Laura Kadner
June 11, 2014 7:06 am

Several times per day, I find myself completely bummed that I don’t live in an alternate universe. A place where I could’ve gone to a real Hogwarts or been able to time travel. It’s just so infuriating when you read about awesome technology and magical objects you’ll never be able to use.

Surely there must be a way to will things in to existence if you wish hard enough? A devil I can sell my soul to, perhaps? Or an underwater octopus queen with whom I can strike a bargain? No? Ah, well. Here are some of my favorite fictional technology and magical objects I wish existed IRL:

Hermione’s Time-Turner

Not only would I have a way to go back in time, but I’d also have a very stylish piece of jewelry. I sure as snot wouldn’t use it to take extra classes though. What a waste of a time-turner. Yeah, yeah, Hermione and the gang eventually used it to save lives, but shouldn’t that have been its real purpose in the first place? Again, probably not what I’d do with it. But that seems way more worthy than being able to do all your homework. What would I do? I’d probably use it to re-eat the same bag of Doritos over and over.

Neuralyzer from Men in Black

A device you can flash in someone’s face to make them lose their memory? Yes, please. This could be particularly useful for terrible job interviews, that time you got caught going through your significant other’s cell phone, and occasions upon which you publicly fart and sneeze at the same time.

Marty McFly’s Hover Board

This is so obvious do I even need to say it? Apparently so. You hover off the ground while skateboarding. Is there anything more fun? No more watching out for potholes and rocks. Smooth sailin‘! I’d just be sure to wait ’til they make one that works on water before buying. I’d say the time-traveling DeLorean, but I’d already have Hermione’s Time-Turner so not necessary!

Luna’s Orgasmatron

No, not Luna Lovegood, sillies! Luna, Diane Keaton’s character from Woody Allen’s Sleeper. She has an Orgasmatron inside her house, perfect for entertaining guests! I mean, it’s called an Orgasmatron so I think you can figure out what it does and why it would be so popular.

Mary Poppins’ Bottomless Purse

If I could easily carry around all my stuff at once, it’d be a dream. I’m very possessive and bad at sharing so if I could greedily keep all my stuff with me at all times, I’d be able to rest easy. Plus, I’d always ready for any situation!

Images via wikia, scifinow, zimbio, westword

You May Like