Kit Steinkellner
February 23, 2016 2:56 pm
HBO

Girls fans, we are back! This Sunday, we got our first episode of Season Five, “Wedding Day,” in which Marnie tries to have a Pinterest-perfect day, but she’s got Hannah, Jessa, and Shosh as bridesmaids, she’s marrying DESI of all people, and Ray, Adam, Elijah, and Hannah’s new man, Fran, are hanging out in the hunting lodge man cave, this was never going to end well.

(Spoilers to follow, like twenty spoilers, turn back now if you don’t want this episode spoiled for you.)

Indeed, Marnie runs into about as many problems as a girl can on her wedding day. Much as the lady tries to be “easy-going” she quickly becomes a bridezilla, Desi is a total groomzilla, Marnie’s mom is a momzilla, Hannah is a bridesmaidzilla, basically everyone’s a zilla, including the makeup artist who makes all the girls look like they are sixth-graders trying on their mom’s makeup for the first time, calls them ungrateful twats, and then storms out in a huff. And it rains, because of course it does.

Yes, it appears as though these problems are destined/doomed to happen, but as someone who has planned a wedding, I kept seeing how so many of these disasters could have been prevented. Below, my fixes for Marnie’s wedding day blues.

The problem: Everyone’s makeup looks terrifying.

The makeup artist whose claim to fame was doing Sophia Bush’s wedding did Marnie up like so:

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And Shosh up like so:

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The solution: Do a makeup and hair trial

Yes, of course, it’s more hilarious/horrifying for Marnie to be surprised by her crazy-times makeup. But real talk, any makeup artist and hair stylist worth her salt (PARTICULARLY one who has done Sophia Bush’s wedding) would schedule a trial with you a month or two out, where you would figure out that when you say “Laurel Canyon classic…Ralph Lauren and Joni Mitchell” and your makeup artist says “Okay, so Selena Gomez meets Jesus, I can do that,” you guys aren’t actually talking about the same thing.

The makeup trial will most likely just be for the bride, and bridesmaids will be a day-of thing, but if bridesmaids are getting their hair and makeup done, it’ll probably be a more low-key version of the bride’s look, which you can figure out during your bride-y time makeup/hair trials.

The problem: It rains even though it’s summer

You plan your wedding during the month where it is LEAST likely to rain and then it starts pouring, and one of your bridesmaids notices it first because she’s parked right outside the house having sex with her boyfriend where anyone could see.

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But let’s deal with that problem later, because right now it’s raining.

The solution: Obsessively prepare for all the elements

Okay, here’s the deal. If you have a wedding outside, rain COULD happen. So if that terrifies you, have an indoor wedding, there are lots of cool indoor spaces, it doesn’t have to be a church or hotel wedding if that’s not your scene.

And if you MUST have an outdoor wedding and a few days out there’s a 10% chance of rain, rent a tent. Just do it, I promise you’re spending a bazillion more bucks on flowers.

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That said, some smart thinker DID have adorable yellow slickers on hand for the ladies, and if you have cute rain gear on top of your bride/bridesmaids dresses, I have a hard time imagining those don’t end up being your favorite wedding photos.

The problem: One of your bridesmaids goes off the rails

Hannah is at her Hannah-iest in this ep. Even leaving out the whole sex-in-the-car-right-in-front-of-the-house-on-your-best-friend’s-wedding-day-where-your-ex-is-also-a-groomsmen thing, even leaving THAT out, Hannah also brings Fran into the bridal suite the morning of the wedding when the ladies are in their underthings, ties her bridesmaid dress into the worst possible version of itself…

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…and has a minimum of three making-it-all-about her meltdowns.

The solution: Have one of your more stable bridesmaids babysit her

I don’t know WHAT Marnie was doing having Shosh steam out the bridesmaid dresses…

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…she should have had Miss Shapiro sticking to The Great and Terrible Horvath like SUPERGLUE. When you have someone acting like a child on your wedding day, that person needs a full-time babysitter. And if they want to vent or throw a tantrum, whatever, that’s not your problem, that’s what your level-headed bridesmaid is for, to manage the crazy while you worry about your makeup/the rain.

The problem: You keep running into problems

Look, it’s a wedding. Even if you have friends who aren’t total disasters, *quickly avoids the gaze of basically every single character on this show*, things can still go wrong. I once heard a wedding described as “a huge Broadway show that goes up the day after a ten-minute blocking rehearsal,” and that is the truth, sister.

The solution: Hire a guardian angel, aka a wedding coordinator

I totally get not having a wedding planner, I didn’t have one, and I loved picking out everything myself, BUT I DON’T UNDERSTAND NOT HAVING A WEDDING COORDINATOR. Get a week-of person to stage manage your wedding and put out fires, it’s their JOB. If you’re looking to cut corners, cut them somewhere else. Buy Trader Joes flowers, get your wedding dress at a thrift store, only serve Two Buck Chuck at the open bar, like, do whatever you have to do set aside the monies for a wedding coordinator, because if you’re inviting more than fifteen people to your wedding, you need one.

Real talk, Marnie’s wedding only stopped being an abject disaster once Jessa stepped in and fixed everything.

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HBO
HBO

But don’t make one of your friends last-minute coordinator, just pay a professional and have some peace of mind on this momentous of days, you deserve it.

HBO
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