Rachel Paige
June 21, 2017 11:23 am
Paramount Pictures

In what might be one of the most ill-advised decisions I’ve made recently, I saw Transformers: The Last Knight. And let me tell you, it was GREAT.

Maybe great is the wrong word. Insane? A little too much? So convoluted I simply stopped trying to make sense of the plot and instead chose to accept everything happening in front of me? All of the above, really. In a summer where we have great movies (like Wonder Woman), and bad movies (like The Mummy), Transformers was so good at being bad I couldn’t help but laugh and cheer along with the film. It was a fucking beautiful mess, and clocking in at 2 hours and 30 minutes, it is a REALLY BIG MESS in every aspect of the word BIG. Also, MESS.

If you’d like to know the plot of Transformers: The Last Knight, me too! I have literally no idea what happened during the movie, but it’s something about an all-magical Transformers staff from a drunk wizard, and also a medallion that attaches itself to Mark Wahlberg’s leading man Cade for…reasons I do not know. There’s also a kid, and the kid’s pet robot, and Anthony Hopkins sits down a lot because the man is 79 years old and for more reasons unknown signed on for the fifth Transformers.

Want to know what other absolutely bonkers things happen in the movie? Spoilers, I guess, but also you probably won’t believe all these things actually happen. I swear they do.

1. Tony Hale plays the Jeff Goldblum character from Independence Day — like, I think that was the actual note Michael Bay gave him, “Hey, can you just play Jeff Goldblum in Independence Day?” And since Tony Hale is a gem, he said, “Sure!”

2. Anthony Hopkins commandeers a submarine.

3. The magical and medieval Transformers medallion slithers around Mark Wahlberg’s body, for no reason other than to showcase his abs, and then just goes down his pants, in some weird sexualized scene (that happens while on the submarine).

4. Some knock-off Stranger Things kids in an alternate-Transformers universe try to check out the robots, and then they accidentally start a small war between a bunch of robots and the Department of Homeland Security (???), because kids do stuff like that.

5. The voice of Steve Buscemi appears for about four minutes, everyone shoos his Autobot away, and he is never heard from again.

6. Josh Duhamel spends about 45 minutes, or roughly the third act of the movie, in a wet suit for no apparent reason.

7. One major plot point — and the big, secret “clue reveal” — involves a pop-up book.

8. The final battle takes place at Stonehenge. Which is, as far as I could gather, the epicenter for the Transformers. I think.

9. The female character, Vivianne (and also, just note, I didn’t learn her name until like, 20 minutes before the movie ended), keeps finding new clothes to wear even though she is nowhere near a closet. Also, every single outfit she puts on slowly becomes a plunging neckline of sorts.

10. The face of Shia LaBeouf shows up for .3 seconds for what is maybe the best cameo of the summer.

11. Anthony Hopkins character says things like “dude” and “bichin’ ride.” His cane is also a gun.

12. Anthony Hopkins breaks into 10 Downing Street through a “secret back door.”

13. Wow haven’t even touched on Stanley Tucci, who plays Merlin, a wizard from medieval times. Correction: He plays Merlin, a *drunk* wizard.

14. Also, the Transformers have been fighting Earth’s battles since like, the beginning of time. Bumblebee fought in WWII, because obviously he did.

15. There seems to be something Transformers-y trapped in the Earth’s core and it slowly starts rising out of the ground, but this is never fully explained. Not even in the post-credit scene that shows scientists working on it for…reasons.

16. Downton Abbey’s Jim Carter (who played the gruff Carson) voices a robot butler who has a flair for dramatics.

17. This robot butler spends about 10 minutes walking a dog around the grounds of a castle.

I swear all of these things happen in the movie, and unless you’re actually going to shell out $14+ and three hours of your time, you have to believe me.

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