Rachel Paige
July 14, 2014 3:16 pm

Dear Chris Harrison,

You’re the guy I direct all Bachelor/Bachelorette related questions to, right? I mean, I assume you’re in charge of the whole show, since you’re the only “behind the scenes” person we see every week. However, if I have sent this message to you by accident, please forward it off to the correct executive producers (or their assistants), and I apologize for wasting your time.

HOWEVER, if you’re exactly the guy I’m supposed to contact, then I would like to formally offer myself up to be a contestant on The Bachelorette. But listen, I don’t want to be part of the gaggle of girls on The Bachelor, no sir, I want to be THE Bachelorette. I feel I have a strong mix of characteristics that perfectly qualify me for a spot on your reality television show. Also, my parents are really keen to marry me off, and I think they’d be willing to pay a finder’s fee if you can secure me a husband.

Before we get ahead of ourselves and just start blindly singing contracts, I assume you’ll want to know a little bit about me. My name is Rachel, I am 5’4″ and 125 pounds, and I have brown hair and brown eyes and I wear a size 7 shoe, size 6 pants. I assume this information is all important. I wear a size medium shirt, but I like things to be bigger, so usually I buy a large and I shrink them down. Don’t get excited, though, I basically don’t have any boobs. Like, sometimes I wonder if they’re even there myself. So if you’re thinking, “this is awesome, this girl buys large shirts because she has big boobs! Perfect Bachelorette material!” you are wrong. I am actually built like a teenage boy just before hitting puberty. I might wear a size large female shirt, but those shirts run ridiculously small, amirite? For comparison, when I go shopping in the little boy’s section at Target, I am a large little boy. I hope this paints a clear picture of my physical appearance, because I assume wardrobe will want to start right away on my tailored costume.

But, before we get too far, I don’t want any of those glittery ballgown dresses. I can’t wear those things (remember, no boobs). I am also not a big dress fan. Or skirts, really. Actually, Mindy Kaling is my style icon, so whatever Mindy wears, I’ll probably wear. Flowy dresses with polka dots and what not. But I mean, I don’t want to wear that all the time. You can’t honestly expect me to wear the same boring costume for every episode every week, correct? If I’m going to meet the man of my dreams on your show I’d like to at least be comfortable. So, I’d prefer to wear lots of jeans and Converse sneakers and graphic T-shirts. And don’t worry, I can supply my own graphic T-shirts. Every week will probably be a new theme, if that’s cool, and I’ll make my way through my Star Wars shirts into Star Trek, and then Lost, and then assorted other pop culture shirts I’ve bought from the Internet.

Now that we know what I’m going to wear each week, lets talk about what I’m going to do on these so called “dates” with my future suitors. To begin with, I’m terrified of heights. So unfortunately, anything in a tall building or in a helicopter is right out. I will pass out, and then it’ll be a real test of true love watching the guys figure out which one is going to take me to the closest hospital.

And, if I’m going to be honest, the first “date” (but I’ll probably end of calling them “trials”) for these gentlemen will be figuring out is which room in the Bachelorette Mansion has the best Wi-Fi. The winning gentleman will automatically get a rose that week.

Also, for these dates, I also don’t want to do anything involving bathing suits. It’s not that I’m self-conscious, I just really don’t like wearing bathing suits unless I’m at a water park. So maybe we could go to a water park? That would be fun.

But you know, something that would be the MOST fun would be going to Comic-Con. I would like a group date at Comic-Con — if that’s at all possible, but like, duh, it’s possible, it’s The Bachelorette — and it’ll be a requirement for the guys to dress in their favorite fandom costumes, so I can subsequently judge them on how well they dressed for the event.

This brings me to the guys. Clearly, I’m going to need a group of potential life partners who want to go to Comic-Con. So, if there are any guys who are like, super into sports (SPORTS!), they probably won’t make it very far in my cycle. Not that I have anything against sports. I’m just more interested in a guy who can tell Ant-Man’s back story rather than what it really means to fumble in football. I don’t care about cars, or finance, or cool-looking expensive watches. I can see my cycle full of lots of guys like Zachary Levi and Wil Wheaton and Seth Cohen and other fanboys, both real and fictional. I feel like they are not getting some prime Bachelorette time they deserve. I’m pretty sure think there’s a saying that goes, “the nerds will inherit the earth” and I also think they should inherit The Bachelorette. Which brings me back to my original point, which is that you’ll need a Bachelorette well-versed in X-Men origin stories for this cycle, and I volunteer as tribute.

Just think of all the awesome new Bachelorette possibilities! Think of the possibilities of having a Bachelorette that openly eats nachos at every meal, really loves Pretty Little Liars, and has a growing collection of Avengers memorabilia. The ratings will go through the ROOF!

Because, yeah like, that’s cool, Andi, you were an assistant district attorney, but I binged all of Breaking Bad in a week. Line up, gentleman; form an orderly line. There’s enough space around my 15″ MacBook Pro for all of us to watch Doctor Who on Netflix together.

So let me know what you think, Chris Harrison. You can call me anytime; I am literally always available.

(Featured image via)

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