Let us live-blog, shall we? (West coast times below, <3 )
5:12- Kate Winslet! Jobs! She doesn’t talk about the shampoo bottle this time.
5:14- Maura Tierney wins for The Affair! She wears her specs onstage, respect.
5:22- Rachel Bloom wins for Crazy Ex-Girlfriend! She screams for the first eight seconds and this is totally appropriate. The CW has crowned two queens in the last two years (Gina Rodriguez was coronated the year before), this is big and exciting for them, we hope they crown all the royalty in the years to come. This speech could not be more charming, life is wonderful
5:25- Mozart in the Jungle surprise comedy win! And now we all must binge.
5:38- Wolf Hall for limited series! Lordy, our to-binge list is going to be ten miles long by the end of the night.
5:40- The Internet’s boyfriend Oscar Isaac wins Best Actor in a Limited Series for Show Me a Hero! The Internet is most pleased.
5:48- Best Actor in a Supporting-Something-On-TV goes to… Christian Slater for Mr. Robot! Also in frames, and slick ones at that. Specs are our new favorite red carpet trend.
5:56: HAMM HAMM HAMM HAMM HAMM HAMM. We had to honor The Draper properly because (holds back sobs) we will never get any more Mad Men-s ever again.
Speaking of holding back sobs, Hamm does a good job of keeping his own tears on lock, but we definitely heard that “I thought I wasn’t going to do this” plus that shaky breath. The tears may not have spilled but they were there, glistening in his eyes.
6:03- AMY SCHUMER AND JENNIFER LAWRENCE PRESENTING TOGETHER. Not wearing the same dress, but STILL, but STILL.
Golden Globes, do everything in your power to get these ladies to co-host in 2017!
6:07- Matt Damon wins Best Actor for comedy/musical! Way to science that sh*t, sir, welcome back to Earth and enjoy your prize.
6:09- Damon mentions that he was on this stage EIGHTEEN YEARS AGO and we all feel old forever.
6:15: Inside Out, because of course.
6:19: Patricia Arquette is wearing a bow the size of a tricycle, does this mean we’re all allowed to wear insane bows now, shhhhh, just say yes.
6:20-SLY! Look, we’re still bummed that our Other Internet Boyfriend Michael B. Jordan wasn’t nominated for Creed but still, applause where it’s due, SLY! Also, the sweetest thank you to his “imaginary friend Rocky Balboa, for being the best friend I ever had.”
6:28- “You’re never going to make it up here if you don’t behave.” Line of the night? Quite possibly.
6:30- SORKIN FOR JOBS! It’s too bad they didn’t let him walk-and-talk while accepting this award, but, you know, podiums, cameras, rules.
Also, Sorkin is very in with the cool kids, wearing glasses AND thanking his child, the two huge trends of the night.
6:31- Aziz reads a book entitled “Losing Your Dignity to Jeffrey Tambor,” and a thousand GIFs were born.
But no, in fact, Aziz loses his dignity to Gael García Bernal, who wins for Mozart in the Jungle and that’s two for two for Mozart! And we all sign up for Amazon Prime if we don’t have it already and commence our binge post-haste.
6:39: Hungary wins Best Foreign Film (for the first time ever, Helen Mirren thinks?) for Son of Saul. And now we need to see this (and all the foreign language nominees) and have a very serious and important conversation afterwards in a tiny coffee shop and also it’s raining outside and we’re all wearing berets and okay this joke is over.
6:43- Lady Gaga wins for American Horror Story! Get that EGOT, girl!
6:52- Sam Smith wins Best Song for “Writing on the Wall” for Spectre. Get that EGOT, dude!
6:57- Mr. Robot, Best Drama, cleaning up! USA is really excited to be a cool kid now. We’re excited for you too, guys.
7:13- Denzel receives Cecil B. DeMille award. He forgot his Accessory of the Night, The Specs. He is lovely regardless.
7:22- Best Director goes to Alejandro González Iñárritu for The Revenant! He thanks the financier first, always a good move.
7:25- Taraji P. Henson wins for playing Cookie Lyon AND SHE HANDS OUT COOKIES, BOW DOWN.
7:34- Jennifer Lawrence wins for Joy, tells David O. Russell she wants to be buried next to him. Line of the night? Line of the night!
7:45- The Martian wins for Best Comedy. But IS it a comedy? #awardshowsmysteries
7:53: BRIE LARSON FOR ROOM!!! Everything is great forever.
7:55- LEO FOR REVENANT! One step closer to the Oscar my love, one step closer
8:03: The Revenant for Best Drama! All that being freezing and dealing with the elements and that whole thing with the bear was worth it!
Good awards, everyone! Now onto the Oscars!
(Image via NBC)