Jess Goodwin
September 02, 2015 8:48 am

When I was little, I spent a lot of time collecting Archie and the Gang comics. I loved reading about the residents of Riverdale’s various shenanigans, and wondering whether Archie was ever going to choose Betty or Veronica.

It was during this time that a part of me fell totally in love with Jughead Jones. You could even could say I was jonesing for Jughead Jones (sorry). We liked all the same things: cheeseburgers, sleeping, our dogs, cheeseburgers. It seemed like a no-brainer that Jughead was the man for me. Who was I to be swayed by the fact that he was merely a two-dimensional drawing?

I was so excited the first time I noticed a Jughead Double Digest sitting among all the other comics, glowing as though lit by angels themselves. Looking back I’m sure this was just the fluorescent lights reflecting off the foil of a nudie rag or something, but, probably to the relief of my mother, my pre-tween self only had eyes for Jughead.

The recent overhaul of Archie and the gang’s overall appearance — particularly Saga and T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents artist Fiona Staples’ version — has brought about a resurgence in my love of the cheeseburger aficionado. He basically looks like someone turned Adam Brody (one of my many post-tween crushes) into a cartoon character. I wouldn’t have been surprised to look in the mirror and see a literal eyes emoji after checking out Staples’ new Archie #3 variant cover.

He has a unique — but simple — sense of style

Sure, the crown is kind of strange and dated, but frankly I’d rather date a guy in a crown than one in drop-crotch pants. Plus, he’ll always be ready to go in what, five minutes? Just gotta throw on whatever S-emblazoned shirt is up next in the rotation and tilt his crown just so and he’s all set.

He’ll eat all the leftovers

I get full super fast, which isn’t ideal at say, restaurants that give one person like three meals worth of food. Leftovers aren’t really my thing, so what’s a girl to do? Let her bottomless pit boyfriend take care of it. If you only know one thing about Jughead, it’s probably that he can eat (and eat and eat) and will happily take on your (and probably the rest of the restaurant’s) leftovers

He can cook

Yes, Juggie will eat mounds of junk food, but he’s also a bonafide gourmand and would probably rise from a dead sleep to whip up something if it meant he would also get to eat some of it. Who doesn’t want someone with ace cooking skills in their kitchen, cooking up extra-fancy burgers and fries at the drop of a hat?

He’s an actual genius

This might come as a surprise but Jughead is super smart. Like, to the point he doesn’t even need to study (or, you know, keep his eyes open) to get good grades. (He could probably even give Dilton Doiley a run for his money.)

He has a cute dog

Hot Dog is kind of the ultimate coup. He’s so big and fluffy and loyal to a fault — much like Jughead, who’s always there for his best bud Archie, himself.

He’s a challenge

Yes, I know this is very cliché, but when it comes to guys I like a bit of a challenge. No one is more-so than Jughead. Big Ethel has been trying for like 50 years to lock him down, and while he keeps running away, it’s clear he has a soft spot for her. In one issue, he even gets jealous when Moose puts the moves on her.

Sure, he might give off vague he-man, woman-hating vibes sometimes, but he and Betty Cooper are actually lowkey besties. Jughead just doesn’t want to deal with the drama of romance. Can’t fault the guy for that, right?

He’s a drummer

Everyone knows drummers are the best part of a band (besides saxophonists, of course).

[Image courtesy Archie comics]

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