Hey, Prince Harry! I Have Some Questions For You...
Hello, my sweet Ginger Prince,
I have some things I need to ask you. Mainly, “WHAT IS UP WITH YOU?”
Okay, that might be a little broad and it might be just one thing.
Please allow me to be more specific.
See, like most Anglophiles, I’ve grown up consuming almost every bit of media released about you. So, I’ve heard the silly stories about how when you were a kid and Prince William told Princess Diana he didn’t want to grow up to be king, you sassed him and told him he had to be. And I know you were involved with Chelsy Davy for a long time. And I know you just came back from a tour in Afghanistan and were promptly drilled by the press on all things Harry and Will and Kate. And I know that you came out of that press gauntlet quoted as saying you were “thrilled” for Will and Kate, which has only made me more curious about you.
When you say you’re “thrilled” for Will and Kate and the baby on the way, do you mean you’re “thrilled” in the way I was when my sister had a baby? I was thrilled because then I’d have a baby to dress up in clothes I got on sale at an Osh Kosh B’Gosh factory outlet, but it wouldn’t be a baby I’d have to burp or change or be in any way physically or financially responsible for.
Or are you “thrilled” because this means you have even less responsibility than before? Because as of right now, you’re third in line for the throne and after Kate delivers her gorgeous baby, you’ll be fourth. Which means you probably won’t ever have to be King. You can just keep on being the playboy prince forever.
Or did you mean you were “thrilled” in both ways? That’s fine. People are capable of complex emotions.
And would Will and Kate like me to pick up a onesie for the kid next time I’m at an Osh Kosh B’Gosh factory outlet store, or are they cool on the onesie front? They’re probably cool, right? I’m sure Reiss or Jenny Packham is designing some out of tie silk or something for the kid to spit up on.
But back to you, my Pumpkin Pimpernel. How are you really feeling these days?
I guess I’m asking this because even though details about you are everywhere, you’re still somewhat of an enigma. A smiling, drinking, polo-playing, rich, ginger enigma. But you’re still an enigma, nonetheless. So much so that I kind of want to make a joke about the Brits cracking the German codes in the Enigma Project in World War 2, but I’m not entirely sure you’re smart enough to pick up the reference?
Are you smart enough? See, I don’t actually know if you’re smart!
From what I’ve gathered in the press, there’s not a lot I actually know for sure about you. I’ve gathered that you are rich. You are very handsome. You enjoy getting drunk and stripping in Vegas. You looked kind of hungover at Will and Kate’s wedding–but that’s speculation on my part. You date rich blonde girls. You like horses. You like puppies. You’re good with children. You’re in the military and might have killed some people on your tour of duty. You are, as I said, very handsome. Oh, and your real name is Henry.
Do you have ambitions outside of royalty? Maybe you’d like to stay in the military. It sounds like you’d prefer to stay in the military. Maybe you want to hang out in Canada and paint ducks. Maybe you want to study flute making. Maybe you just want to sit down for a while in a nice chair.
Maybe you just don’t know.
The weird thing about you is because everything is already provided for you in terms of wealth and food and housing, you probably don’t really need any sort of burning ambition. You don’t need a career. You don’t need a calling. Which is weird, because I think people need goals to be fully actualized adults. Maybe I caught too much Oprah in the afternoon after school growing up, but I think that once we figure out what we want to do with our lives, we can figure out who we are, or at least, who we want to be.
Maybe there’s more to you than just being a prince, but the world’s already told you that’s who you are. I kind of feel bad for you because maybe that’s all you’ll end up ever being.
Then again, I don’t feel sad for you because you are, ahem, royalty.
I suppose it’s none of my business how you feel and what you want to do with your life, except I think that because you’re royalty and because you enjoy your privileged lifestyle at the expense of British tax payers (and I actually did pay taxes those six months I worked at Lush in Covent Garden so this does include me), maybe you should think about your purpose in society more. Not just because you as a prince owe us, but every member of society ought to think about his or her role. What purpose do any of us have?
Now, I’ve gotten a bit metaphysical. I don’t expect an answer to these questions. They’re big questions for any person. Also, this is an open letter on a ladies humor and lifestyle blog.
But seriously, “WHAT IS UP WITH YOU?”
A Ginger Peasant on the Internet
Featured image via ShutterStock