All the things Jeff Goldblum has hilariously sold on TV
It is a well-known fact around the HelloGiggles office that I love Jeff Goldblum very much. It’s hard not to: His acting career has been epic (Jurassic Park, Independence Day, The Life Aquatic, etc); he seems like a delightful human-being; and, in case that just isn’t enough, he’s also a pretty talented jazz pianist. (When he isn’t filming, he puts on free shows at The Rockwell in Los Angeles with his band, The Mildred Snitzer Orchestra.)
My feelings for Jeff Golblum are the “essence of chaos” — and these feelings are deeply rooted in the fact that Jeff Goldblum doesn’t express himself like a normal person expresses himself. Goldblum’s vocal fillers are plentiful, and his inflections are unlike anything I have ever heard. His voice is so distinct, in fact, that during a Reddit AMA last year, one redditor wrote, “I’m hearing his voice in every reply. God bless you Jeff Goldblum and your awesome voice.” And it’s true: He does have an awesome voice. Listening to him speak is an absolute joy.
It makes sense, then, that Goldblum has been recruited for multiple ad campaigns and commercials over the years: His voice could sell anything. And because he is an eccentric human, Goldblum has been the face (and voice) of an incredible range of products.
Here are our favorites.
From the brilliant minds of Tim & Eric comes a commercial about Terry Quattro (“Famous Person”), aka Jeff Goldblum. While discussing the benefits of environmentally-friendly bulbs, Quattro (Goldblum) shows off his dojo skills, paints a glorious self-portrait, and plays piano in a hot tub. It gets very weird.
Goldblum’s iMac commercials have been parodied and remixed into oblivion — and if you haven’t seen “Drunk Jeff Goldblum,” I’m just not sure you’re using the Internet correctly. This commercial takes place when email was just beginning to be a thing; and hearing someone discuss it like an alien concept just adds to its amazingness.
As a bonus, Goldblum’s Apple campaign also birthed the now-infamous “beige” commercial, which is a must-watch.
The perfect complement to Goldblum’s Apple campaign is this commercial for Apartments.com — because the whole thing is basically a spoof on a tech keynote. Goldblum’s Brad Bellflower waxes on about the website like Tim Cook explaining the Apple Watch — and it’s pretty great. (Side note, where do I petition for Jeff Goldblum to give a TED Talk?)
There has never been a better, more Goldblum-y answer to “How do you feel?” than the answer he gives in this commercial. I want to integrate it into my daily life.
Also, here’s a bonus video — because this whole campaign was just next level ridiculous. (His logic is unbeatable.)
Alternative payment methods
Credit cards have never seemed less convenient than they do in these three commercials. We also get some insight into the kinds of things Goldblum buys online (tires, scarves), and how he’d rather be spending his time (eating lunch, taking a tango lesson). Who knew?
. . . Specifically, lottery tickets in Ireland. Goldblum plays Hollywood tour guide to a trio of Teletubby-like creatures who have just won big — and it’s particularly satisfying when he shoots down the star Teletubby at the end.
Charles Barkley + Jeff Goldblum = ’90s greatness. This commercial only features Goldblum’s voice — but really, sometimes that’s all you need.
I know this was a parody sketch on Portlandia — but it remains just as amazing as any of Goldblum’s actual commercial work, and further proves he can sell anything. (Fair warning, this sketch might be NSFW given its obvious double-entendres.)
(Image via video.)