Ahoy, hopefully you saw Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales this weekend, because there be spoilers ahead, arg.

Okay, no more pirate talk. Only real talk from here on out, because we need to have a serious discussion about the credit sequence at the end of Pirates…and Will Turner.

However, before we talk about the credit sequence, we have to go back to the prior movies. Settle in, because this is going to be a journey.

At the end of the third Pirates, At World’s End, Will — as you probably remember — dies. In order to save him, his heart is put on the Dead Men’s Chest, and Will becomes the new Davy Jones. Remember the Old Davy Jones? That dude with all the tentacles and the claw for a hand? Yeah, him.

Credit: Disney

He’s been the captain of the cursed pirate ship, The Flying Dutchman, for a very long time, but now he’s gone. Now, it’s Will’s job to sail around underwater. Supposedly — and I say supposedly, because let’s be real, the plot/cannon storyline of Pirates is like…a choose your own adventure plot — the rule is that Will has to sail around underwater, and gets ONE day on land for every ten years. We actually see this ONE day at the end of At World’s End, where we see ‘lil Henry for the first time.

Anyway. Confused? Great. There’s more.

At the beginning of Dead Men Tell No Tales, we see young Henry Turner try and find his father underwater. He’s got a chart that says “Year 7, Year 8,” so I assume this meant that Henry was 8-9ish. However, according to Wikipedia, Henry is actually 12-YEARS OLD.

Okay, well, anyway, he sails out into the ocean, because he knows the exact location of his dad’s ship on this specific day of the year (??), and he jumps into the water and falls to the bottom…and then Will’s ship rises to the surface, and Will is like “kid you can’t be here.” The two talk quickly, hug, and Henry is gone again. Okay, bye Henry. It’s implied that Henry does not go looking for his father again, but he does spend a lot of his free time reading about the sea and curses, and learns that Poseidon’s trident is the key to setting his dad free.

Flash-forward nine years, all the events of Dead Men Tell No Tales happens, and Poseidon’s trident is DESTROYED. This means that all the curses in the sea are reversed!! We know this, because Captain Salazar’s men are suddenly human again (and then they immediately die because they can’t breathe underwater). The movie ends with a very ALIVE Will Turner returning back to his son, and Elizabeth Swan, aka, the Luke Skywalker of this movie in the sense that she shows up at the very end, has no lines, and just kind of awkwardly stares at the camera for a few minutes.

And now WHY did I just type 500 words about stuff that isn’t the end credit scene of Pirates? Because you need to know how we got here. The end credit scene of Dead Men Tell No Tales is as follows:

It’s night. Will and Elizabeth are snug as two bugs in bed. Will’s a little bit restless, and they’re a rustling in the doorway, and some shadows, and then a lightning strike. BOOM. Shadow of a claw — Davy Jones’ claw. Will wakes up, and surprise, it was all a dream and there’s no one in his bedroom. He’s just having Davey Jones nightmares. He grabs Elizabeth, and the two roll over.

Orrrrr, was it all a dream, because the camera cuts to what’s underneath the bed, and there are some water drops and loose barnacles. Some sea monster was definitely in the Turner bedroom.

Simple enough, eh? This scene is obviously setting up for Pirates #6, and listen, that’s fine. But unfortunately, this scene does not make sense for not just one reason, but FIVE AND A HALF REASONS:

1. Davey Jones is dead. That is a cold, hard Pirates fact.

2. Did we not just watch an entire movie about the fact that Poseidon’s trident was holding ALL the curses of the sea, and when it was broken, ALL the curses were all reversed? Davey Jones was cursed. If Davey Jones were alive, he’d be un-cursed. There’s no way cursed-Davy Jones could be alive, and standing in Will’s bedroom.

2a. Not up for debate, Davey Jones was cursed. Go back and watch Dead Man’s Chest and At World’s End. CURSED. This is what he looked like pre-curse. This is not what we see in Will’s bedroom:

Credit: Disney

3. Okay, fine, so maybe he is some sort of “sea creature,” but pretty sure we were told time and time again he couldn’t walk on land — because he was cursed — so how is he in the Turner House???????????

4. Lol, barnacles do not just “fall off.” Have you ever even SEEN a barnacle? They are literally stuck on your boat forever, you only ever seen boats covered in barnacles. So yes, it’s completely implausible for these barnacles to have just FALLEN OFF Davey Jones. Also, Davey Jones didn’t have barnacles, he had tentacles, so…

5. What vendetta — besides being DEAD — does Davey Jones even have against Will?

Ugh, my head hurts. Even more so than trying to keep the Pirates timeline straight. As much as I don’t think I can handle the weight of whatever plot comes next, give me Pirates #6 so I can start to make some sense of this curse.