Paramount Pictures
Debbie Holloway
March 16, 2016 8:17 am

It’s official: Tina Fey has confirmed that a Mean Girls musical is in the works. After we finished losing our collective minds, we realized that, at this point, we probably have more questions than answers. Who will show up in the initial cast? Will the amazing jungle-esque cutscenes from Cady’s mind be incorporated into the choreography? Will opening night be October 3rd?

For now, I think it’s high time we all speculate wildly on the song-and-dance numbers that will surely make an appearance for this, the pinkest show to hit Broadway since Legally Blonde: The Musical.

“First Day of School”

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Can’t you just picture it? Mr. and Mrs. Heron lovingly packing her lunch and giving her the pep talk. We meet Cady for the first time, get the low-down on how she was homeschooled, and we are introduced to all the different tribes at lunch. Move over, “Circle of Life.” This is Broadway’s new opening number to beat.

“Meet Regina George”

Tumblr/ Paramount Pictures

This one would be the first big song for Janis and Damian, and it’s basically already written for us, let’s be honest. Let’s pause to remember these lines from the film script:

Regina George… How do I begin to explain Regina George?
Regina George is flawless.
I hear her hair’s insured for $10,000.
I hear she does car commercials… in Japan.
Her favorite movie is Varsity Blues.
One time she met John Stamos on a plane…
And he told her she was pretty.
One time she punched me in the face… it was awesome.

I can already hear that in song. With adorable side-mentions for introducing Karen and Gretchen, naturally.

“On Wednesdays We Wear Pink”

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This will be a fantastic number where Cady tries to absorb the hilarious and rigorous rules of The Plastics. No tank tops two days in row, ponytail limitations, and seriously no track pants unless it’s Friday. This is really the time to get to know Karen and Gretchen especially, as they explain the faux pas and perks of their elite sisterhood.

“Burn Book”

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Definitely where things start to take a dark turn. This pivotal scene helps Cady recognize some of the darker insecurities and nastiness of being a Plastic, and begins to test her true loyalties. On the one hand, it’s kind of fun to label and sneer. On the other hand, stealing the book for Janis would be the ultimate way to undercut Regina…

Jingle Bell Rock

Tumblr/ Paramount Pictures

So there’s this thing where, when Broadway adapts a movie for the stage, they take a song and ramp it up to reach its most spectacular, stage-worthy potential. While I’m 100% insisting that this original choreography is kept in its entirety, I’m envisioning a really incredible encore version happening after their standing ovation. I’m talking snow from the rafters, a hundred more backup dancers, audience participation, and probably a human pyramid of some kind. This is one scene already so iconic, that the Broadway folks will be compelled to take it to a whole new level.

“The Limit Does Not Exist”

Tumblr/ Paramount Pictures

This is the tear-jerking, introspective Cady solo that happens right before the closing ensemble number. I’m actually getting a little emotional just thinking about it:

“Calling somebody else fat
won’t make you any skinnier.
Calling someone stupid
doesn’t make you any smarter.
And ruining Regina George’s life
definitely didn’t make me any happier.
All you can do in life is try to solve
the problem in front of you.”

Can’t you just picture all the Mathletes and Ms. Norbury frozen in space while we are privy to Cady’s anguished inner monologue about what her young life has become? Then, for the soaring last verse, she finally realizes what she has to do, and we unfreeze just in time to hear her exclaim the winning solution.

What musical numbers do you demand to see in Mean Girls, Broadway edition?

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