Sammy Nickalls
April 13, 2015 5:45 am

For ten long, hard months, we’ve been waiting. Waiting to find out if Tywin is really dead. Waiting to hear where Tyrion ended up, and if Arya successfully made it to Braavos. Waiting for the game. . . OF THRONES.

Season four ended in mid-June with a bajillion cliffhangers, and we have pretty much been on the edge of our seats for close to a year now. Earlier yesterday, a lot of GoT fans had their dreams come true when a bunch of episodes–four, to be exact–got leaked online.

“Sadly, it seems the leaked four episodes of the upcoming season of Game of Thrones originated from within a group approved by HBO to receive them,” HBO said in a statement to USA Today yesterday. “We’re actively assessing how this breach occurred.” We’d say it probz occurred because GoT has been the most pirated show on the Internet for three consecutive years, according to TorrentFreak.com . . . and it’s all because of those PAINFULLY BEAUTIFUL CLIFFHANGERS.

Since I, of course, did not partake in the viewing of the leaks, I’m not totally sure how I made it through all that time without my GoT fix. . . but that doesn’t matter now! Because finally, season five of Game of Thrones has officially began. And last night’s season premiere did not disappoint. We still have visions of swords and direwolves dancing in front of our eyes, TBH.

For those of you who missed it, or just want a recap of the awesomeness, we’ve split up our reactions by character, as we did in our season four refresher last week. A warning: this post is literally ALL spoilers, if that wasn’t made perfectly clear.

Cersei Lannister

The episode begins with Cersei . . . but not present-day Cersei. It’s a flashback: Cersei as a young girl. We can immediately tell it’s Cersei because she’s just a total brat to her friend, whom she’s walking with in the forest. When they come across a fortune teller, Cersei orders her to tell her fortune, “or I’ll have your two boring eyes gouged out of your head.” Wow, Cers, you’ve been a real charmer from the get-go.

The fortune-teller tells Cersei the truth: she’ll be married to a king, and she’ll be queen, for a time. . . until a another “younger, more beautiful” woman will take it all away from her (which is probz why Cersei has been trying to kill Margaery with her eyes for so long). When Cersei asks about her future kids, the fortune teller tells her that the king will have twenty children. . . and she will have three, with blonde hair. Check, check, and check.

Cersei snaps out of her flashback, and we’re back to the present day. It’s the day of Tywin’s funeral, and Jaime and Cersei stand over his dead body as Cersei lets Jaime have it. She knows he let Tyrion go, and she essentially blames Jaime for Tywin’s death. Doesn’t look like Cersei and Jaime will be having any relations anytime soon.

Speaking of incest, Lancel Lannister (Cersei’s cousin and her own personal Jaime sex understudy) is back . . . and he seems to be a religious zealot now. He attends Tywin’s funeral, and weirdly apologizes to Cersei about Robert Baratheon’s death, as if he had something to do with it. . . hmmm.

Daenerys Targaryen

The first we hear of our queen’s world: one of the Unsullied has been killed in a brothel. Major party foul in Meereen. Daenerys, being the amazing lady she is, wants to have him buried and laid in the temple of Meereen. . . but the people of Meereen would not be cool with that. In response, she says, “Angry snakes lash out. Makes chopping off their heads that easier.” LIKE A BOSS.

Later in the episode, Daenerys and Daarios are having a conversation naked, clearly post sex. It’s a little hard to concentrate on what they’re saying, what with the two of them being so darn sexy, but Daarios essentially explains that Daenerys needs to use her dragons, not the Unsullied, to patrol the city. “A dragon queen with no dragons is not a queen,” he tells her.

So Daenerys opens the cavern where her two remaining dragons are kept. . . but the pair of them are quite salty about being kept captive, and they try to bite her and roar in her face. The expression on her face made our hearts break. Poor Daenerys is not having it easy at the start of this season.

Tyrion Lannister

Our fave Lannister Tyrion arrives in a crate across the Narrow Sea, looking a bit worse for the wear. He’s clearly been traveling for quite some time, because he has quite an impressive beard. I personally think he should keep it, TBH, because it really suits him.

Now, though everyone’s obvs SUPER excited that Tyrion is a) alive and b) free, Tyrion does not share our glee. Varys tries to explain to him that he needs to get his head in the game, that Westeros needs to be saved. However, these words are lost on a very drunk and despondent Tyrion, who proceeds to claim that “the future is sh*t, just like the past,” vomit all over the floor, then chug more wine again. Oh, sweetie, you’re just a hot mess.

Later on in the episode, Tyrion asks why Varys saved him. Varys explains that he did it for the good of the realm, because he believes that Tyrion can use his talent to find someone for the Iron Throne who is kind, strong, just, and has a good family name.

“Good luck finding him,” Tyrion tells him . . . and Varys responds, “Who said anything about him?” That’s right, folks: VARYS WANTS DAENERYS ON THE THRONE. And seriously, if she has the Spider on her side, how can this NOT happen? Seems like her start to the season isn’t so sour after all . . . as long as Tyrion cooperates, that is.

Jon Snow

Things are getting serious on the Wall. While Jon is training a youngster and newcomer to the Wall how to fight, Melisandre approaches Jon and tells him that “the king” (aka Stannis) needs a word. Stannis essentially tells Jon that he wants to kill Bolton (who killed Jon’s bro Robb, if you didn’t recall), but he needs an army.

If the wildlings fight for Stannis, he will not only pardon them, but declare them citizens of the realm and give them land to live on. But in order for this to work, Jon has to convince Mance Radar to kneel before him and swear his loyalty before nightfall. If not, he’ll be burned alive. Yeesh.

That doesn’t work out well: Jon tries his hardest, but Mance refuses, saying he’d be betraying everything he believes in. When Jon tells him he’s making a mistake, Mance says, “The freedom to make my own mistakes was all I ever wanted.” Hot damn, this show is full of golden quotes.

Alas, Mance is burned alive by Melisandre for his refusal to kneel. His screams are TERRIFYING, and he’s clearly in a ton of pain. . . so Jon showed yet again that he’s a fabulous hero by shooting him in the heart with an arrow to spare him any further misery.

Sansa Stark

We only get a brief snippet of Sansa’s story, but she’s still safe and sound. Sansa and Petyr have pawned off the pathetic Lord Arryn, Lysa’s son, to one of his uncles. Now, the pair is traveling west. When Sansa asks where they’re going, Petyr responds, “To a land so far from here even Cersei Lannister can’t get her hands on you.” (And where HE can get his hands on her, obvs.)

Brienne of Tarth

We also only get a snapshot of Brienne, but she’s pretty bitter about the whole not-rescuing-Arya thing, and she’s taking it out on her squire, Pod. “I’m not a leader,” she tells Pod. “All I ever wanted was to fight for a lord I believed in.” She misses her Renly, and again, our hearts break.

Arya Stark

We’re really sad that there wasn’t a single second of Arya time last night. But it looks like she’ll be getting some attention next week, according to the teaser for next Sunday. She’s arrived at “the house of black and white” where she will “find the man she seeks.”

Sounds pretty promising to us.

Images via HBO

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