Kit Steinkellner
December 25, 2015 6:42 am

Real talk, Friends taught us so much about life in general, but they REALLY taught us about the holidays. Below, a list of the important holiday lessons and life hacks we learned from our friends Rachel, Ross, Monica, Chandler, Joey and Phoebe.

Season 2- The one with Phoebe’s Dad

  • How to tip your super (and your mailman, and your newspaper person…) 

    Okay, Monica and Rachel were broke and that’s why they were making them, but cookies do say that! 

    Unfortunately, most of the service people were none too impressed with the cookies…

    So maybe you combine the cookies with some cash on the sly?

  • Real talk re: presents 

Ross reminded us that you probably shouldn’t get your on-again off-again girlfriend a Slinky.

Also maybe don’t get your mom a bedazzled marine-inspired blouse unless you want your sister to joke about your mom being voted “best dressed at the make-believe military academy.”

  • As Phoebe reminds us, Christmas Eve Eve is totally a thing.

So go ahead and wish people a happy one.

  • If your radiator won’t shut off in time for your holiday shindig…

Just call it a tropical Christmas party (but note, sometimes the knob is broken so you can just turn it off from underneath)

Season 3- The one Where Rachel Quits

  • There’s definitely an argument against Christmas trees…

“I am against innocent trees being cut down in their prime and their corpses grotesquely dressed in like tinsel and twinkly lights.”- Phoebe

  • There’s also definitely an argument FOR Christmas trees

“Hey Phoebe, listen you’ve got this all wrong. Those trees were born to be Christmas trees. They’re fulfilling their life purpose by making people happy.”- Joey

” Yes, and the trees are happy to because for most of them it’s their only chance to see New York”- Chandler

  • Having “a very serious nougat deficiency” is totally a thing according to Ross Gellar’s doctor.

So eat up, Christmas cookie lovers.

  • Sometimes the sweetest thing you can do for a tenderhearted friend who can’t bear the thought of unsold Christmas trees going in the chipper…

…is decorate the apartment with all the gross, old, dead trees no one else wanted

  • Also, sometimes the best Christmas you can give yourself is to quit your unfulfilling job so you can pursue your dreams.

Season 4- The One With the Girl From Poughkeepsie

  • Don’t get your newspapers out of the trash unless you want to be two weeks late to the Christmas tree lighting.
  • When writing an original holiday song, make sure the lyrics rhyme with your friends names (Hanukkah/Monica, Snowy/Joey, Dreidel/Rachel.)

And when your friend Rachel gently reminds you that her name doesn’t rhyme with dreidel, gently remind your friend Rachel back that “nothing rhymes with your stupid name,” and suggest a nickname with an easy holiday rhyme, like “Budolph.”

Season 5- The One With the Inappropriate Sister

  • How to get a job as a Salvation Army holiday donations person

Lie about being able to say Merry Christmas in 25 different languages, natch.

  • How to get your friend to donate to the charitable Christmas cause you’re raising money for

Pointedly comment on her expensive looking suede jacket and fresh manicure. Watch her empty her whole purse into your donations bucket.

  • But don’t let people donate trash

Season 6- The One With the Routine

  • It’s totally fine to be grumpy that people use tiny little Christmas lights nowadays and be nostalgic for the days when they used big Christmas lights 

But your friends will call you grandpa, Chandler.

  • “Having a perfectly decorated tree is not what Christmas is about. It’s about being with the ones you love”-Monica 

AKA let your friends totally mess up the decorations on one side of the Christmas tree, decorate your side perfectly, and the spin the tree around so your side faces front.

  • The best place to hide presents from nosy friends who want to open early… 

The hollow bench near your window. Worst place? Under the couch. Second worst place- in the guest room closet on top of Chandler’s, um, magazines. Just kidding, this is the worst place.

  • But seriously, don’t ruin Christmas by peeking at presents

You can wait, we believe in you.

Season 7- The One With the Holiday Armadillo

  • How to decorate for Christmas like Phoebe’s mom

Put a skull on the table to remind everyone that “Even though it’s still Christmas, people die.”

Also, you can put candy in it.

  • If they’re out of Santa costumes, make up your own Christmas character.

Like an armadillo. A HOLIDAY armadillo. Who represents the southern states. And is part Jewish, so also covers the Hanukkah beat.

FYI, you might be joined by actual Santa Claus and Christmas Superman, so just be prepared. They also might put their own twist on the story of Hanukkah:

Season 8- The One With the Creepy Holiday Card

  • Rachel’s antidote to holiday loneliness?

Going from mall to mall sitting on Santa laps. Yo, whatever works.

  • Get out of looking at someone’s boring holiday pictures with nonsensical Joey excuse

“Ordinarily, I would love to, but I am just swamped right now at work.” Then break eye contact and pretend to brush something off your shirt for a long time.

  • If you’ve only been going out with someone for a few months it MIGHT be a smidge early to start sending holiday cards out together.

That said, if you’re trying to get out of an uncomfortable “Where are we in our relationship” talk, then yes, totally, pull a Ross and put the holiday card thing back on the table

Season 9- The One With Christmas in Tulsa

  • Don’t spend Christmas in Tulsa.

KIDDING, obviously, if you’re from/live in Tulsa, Oklahoma it up. But if you’re a New Yorker, don’t let a job you hate send you far away for Christmas AND New Years. Also, don’t let Selma Blair’s alter-ego bully you into an extramarital affair. Just remember those two things and you should crush it this Xmas.

  • Christmas is a great time to quit that job you hate

We learned this in Season 3 with Rachel, we’re reminded again in Season 9 with Chandler. Hate your job? ‘Tis the season to say “BYEEEEEE!”

(Images via NBC and Giphy)

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