Guys, it’s almost Christmas. And there’s an incredibly serious question we must address. Something that has gone amiss for half a century that we NEED TO TALK ABOUT.
In 1964, the Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer special aired for the first time. As we all know, one of the main subplots of this iconic Christmas special is Hermey’s desire to become a dentist. And we all have been rooting for Hermey all these years, because hey, we all should go after our dreams — Christmas elves included! Why make toys when what you really want to do is fix teeth, right?
Except there’s one problem. It appeared towards the end of the film that Hermey was getting his wish: He was going to become a dentist, once and for all. But even if he opened up his very own dentist practice — Hermey’s Dentistry, I can only imagine it would be called — he wouldn’t have any patients. Why? Because no one has any teeth in the entire film. Seriously, no one.
Don’t believe me? Check this out.
Unsurprisingly, Sam the Snowman doesn’t have any teeth.
Which is fine. His teeth would just melt anyway under those bright dentist lights. How about the reindeer? Well, Rudolph’s nose illuminates a cold, hard truth: The reindeer have no teeth, either.
I know what you’re thinking — it’s just because Rudolph’s a baby in this shot! But no. If you look at the adult reindeer, they don’t have any pearly whites, either.
Do you see any teeth there? NO.
OK, OK, so that rules out the reindeer population, but no big deal! Surely the elves must have teeth for Hermey to work on! Well, if you look at all the times Hermey’s boss shouts at him, you just see a black hole, sans teeth.
OK, so the mean boss elf doesn’t have teeth. What about the rest of the elves?
Well, at first I thought they did, but it was just a shine on their rosy lips. No teeth to be seen, which is evident as they sing their song that Santa ends up totally hating.
OK. . . what about Hermey?! Surely he has teeth, because how else would he get the inspiration to be a dentist?
OK, NEVERMIND. So how about Mrs. Claus?
OK, let’s just get away from that area altogether. Maybe Hermey will be a traveling dentist, after all. And maybe he’ll go to the Island of Misfit Toys, because there’s a lion there. And clearly, lions have teeth. Right?!
WRONG. But there’s one character we know has teeth, right?! The most formidable character, the character that leaves poor Sam the Snowman shivering under his umbrella: The abominable snowman!
And those are some big teeth, too. And lots of ’em. That’ll give Hermey some business!
Oh, wait. . .
That’s right: Hermey singlehandedly destroyed his only possible hope of a customer. And he was SOOO proud of it, too, like it showed his dentistry talent or something. Sorry, Hermey, but it looks like you’re only gonna be able to operate on dolls, after all.
Or maybe live in delusion for the rest of your life, pretending like that guy has teeth. Hey, whatever floats your boat, Hermey. Dream big.
(Image via NBC.)