Kit Steinkellner
Updated Feb 28, 2015 @ 9:30 am

If you are not caught up on the first episode of season three of House of Cards, avast there, TURN BACK, there be plundering SPOILERS that await ye, here.

Matey, you’ll be waiting and speculating until you get your scurvy tail over to Netflix!

Okay, now that I’ve given you my Pirates of the Caribbean warning, everyone who’s all caught up with the first episode of the new season, let’s talk about the things that shocked our faces off!

Doug Stamper is not dead

Thank you, Beau Willimon, creator of House of Cards, for not killing off fan favorite Doug Stamper. Not only is Doug NOT dead, he’s got some serious ish to work out this season. He’s in physical agony after his attack, he’s effectively being shut out of the White House, and he’s JUST about to fall off the wagon. It’s hell for Stamper, and binge-watching heaven for the rest of us. The best Stamper moment of the ep is probably when he makes a splint for himself out of a SPOON, but I also really liked that long, drawn-out shot of his naked butt, I have such a crush, you guys, I can’t help it, Stamper is such a wounded bird and his eyes are so damn handsome.

Frank Underwood pees on his dad’s grave in the opening scene

In terms of WTF-ery, House of Cards has done worse in previous season openers. The first season opened with Frank killing a dog, the second season premiere concluded with Underwood literally throwing Zoe Barnes under a bus (train, whatever). That said, peeing on your parent’s grave is a PRETTY crazy-times way to start off your season. HoC writing room, you are all deeply disturbed people and we thank you for your service.

Claire is gunning for the UN

She wants to be the UN ambassador, and is not getting a lot of help from, well, anywhere. It’s her husband’s reticence to stick his neck out for her that REALLY hurts. Claire is getting pissed, and when Claire gets pissed, terrible/incredible things happen.

That airstrike is going to be trouble for everyone on this show

Mark my words.

Frank and Colbert

Colbert is SUCH an ass to Frank and everything is the greatest.

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