Zara Lisbon
July 30, 2014 5:00 am

Hi everyone, Chump Police here again. Ever since I wrote my last piece on how to avoid being a chump, tons of products, activities and phenomena have been standing out to me as so clearly for chumps only. Because I love you, I’m sharing these discoveries so that you can keep living your life as a champ, not a chump (#champsnotchumps). Here are six chump things to avoid, simply because I said so.

1. That game where you manipulate a claw to win a stuffed animal.

Sorry, the word “manipulate” implies that you have control over the situation. You don’t. If you ever really want to experience the true feeling of being a chump, go find one of these machines and start feeding it your money RIGHT NOW. You pay a dollar in hopes that this janky, weak-jointed claw will be strong enough to grasp the stuffed animal that you want and bring it to you. It almost never happens. I’ve heard a rumor that these machines are programmed to only succeed one in every five times. This gives the player false hope that if he/she just tries a little harder, this time it will work, thus encouraging him/her to keep paying money and losing. I have no evidence that this rumor is true, but I’ve played these evil claw games and it sounds about right.

Do you want a stuffed animal? Go to a store and buy one. Instead of putting money into a machine that probably won’t give you what you want, go to a toy store and spend your money in an environment where you’re guaranteed to get the animal of your choice.

(Note: if you have children, this claw game can be a briefly fun source of entertainment, but it is also likely to make them cry.)

2. The Coors Light Cold Activation Temperature Indicator

Wow. Never has there been such an intense and convoluted name for something so basic and useless. As of a year or two ago, Coors bottles of beer come with “temperature indicators,” which is a fancy term for two strips that read “cold” and “super cold.” If you leave the beer in the fridge/bucket of ice long enough, the “cold” strip will turn blue, and if you leave it in for longer, the “super cold” strip will turn blue. If you use this temperature indicator as an indicator that you should buy this beer, you’re being a chump.

Do you have hands? If so, use one to touch the bottle when curious about the temperature. Humanity has survived for thousands and thousands of years by relying on our senses without any help from little strips that turn blue. Sure, it’s kind of a cute little gimmick, and if you like Coors then whatever, keep buying it. All I’m saying is, I hope no one has ever bought a Coors beer specifically because they were drawn in by the Cold Activation Temperature Indicator.

•Pet Stores: Never, Ever

This one is serious, you guys. If you are paying money for a pet at a store, you’re not only being a chump, but you’re encouraging Puppy Mills and other creepy breeding machines to keep operating. There are countless amounts of animals living in shelters who desperately need homes. If you’re on the market for a new pet, please go to your local shelter and rescue a creature who will love you forever. Yes, animals in pet stores deserve your love just as much as the ones in a shelter, but it is much more helpful to both the animal world and your wallet if you rescue an unwanted mutt instead of paying up to $1,000 to support the mass breeding of golden retrievers.

•The Kim Kardashian: Hollywood Will Destroy You

This little game app makes me genuinely sad for humanity. In this game, you will be challenged to conquer various levels in order to rise up from an E-List Celebrity to an A-List Celebrity. Oh my goodness, where do I even begin? While you’re playing this game, you are neglecting to work on your own real life, you are sending a message to yourself that aspiring to become an A-list celebrity in a virtual world is more important than striving to be your best self in this world. This game promotes the illusion that becoming a celebrity is the highest achievement in this life. Oh, and also you will probably pay money to this game in order to achieve this illusion.

While I think that is a warped approach to reality, my point here is not that we should rebel against fame culture. I grew up in LA and am completely guilty of wanting fame myself, actually. What I’m saying instead, is this: If you want to be an A-List celebrity, or any have any kind of success in any way at all, you must never play this game. If you’re playing a virtual version of Kim Kardashian’s life instead of living out your own dreams, you are being a chump.

•Just Don’t With Hollywood Bus Tours 

Please find something better to do than go on a Hollywood bus tour. Most of these tours take you to see the outside of some famous peoples’ homes, others take you to see where dead celebrities used to hang out. Remember, you are paying money for this. Paying money to sit on a bus while somebody points at a distance to where celebrities live, or where these companies THINK they live/used to hang out.

Maybe I am missing something, but this seems like one of the worst ways to spend your time and money. I would be so nervous that the bus driver, while rambling off some facts about James Dean, would accidentally drive us off a Mulholland cliff. Okay, so you’re not from LA, you’ve travelled half way across the world to be in the land of fame and you want to see some of these people you believe to be larger than life. Bad news: this will not happen on a Hollywood Bus Tour. You’re better off walking around aimlessly, for free. OR you could do something worthwhile like go to a museum or the beach, which is where celebrities actually are.

And anyway, a lot of the best celebs don’t even live in Hollywood, or they live specifically in places where these buses can’t go. Yes, famous people live in LA and famous people die in LA, but that and 25 cents will get you on the bus, as they say, or in this case that and $75 will get you on the bus. Meaning it is worthless. Meaning don’t take a Hollywood Bus Tour. Use your vacation to make your own imprint on LA.

Life is short, and unfortunately filled with pitfalls into The Realm of Chumps. Often, ridiculous things become popular or even commonplace and we blindly trust that we too should jump on board. Do not be this way. This way of living is called being a chump. Hey, listen, if your idea of a good time is sitting on a crowded bus in the heat looking at what may or may not be the outside gate of Brangelina’s home, then amazing, go for it, I just want you to be happy! Think for yourself, live for yourself, value yourself, and you are sure to make the decisions of a champ, not a chump. #champsnotchumps.

(Images via and Shutterstock)

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