Everything I need to know, I learned from the McCallister family
Well kiddos. I have written about Home Alone and I have written about Home Alone 2 and rather than stoop so low as to write about any other Home Alone, I will go on pretending they don’t exist. (Though holla at the kid who played Max in Liar, Liar.) I cannot let a Christmas season go by without writing something about Home Alone though, so with no further ado:
EINTKILF The McCallister Family
1. How to speak French.
Basically the only thing I know how to say in French besides “escargot” and “oui” is “les incompétents” because of Linnie.
2. Uncles can be trouble.
I may have said this before once, or twice, or a trillion times, but my mother would never have let either of my uncles talk to me the way Uncle Frank talks to Kevin! Who calls an eight year old a jerk? And Frank is almost worse in Home Alone 2, if that is even possible.
3. French babes do shave their pits.
I mean, some of them do, according to this movie. I should also add that I am super down with ladies that decide not to shave their pits, because women can do whatever they damn well please. BUZZ.
4. Try not to wet the bed.
Isn’t it funny that poor Fuller never even speaks a single line in this whole movie, yet we all know and love him for his wiley eyebrows and incontinence issues? Now some kids can’t help it, but I would advise everyone to try not to wet the bed so your cousin is okay sleeping in the same one as you.
5. Pay attention to your family.
Or learn how to properly count heads, Heather. Now, okay I am not blaming Heather for the entire snafu because she is still a kid and maybe Kate should have decided to count her own children / nieces and nephews, but with her eye-roll angst, she bothers me. I know the little neighbor boy could easily seem like he was Kevin, but she doesn’t even ask him what he is doing rummaging through stuff in the van instead of lining up with the rest of them! I don’t know, guys. I am just not a Heather fan.
Also “pay attention to your family” goes for literally every single member of this family, so you’re welcome.
6. Children are not the same as reading glasses.
Kate: How could we do this? We forgot him.
Peter: We didn’t forget him, we just miscounted.
Kate: What kind of mother am I?
Frank: If it makes you feel any better, I forgot my reading glasses.
[Please see: Lesson Number 2.]
7. Little brothers should not know how to do everything.
Like pack suitcases! I am pretty positive that even I barely know how to pack a suitcase, and I am 27 years old. I usually just shove everything into a handbag and try to go on vacation. The last time I went on a trip, I ended up with three mini-bottles of Advil, sunscreen, and like 40 chapsticks. And anyway, the rest of the McCallister kids don’t know what they are doing either.
Linnie: I hope you didn’t just pack crap, Jeff.
Jeff: Shut up, Linnie.
Kevin: You know what I should pack?
Jeff: Toilet paper and water.
. . .shout out to most of childhood consisting of responding in “shut up”s to your siblings.
8. How not to make a list.
Megan: You’re not at all worried that something might happen to Kevin?
Buzz: No, for three reasons: A, I’m not that lucky. Two, we use smoke detectors, and D, we live on the most boring street in the whole United States of America, where nothing even remotely dangerous will ever happen. Period.
Obviously Buzz isn’t the smartest kid of all-time, but I really feel the need to point out that I am almost positive that Chicago is not really known as a boring city in America. But, you know, whatever helps you sleep at night in France where you don’t care about your eight-year-old brother!
9. Don’t talk back to your mother.
. . .okay, so obviously I think Kevin is the best kid in the history of Christmas movies and / or 90s movies in general, but I would be a bad mentor / human if I defended him blindly throughout all of these lessons. Kevin sasses his mom so bad that I cannot even imagine what my own would have done to me if I had tried anything like that. He is mean, and cruel, and tells her he hopes he never sees her (or any of them) again. I totally think everyone is too mean to Kevin, but I also am totally down for r-e-s-p-e-c-t-ing your mom. She’s doing the best she can, you guys. (Even Kate.)
10. Forgive each other.
And speaking of mothers, in the sweetest scene of all, Kate makes it home to Kevin on Christmas morning. I love that he doesn’t immediately rush to her, but rather only embraces her after she apologizes. It always gets me all weepy because I just . . .never knew mothers could actually apologize!