I'm Not Over Any Of My (Fictional) Exes
So I’m thrilled that NBC renewed Community, not just because I love the show, but because I get another season with my pretend boyfriend, Jeff Winger. I may or may not have gone on a Hulu Plus binge last weekend, which left me convinced that no real life guy could ever live up to Jeff, which is probably true, because he’s a fictional character. Alas, he’s not the only character who’s ruined me for real life men. Below, a list of all my pretend exes and why I’ll be carrying a torch for them forever.
Floyd (30 Rock)
I was actually kind of legitimately upset when I heard that Jason Sudeikis was marrying Olivia Wilde in real life, because to me, he will always be Floyd, Liz Lemon’s best boyfriend (until he wasn’t) and also my soulmate. I have not yet forgiven him for breaking Liz’s heart, and also mine.
I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who was disappointed that Daria and Trent never actually got together. As a sarcastic high schooler who wore glasses and didn’t date ever, watching Daria and Trent flirt gave me hope that maybe I could have a friend whose cool, raspy-voiced older brother who was in a band might develop maybe sort of a thing for me. While Trent would never be my type in real life (I’m no groupie; and I may not have even have been to a real concert since high school), his hotness and unexpected wisdom make me swoon for him, even if he is a cartoon character.
Fox Mulder (The X-Files)
I think Bree Sharp has said it best: “So smooth and so smart, you’ve abducted my heart.” David Duchovny, why won’t you love me? Cute, brilliant, a little spooky, I love Mulder so much I was willing to get over the fact that the plotline of the X-Files usually terrifies me.
Matthew (Downton Abbey)
Handsome, honorable, and willing to keep pursuing the bitchy brunette who keeps rebuffing him….clearly Matthew was made for me. He is also the reason I refuse to watch Season 3 of Downton Abbey. I know something horrible happens and I never wish to know what. Matthew and Mary (or me) forever!
Mr. Darcy (Pride and Prejudice or Bridget Jones’ Diary)
This could be a Mr. Darcy thing, or a Colin Firth thing…it doesn’t really matter, they’re both among the most perfect men ever created.
I would totally join the CIA if someone could promise me my handler would look anything like this.
Seth Cohen (The O.C.)
As someone who went to a snooty private high school, I always felt incredibly cheated that there was no adorable nerdy misfit like Seth Cohen at my school. I did not understand how no one wanted to date Seth Cohen until Ryan showed up, because I totally would have dated Seth Cohen. In fact, I went to senior prom with a Jewish nerd thinking it would be like going with Seth (it was not). But now that Seth is dating my alter ego Blair Waldorf, it’s pretty much like we’re dating. Kind of.
Jim Halpert (The Office)
Oh Jim. The man who taught me how to put other people’s stuff in Jello (try it, it’s awesome). The man who made me think office romances are okay (they’re not). The man who sang Katy Perry on national television (you’re welcome).
Josh Lyman (The West Wing)
I realize I’m supposed to pick Sam Seaborn in this scenario, but I can’t handle it. Rob Lowe is just too pretty for me. Bradley Whitford, I could handle. So dorkily inept with women, so dedicated to saving the country. Swoon. Josh has ruined dating in DC for me. RUINED IT. You guys, I actually looked up the current West Wing staff to see if any of them were dateable. They all look to be married. I am still not above sitting outside the White House gates and seeing who looks cute.
Jeff Winger (Community)
Seriously, you guys, I’m never getting over Jeff. It’s not just that he’s more attractive than the guy who’s famous for being good looking. It’s the combination of acting like he’s way too cool for everything, but secretly really actually caring. Since the dawn of time, women (mostly me) have tried to go after emotionally unavailable men and make them care, and have failed miserably, but Jeff makes you believe that it’s possible. That, and he’s really, really easy on the eyes.
With fake ex-boyfriends like these, it’s no wonder no real guy has lived up to expectations. I’m sure that’ll all change once I enroll in a community college Spanish course. Who are your fictional ex-boyfriends? (Don’t say Jeff; I will have to fight you for him.)