Tyler Vendetti
August 28, 2014 6:00 am

The most difficult part about becoming emotionally invested in a TV show or movie is knowing that, at some point, the story has to end. No matter how compelling a character or plot-line, it cannot live beyond the boundaries of a script. As a result, we are forced to settle for watching reruns of our favorite shows and conjuring up “what if” scenarios, perhaps incessantly to the annoyance of family and friends. (“No, I do not want to read your Serenity fan-fiction about Mal and Inara’s secret love child. That’s the third time you’ve asked me.”) It’s natural, I think, to wonder what happens next, especially when it comes to characters that are near and dear to our hearts, like those from ’90s TV shows and movies. Where would Clarissa Darling be now, or Kelly Kapowski, or Patti Mayonnaise? Well, I have a few guesses:

1. Clarissa Darling from Clarissa Explains It All

Played by the fabulous Melissa Joan Hart, Clarissa Darling was an aspiring journalist who was never afraid to challenge the opinions of others. These skills would ultimately lead Clarissa to a job as an investigative reporter, where she could use her unique fashion sense to create disguises and uncover the truth behind unjust situations. This same drive would make her a good activist for causes like “saving the planet” or “publicly embarrassing Ferguson because he totally deserves it.”

2. Stacey McGill from The Baby-Sitters Club

What started as a popular book series turned into an international phenomena when HBO premiered The Baby-Sitters Club in 1990. As treasurer of the school’s Baby-Sitter Club, Stacey knew more about numbers than Count Dracula ever would. Though Stacey ultimately chooses to return to her hometown outside of New York, the city is really where she belongs and where I predict she would’ve eventually ended up. Where else can you find shopping centers and large accounting firms (the perfect job for someone who is good with numbers) within walking distance of each other? Not to mention, her obsession with Bloomingdale’s would provide the perfect opportunity for a potential Friends-crossover. Can anyone else see Rachel Green and Stacey McGill as BFFs?

3. Kelly Kapowski from Saved by the Bell

Kelly Kapowski was a beautiful, high-achieving socialite with dreams of becoming an actress. While I could see her landing a few minor roles in made-for-TV movies and low-budget indie films, her dedication to her family (I’m picturing seven kids, just like the family she grew up with, and maybe a dog or two) would force her to find a more financially-stable career. Nursing would be my first guess (especially since that’s the career path she was following during The College Years), as it would allow her to take care of others and unintentionally woo patients with her fashionable floral scrubs. Of course, she’d be married to Zack Morris, so they wouldn’t have a chance.

4. Patti Mayonnaise from Doug

Considering everything she’s been through, I’m thoroughly impressed with Patti’s positivity. As the daughter of a disabled single dad, Patti is automatically attuned to rough family situations, which makes me think she’d pursue a career as a social worker. When she’s not mentoring young children on the side or volunteering at a physical therapy clinic, Patti will be enjoying private time with her husband Doug. (As one HelloGiggles writer previously pointed out, that would make her Patti Funnie-Mayonnaise. Yes, you can laugh.)

5. Laney Boggs from She’s All That

In She’s All That, Laney Boggs proved that it’s okay to be yourself and to give the most popular boy in school sass if he deserves it. Her refusal to fall for Zack’s petty tricks combined with her natural artistic talent would make her a great graphic designer, one who could easily outsmart her coworkers. Not afraid to break gender stereotypes, Laney will be the breadwinner of the household while her husband Zack (whose marriage proposal she will reject twice “just because”) will stay home with their wonderfully nerdy children, who make a habit of painting their bedroom walls and tripping down the stairs. Like mother, like children. Or something.

6. Cher Horowitz from Clueless

As a social butterfly with a legitimate interest in helping people, Cher Horowitz could pursue a number of different careers. The most plausible option would be for her to become a stylish lawyer, so she can make use of her negotiating skills without sacrificing her interest in fashion. (Do I smell the next Elle Woods? Oh wait, no, I just smell her resume.) Then again, her ability to manipulate a person’s public image would make her a good publicist or agent (though she’d have to refrain from making up slang words if she wants to be taken seriously in the real world). If all else fails, at least she’ll have an awesome husband/ex-stepbrother to come back to at the end of the day.

(Featured image via TimeInc, images and gifs via Complex.com and WhatCulture.com, here, here, here, here, here)

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