jessica tholmer
December 23, 2017 4:42 pm
Hallmark Channel

Listen. Christmas movies are the best and we love watching them. But here’s the thing: Hallmark Christmas movies take the cake. Everything we know, we learned from Hallmark Christmas movies. They’re basically getting us through the holiday season. There are so many classic Hallmark Christmas movies to look back on and cherish. And there are so, so many thoughts we all have every time we watch. So let’s discuss them.

1. The character names, backstories, and town names are SO good.

Marilee is an aspiring baker who specializes in making gingerbread. She’s spending the holidays at the Evergreen Inn and Ski Lodge. Just kidding, that’s not the premise of a Hallmark Christmas movie — it’s the premise of three Hallmark Christmas movies put together. (Yes, really.) Shameless Christmas references are the best.

2. Why do I feel so happy right now? This is so much better than real life, so I’m going to keep watching.

As these movies progress and time goes on, things get EVEN HAPPIER, if you can believe it.

3. Isn’t that the actor from…?

There are always tons of familiar faces in Hallmark Christmas movies. Gretchen Weiners is a favorite. So is Aunt Becky. Oh, and DJ and Stephanie too! Speaking of our favorite TV actresses, is that Winnie Cooper and Jessie Spano and Victoria from How I Met Your Mother? (Yes, yes, and yes.) Rooting for all of these ladies, obviously.

4. REMEMBER THAT SEEMINGLY INSIGNIFICANT DETAIL. IT WILL COME BACK LATER.

And even though you’ll see it coming from a mile away, you’ll feel like a genius when you shout “THE SNOWFLAKE EARRINGS!” or “HE’S *IN* THE SANTA SUIT!” at your TV before it actually happens.

5. How much do interior decorators really make?

The jobs in Hallmark Christmas movies are delightful. The characters all truly work the jobs we all dreamed of having as children, but also with the salaries we imagined existed and the homes we all wish we could afford. Also, they put such little effort into their jobs, yet still seemingly have the best lives. We’re jealous. Happy, but jealous.

6. Dating in Hallmark Christmas movies is a goddamn dream.

Where do all of these handsome single dads come from? They are all incredibly good looking. And despite the fact that this is their first Christmas since their wives tragically passed away, they are also fairly baggage-free. Plus, their kids are incredibly nice. Into it.

7. These people have so much free time.

How are they home all of the time during the day? They’re always available to drop everything and help their love interest’s kid bake a dozen snowman cupcakes at the last minute for a school bake sale.

8. I can’t believe they’re using the falling-down-laughing-but-they-don’t-kiss-again move.

“Are they EVER going to kiss?!” you scream at your TV. And yes, you know they will kiss eventually, in the last 30 seconds of the movie. The major kiss at the end is always so worth the wait, but good grief, they really make you wait for it.

9. What if everything isn’t ok in the end?

Just kidding. You know it will be, but something catastrophic always happens in the last 20 minutes that makes you question everything.

10. Did he just say “I love you” to her?

They’ve only known each other for three days, but that’s the power of Christmas.

11. AND NOW THEY’RE ENGAGED?!

They just had their first kiss, and now there’s a rock the size of a Christmas ball ornament on her finger. That’s really not at all how things work ever, but we are crying. Why are we crying?! This is ridiculous, but we’re crying and happy and sort of jealous too.

12. Wow, dreams really DO come true.

Everything is ok now. Whoa, the world is fine and everything is fine and Hallmark Christmas movies make everything great.

Thank you, Hallmark Christmas movies, for filling us with holiday cheer year after year. Merry Christmas!

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