Erin Mallory Long
June 23, 2013 8:00 am

I’m 28 years old, I work in TV, I write for lovely people (like you!) when I’m not working – I have a pretty good deal, job-wise. But sometimes there are just jobs you want so much you need to will them into existence. Those jobs that you dreamed of being able to have when you were a kid (and I’m not talking about movie jobs which are equally amazing and coveted). These are jobs that just seem tailor-fit to you and your interests and desires and, well, talents.

So, like Rob Gordon in High Fidelity before me, I’ve created a list of jobs that I would like to exist, please.

Laura: So you’ve got a list here of 5 things you’d do if qualifications and time and history and salary were no object.

Rob: Yeah.

1. Law and Order: SVU Marathon Scheduler

I’ve talked about my love of SVU a lot, and in particular, my desire to schedule marathons of it (Because sometimes USA seems to phone in there marathons. I’m just being real, guys.)

Here is a list of SVU marathon ideas I had that I still think are pretty good. And there are always more that could be made.

But this isn’t a real job. I mean, I’m sure someone at USA schedules these marathons but how much time could they possibly be devoting to this? Also, how could there possibly just HAPPEN to be someone over at USA who is even remotely as qualified as I am? (Okay, maybe there is, but if there isn’t, USA, I’m right here!)

2. Sally Hansen Ambassador

Sure, this is technically a real “job.” I mean, there was a line of Avril Lavigne Sally Hansen products. And who could forget the Rock of Ages tie-in? But like, I’m just a normal person and I spend so much time giving free advertising/ambassadoring to Sally Hansen – so why can’t this be a real job?

Like, right now, for instance, I have some of the new Sally Hansen Salon Effects on. RIGHT NOW, you guys!

And I swear by the Sally Hansen Complete Salon Manicure nail polish (you can’t beat that brush!) because I’m pretty terrible at painting my own nails but can do an okay job with that polish.

And – not to sound like a jerk – but I get compliments on my Sally Hansen products all the time! So I like spreading the love, I’d just be into doing it full time (and also designing my own Salon Effects, thankyouverymuch).

3. TV Merchandise Designer

So we’ve already covered that I love SVU. I also love tee shirts and any merchandise related to TV shows that I love. But like, I don’t want a tee shirt that has the SVU logo on it. I want specific merchandise.

I want Casey’s “Sex Crimes” baseball tee:

And I want a tee shirt from Hudson University, you know?

I also have a really sweet Albuquerque Isotopes tee shirt now.

But I’d really like their merchandise to match up to The Simpsons Isotopes merchandise.

Or, I’d be into having a “Kidney Now!” tee shirt from 30 Rock.

Actually there’s a ton of stuff I want to make from 30 Rock! Shoot!

4. Roswell, NM Museum Curator

So I don’t technically have any experience in museum curating but I do know what I like. (Wait, is that how that line is supposed to go?)

I visited the Roswell Museum over Christmas 2011 and though entertaining, I felt it was lacking. They had some goofball stuff like aliens and things but the overall design I felt could be a lot better. (The emphasis in that last sentence should be “SOME goofball stuff” as opposed to “some GOOFBALL stuff,” btw.)

I mean, all of Roswell, New Mexico is pretty great because there are aliens everywhere. But I wanted the museum to be a little more thought out and stylized, you know?

Yes, you could take a picture with a background as if you were being pulled into space by a spaceship and yes, I bought an awesome poster there but the museum itself was a little ramshackle and thrown together. I could make this place so kitschy and great! Just gimme a chance! I have no qualifications, just heart

5. Writer of an Aimee Mann Jukebox Musical

First of all, if you’re not following Aimee Mann on twitter, please rectify that right now.

Are you done? Awesome.

I’ve been obsessed with Aimee Mann since high school. I used to listen to Bachelor No. 2 all the time and it continued with Magnolia (one of my favorite movies) and up until right now. I’ve seen her a handful of times in concert and she’s hilarious too, which doesn’t hurt. I even wrote a paper freshman year of college all about her music.

But here’s the deal. I also loved the movie musical Mamma Mia. So why don’t we combine these things and make a jukebox musical of Aimee Mann songs? Obviously, her album “The Forgotten Arm,” being a concept album would be a good choice. But I think Magnolia proved to us that any of her songs can really lend themselves to movies and I just really think we could work something out.

I guess what I’m saying is, Aimee Mann, let’s do this. (She’s probably already got one in the works, in which case, just let me come work on the movie. Or just watch. Whatever.)

So what jobs do you guys want? Do you think I’m crazy? Let me know in the comments or get real personal and tweet at me.

(Main image via ShutterStock, all other images my own or screengrabbed by me)

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