Rachel Paige
October 08, 2015 9:23 am

Did you catch the premiere of American Horror Story: Hotel last night? If you didn’t turn back right now, because it’s time to discuss the first episode. So go find a TV with On Demand, or a computer with Hulu, boot up “Checking In” and come back when you’re done. We’ll wait and make ourselves cozy in the super plush art deco lobby of our dreams/nightmares.

As for everyone else, what did you think? Was it everything you thought Hotel would be, and more? The first episode certainly set the stage for what’s to come, and we haven’t even met every character from this season yet. “Checking In” also raised a thousand questions, about maybe vampires, maybe ghosts, and what the heck is going on in mysterious Room 64.

This is your last warning to turn back now, because there are spoilers ahead!

1. What’s up with Sally?

This season, Sarah Paulson plays an addict named Sally, who really likes crimped hair (new Halloween costume, anyone?). We see her wandering around Hotel Cortez through the whole episode, but then in a flashback we learned she DIED IN 1994. The hotel’s front desk clerk (and the mother to Matt Bomer’s Donovan) pushed her out a window. But she is most certainly up and walking around when we see her so . . . is she is a ghost?

Good news: looks like the same Ghost Rules from Season 1, Murder House, apply to Hotel Cortez, too. If you die on the property, you get to stick around forever. Which means that everyone in the hotel COULD ALREADY BE A GHOST.

2. Uh . . . Schmidt.

Max Greenfield’s character, Gabriel, checked into Hotel Cortez right away in the episode, and we were all like YES! And then he quickly met a very interesting fate, via someone called the “Addiction Demon.” You’re going to have to Google this scene on your own, but according to creator Ryan Murphy, it was the most twisted scene they’ve ever shot (agreed). Which we can take to mean this is the craziest scene we’ll get all season! Probably not. Also, doesn’t look like Gabriel is dead juuuuust yet.

3. Going to the mattresses

Raise your hand if you have ever been personally victimized by a hotel mattress before. Our two tourists can now say they’ve been traumatized by a hotel mattress. Why was that guy in there, how LONG had he been in there, and WHO put him in there??

4. Everything’s coming up Gaga

HOW do you even describe Lady Gaga’s The Countess? She’s fierce, she doesn’t take “no” for an answer, she wears amazing outfits, and that includes what appears to be a metal glove with a fingernail blade on the end of it.

She’s also killing people, LOTS OF PEOPLE, to suck/drink their blood. She’s not a vampire, but she’s got lots of vampire qualities. Murphy has described it as a “virus” and she needs blood to survive. So there’s that.

Donovan could be the same way, but he is currently an unconfirmed ghost. The idea of a ghost vampire is too much to handle right now.

5. That game room, tho

Hotel Cortez might be filled with demons and ghosts, literally, but it’s also got a killer game room. Floor to ceiling screens to play Tetris? Comfy leather couches?? UNLIMITED CANDY?? Sign us up. Except, it appears as if The Countess of the hotel is collecting small, blonde children for . . . some reason. One of them happens to be the son of Detective John Lowe (Wes Bentley). John checks in to the hotel at the end of the episode, and this won’t end well.

6. The big mystery of the season

From the first episode, it looks like someone is killing lovers for unknown reasons — or at least it looks this way from the first episode, because they are really the Ten Commandments Killer, and remember how the opening title sequence of the show flashes the neon Commandments? They’re going to kill according to those. Is this like, way too much to process right now? It is.

Anyway. Whoever they are, they’ve got something against Detective John. They also are probably living in Hotel Cortez, and claim to be staying in Room 64, except that no one is staying in Room 64, and according to Iris it is never used. It’s also has a weird alarm clock that goes off at 2:25. That’s all we know about it right now.

7. Where is Evan Peters?

I don’t know, but I hope he shows up soon.

8. Hallie Harmon has died

Hallie was Ben, Vivien, and Violet Harmon’s dog from Murder House. After they died, their Realtor, Marcy, adopted the dog. Marcy comments that she just had to put her dog down, and that the dog had come to her under odd circumstances. BRB, crying a little.

This is still only HALF the stuff that happened during the episode. So many questions, so few answers. What did you think? Will you continuing your stay at Hotel Cortez?

Related reading: 

We might get TWO whole seasons of ‘American Horror Story’ next year

Here’s your ‘American Horror Story’ refresher guide, because it’s time

[Image via FX]

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