jessica tholmer
April 04, 2016 9:14 am
NBC/ Getty Images

Man, I don’t even know, you guys. Somehow, March is over and we’re in spring and I’m dreaming of summer and my life is kind of all over the place right now. Being that it’s April, it also means that I have been watching Parks and Rec for over a year, which means that I have actually watched Parks and Rec THREE times from front to back.

You know how we all do the like, “I’m this character, I’m this character” thing? Well, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again — it’s different with Parks. Very rarely are any of us just 100% a Leslie instead of being a solid mixture of quite a few of the characters. So while I’m a 98% Rachel Green on Friends, I am a solid mixture of Ann, Ben, Tom, and April on Parks and Rec. So let’s talk about Tom, shall we?

EINTKILF Tom Haverford

Be fashionable
Well if there is one thing Tom cares about, it is being up on the trends, which absolutely means fashion. From trying on different outfits for Leslie’s boyfriend Justin, to wearing shoes that have red carpetted insoles, fashion means a lot to Tom. And that’s great! He always looks awesome.

Dating deal breakers are important
For a weird, brief period of time, Ann and Tom date. I mean, they kinda date. I mean, they date but it definitely is not a viable thing and no one really understands it. We’ve all been there, you know? While Tom and Ann — a very incompatible couple — are dating, Tom realizes that Ann hits on quite a few of his dating “oh-no-no”s. As he says, “Ann doesn’t care about the thread count of sheets, hasn’t ever seen a Paul Walker movie, doesn’t care about Blu Ray, has no love for ’90s R&B, and hasn’t ever even heard of Ginuwine. Oh-No-No!”

Though the only one of those that really matters to me is the ’90s R&B, it is very important to have specific deal breakers that you just won’t give in on. I am a tiny bit more of an adult than Tom is, so my deal breakers revolve around feminism, politics, and Titanic (must be willing to watch it on occasion). Having your passions acknowledged in a relationship is necessary.

Confidence is key
In case you missed it, Tom is a hella confident dude. Not only is he always sure of himself, he has no problem presenting himself as possibly more sure of himself than he even really is. Tom is confident enough to present cologne scents (Tommy Fresh!) to a super douchey cologne maker. I am definitely the kind of person who backs away from anyone intimidating, especially if they are successful. But that’s dumb, you guys. Don’t be like me, be like Tom. He is the epitome of fake it ’til you make it.

Know how to treat a lady
I know this might not be a popular opinion, but I actually think Tom is really good with women. Here’s the deal — I don’t do well with dudes trying to pick me up in a bar but I can guarantee you that Tom’s charms would work on me. You know how Pawnee Today host Joan Callamezzo reacts to Tom? That would be me.And jokes aside, Tom dates women like Ann, Nadia, and Lucy — three incredible women. He also kind of dates like. . . Tammy 2 and stuff, but not everyone is perfect.

Treat yourself
I mean, duh. Tom is half the reason we all say “treat yo self” whenever we online shop, or buy a bottle of wine that costs more than $8.

Music is important
As previously mentioned, ’90s R&B is very important to me, and Tom, and hopefully to you reading this right now. Beyond that, Tom takes his musical endeavors very seriously. He is crushed when the teenagers respond more positively to Ben’s ’90s alternative music at their dance than to Tom’s bangin’ club hits, and he completely revives Ann’s lackluster Halloween party when he shows up dressed as T-Pain and brings the jams. Tom takes music very seriously and usually works rap and hip-hop references into every ounce of his life.

Don’t take the high road
His insane logic makes sense to me 100% of the time. What does that say about me?

Follow your dreams
On a semi-serious note, Tom is one of the biggest dreamers on Parks and Rec. Though Tom’s dreams are a bit more illogical as compared to like…Leslie’s, it is actually quite inspiring how often he follows his dreams. Beside the “Tommy Fresh” saga, Tom has a billion other ideas throughout the show’s six seasons. Tommy and the Foxx, Sparkle Suds, H2H0, Snakehole Lounge, the absolutely abysmal Entertainment 720, and of course, Tommy’s Bistro are just a few of the many dreams Tom kind of makes a reality.

Though Tom seems absolutely ridiculous, many of his ideas are at least fleshed out long enough to discover that they are, well, bad ideas. How many of us have little ideas that we refuse to follow through with because of A, B, or C reasons? I know I do. At least Tom knocks them out of the park, accepts the failure, and moves onto his next thing. Also who wouldn’t read a book by Tom Haverford?

Be ambitious
Connected to the whole “dreams” thing, Tom is one of the most ambitious characters on television. Though he acknowledges his faults (that he may not realize are faults), Tom gets ish done. He can run a business (or multiple), he can dress well, he can name drop anyone, he is a great friend to all of his friends, he loves honestly and deeply, and he can do anything he sets his mind to. What a man.

Food nicknames are hilarious
Look, I could not rightfully write a whole thing about Tom Haverford without mentioning how creative he is. The first episode of Parks and Rec I ever saw was the episode in which Tom gives us the rundown of food (and utensil) nicknames that he has created. And let’s be honest — we all now say “chicky-chicky-parm-parm.”

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