jessica tholmer
November 30, 2015 8:16 am

Hey, I love Christmas movies as much, if not more, than the next person but I think there is untapped territory when it comes to Hallmark movies. Part of the holiday season is embracing the corny and Hallmark does corny very, very well. If you have never sat down for a Hallmark movie marathon, you should all be jealous of my Thanksgiving weekend.

EINTKILF Hallmark Christmas Movies

1. Your first pick isn’t always the one. 
Every Hallmark Christmas movie has something like…the person you are dating ends up not being the person you are meant to be with. Of course this seems true for any typical rom-com scenario but in Hallmark Christmas movies, it is a bit more involved. Usually your partner will break up with you in the beginning of the movie and you’ll be heartbroken until you meet the mysterious stranger in a new city, etc.

Or 

If you get separated from your partner/fiancee/long-term person, you will inevitably have an awesome meet-cute with someone else and end up discovering that they are really the love of your life.

2. Work is not as important as family. 
Almost every Hallmark Christmas movie includes some kind of “I work too much” person, who ultimately realizes that family/love is more important than their job. This also usually includes some kind of “my job is sort of sleazy anyway,” like an ad agency that lies to their clients or something.

CHOOSE FAMILY OVER WORK, YOU GUYS.

3. Faking love gets you what you want. 
A favorite Hallmark movie theme is the “get someone to pretend to be your BF/GF so your family doesn’t ask you a million questions.” First of all, I am so happy that I don’t have to do that in my family because everyone supports everyone being single or in love or whatever. Secondly, this plot line always reminds me of The Wedding Date, a movie I only saw one time but that I think of often.

But hey, if you use a fake boyfriend for your Christmas party, maybe it will work out for the best.

4. Santa knows everything.
A thing about Hallmark Christmas movies? Santa Claus is real. Oftentimes, a mall Santa Claus will turn out to be a real Santa Claus who is almost literally granting wishes of sad adults and/or little kids who are meddling in their parents’  lives. DUH. What is Christmas for? I wish someone would ask Santa for some things for me!

My list:

— True love
— My dream job that is wholly fulfilling
— My cat to stop meowing 75% of my day
— A savings account
— Annual trips to Disneyland

5. Family can always withstand betrayal.

A real text message I received on a Saturday night about the movie A Christmas Detour. Because my friends and I are super cool and popular.

6. Honesty is the best policy.
I just got done watching a Hallmark Christmas movie called I’m Not Ready for Christmas and it was basically the plot of Liar Liar but more, well, Christmas-y. Basically the main character’s niece asks Santa for her aunt to stop lying and so she has to be super honest and it ultimately lands her in a promotion as well as a super hot boyfriend (who played Lucy’s husband on 7th Heaven). Good movie. Lots of beautiful redheads. Also we should always tell the truth, all of us.

7. Everyone deserves a second chance. 
And by that, I don’t mean in the movie, I mean I watched a lot of Hallmark movies featuring my favorite actors from shows like Full HouseFriday Night Lights, and everything else you can think of. Mostly when I say “favorite actors,” I mean Candace Cameron Bure and Lori Loughlin.

And also actors from soap operas I love like Ali Sweeney.

8. Bosses are jerks.
Okay this is a bad lesson because I personally have enjoyed most of my bosses in my life but Hallmark Christmas movies typically have the “big stuffy suit guy” as the boss and he usually sucks and the movie usually ends with him (it’s usually a him) not “winning” aka Nice Guys Really Do Finish Last!!!

9. Money ain’t a thing.
In A Royal Christmas, beautiful Lacey Chabert is rejected by beautiful Jane Seymour because, of course, she isn’t royalty and her son is. I actually don’t even 100% sure know what kind of “royalty” this dude is, but his mother definitely didn’t approve of his dating the “lowly” Lacey Chabert.

That all being said, eventually mom accepts her after she rakes her over the coals the whole movie. Prince Charming proposes, she almost rejects him until mom pops out to give her approval, and then they get married right away. That’s another thing…

10. Weddings are NBD.
After two people agree to get married, the wedding is immediate. I’m not even mad about this because wedding planning sounds like a nightmare. I’m down for a two-day turnaround.

Hallmark, I love you. Where would we be without you during the holidays?

(Featured images via Hallmark Channel.)

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