Erin Mallory Long
April 16, 2015 1:33 pm

Friends is one of my favorite things in the world. It taught me about what my 20s absolutely would not be like, what apartments were unrealistic in New York and, of course, what a “break” is in a relationship. It’s affected my life so intensely, I even have a podcast all about it. So of course, when one of the main characters is a masseuse, massages come up a lot in the series. I’ve now had TWO massages in my entire life and on my most recent experience I realized getting a massage is a harrowing ordeal for a Friends fan.

Here are the thoughts (mostly worries) I had during this massage:

Oh yep, here are her feet!

Just like when Rachel is getting a massage from Phoebe, you can just straight up look right at your masseuse’s feet the entire time they’re standing by you. Also, this makes it feel like they’re a ninja whenever they move to a different location.

I guess she’s not “feet flirting” with me

Remember when Phoebe is attracted to her massage client and wears a toe ring and anklet because “that’s the only part of her he’ll see?” Well, my masseuse was NOT doing that to me at this massage. She was wearing very sensible shoes and I thought how that was a good idea since she’s on her feet a lot and “how did Phoebe think her feet flirting was a good idea?!”

I am so glad I’m not in the back of a van with Phoebe right now

When Phoebe is pregnant with her brother’s triplets she and Rachel come up with “Relaxicab” where Phoebe could massage people in the back of a van. Thankfully, everyone realizes this is a terrible idea but it didn’t stop my mind from wandering to that place during my non-mobile massage.

OH DEAR GOD DON’T MAKE SEX NOISES

Phoebe gets jealous when she realizes Monica gets massages from someone else (side bar: Monica gets these massages IN HER OWN HOME – HOW RICH IS SHE?!) but when Phoebe finally massages Monica she finds out Monica makes “sex noises” during her massage. You better believe I was on HIGH alert for any noises I might accidentally make and definitely stopped myself from making ANY SOUND AT ALL.

Wouldn’t it be weird if the person massaging me were Ross with wooden spoons?

In a plotline that no real life human would ever do, Ross ends up massaging Phoebe’s client—an older man, who he mistakenly thought was going to be a hot girl. What was Ross’ plan for massaging the hot girl? Thankfully, we’ll never know. But for the old man he pulled out wooden spoons and “tonka trucks” so….

So glad I’m not actively trying to catch this woman in a lie

Later in the series, Phoebe works at a fancy massage place and is embarrassed for selling out. Rachel, of course, gets a gift certificate to that same place which Phoebe asks her not to use, but blah blah this is a sitcom so of course she uses it and Phoebe gives her massage! Besides the fact that I’d feel weird having my best friend massage me, Rachel also quickly realizes it’s Phoebe and tries to catch her in her cover up! Too much stress for a relaxing time!

And of course, thank goodness Monica is not massaging me 

(main image via, feet flirting via, Relaxicab via, Monica/Phoebe massage pic via, Ross wooden spoons via, Phoebe/Rachel massage via, Monica massage pic via)

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