jessica tholmer
July 08, 2013 7:00 am

Hi guys. Guess what? Tomorrow (July 9th) is Tom Hanks‘ birthday, and I don’t know if you know this about me, but I am a huge Tom Hanks fan because A) he’s amazing B) I’m a human being and we should all love Tom and C) I like Cancers.

But seriously if someone says they don’t love Tom, they are simply trying to be different. Hanks love is something we should all be okay conforming with. To? Whatever, I digress. Just thought I would let you know that I just declared the month of July “Tom Hanks Month.” The rest of the EINTKILFs for the month of July will be–that’s right!–Tom Hanks movies. YOU’RE WELCOME IN ADVANCE.

Let’s start with a classic, and my first ever EINTKILF Pixar movie! Fitting since, you know, it was the first Pixar movie. I will never forget being blown away by the animation, and then right after the movie, we went to Burger King and I was like, “sick, why would anyone want to eat a flame broiled burger? Can we go to McDonald’s instead?” but we went because they had Toy Story toys and I got to feel like Andy for a minute, because obviously I prefer Woody to Buzz, but anyway this isn’t a lesson I just love talking about myself.

EINTKILF Toy Story

1. Avoid garage sales at all times.
Now obviously this is a double-sided lesson because everybody knows that garage sales are actually awesome. Going garage sale-ing is one of the best and most affordable activities. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure and yadda yadda yadda, but let me tell you what. As a kid, as a human child, I hated the concept of a garage sale because I just knew my mother was suggesting it to get rid of my possessions. I used to be quite the pack rat (not so much anymore) so I am sure I drove my mother crazy with the things I thought were important enough to KEEP FOREVER THROUGH ALL OF THE MANY MOVES. I will never forget when she made me get rid of one of my favorite stuffed animals: Raccoon. Yeah, he was a life-sized (when I was a kid) freakin’ raccoon. I threw up on him once when I had the flu and I made Ma wash him instead of throwing him away. When I got head lice, that was the final straw.

Oh my god, she just chucked him, we didn’t sell him at a garage sale that would be so creepy. Also, a life sized raccoon? What’s wrong with me? That is such a creepy thing to sleep with.

Anyway, Toy Story starts, as I am sure you know, with the toys freaking out about Andy’s birthday party because obviously kids get new toys for birthdays! One of my favorite lines:

Hamm: Yes, sir, we’re next month’s garage sale fodder for sure.

Hamm is the man.

2. Neighbor kids are always jerks.
Sid Phillips is one of the best Disney and/or Pixar villains ever because he is a real kid! We all knew Sid growing up, right? That crazy child who got a real kick out of “playing” the way we all knew we were not supposed to be “playing.” I don’t mean throwing old apples through the shed windows (this girl), or playing Monkey in the Middle with googley eyed stuffed animals so it could potentially hurt a bit when the other kids got hurt (this girl), or throwing Barbies down the stairs until their limbs came off…shoot, maybe my brothers and I are Sids. 

But anyway, Sid is the kind of boy that probably grew up to be a serial killer, so that’s really comforting, Pixar.

And in my experience, everyone hates their neighbors anyway, so very relatable storyline, Toy Story. Kudos.

3. Who Picasso is.

So obviously because I was only eight years old, I looked up Picasso in the encyclopedia because I was that kid. And YEAH we DID have real encyclopedias back in my day. We had a whole set! Bunch of nerds in my family, obvs. It’s a wonder I’m not smarter actually.

4. Never open a spaceman‘s helmet on an uncharted planet!
Oh poor Buzz Lightyear. He is such a complex character, and I find myself relating to him now as a-practically-26-year-old more than I did back in 1995. You know what I mean? He believes he is one thing, he is actually something entirely different and when he discovers he really is “just a toy” (even though he isn’t because we are all more than what life makes us out to be blah blah blah) he goes into a deep depression.

Heartbreaker, you got the best of me!

Oh anyway, this has nothing to do with the actual lesson except that Buzz taught me a few things about astronauts, even if he isn’t really one. So if I’m ever in space, I will certainly not open a helmet on an uncharted planet.

5. Shiny does not always mean better. 
Old things can be valuable too! In fact, old things can be even more valuable. Haven’t you ever seen The Antique Roadshow? I haven’t, but I think that is the basic idea of the show. And isn’t the plot of Toy Story 2 something about Woody being worth a bunch of money because he is the missing toy in that one weirdo’s collection?

Anyway, as a person who really only likes old things (besides my iPhone), I am Team Woody. I mean, I like Buzz too, but only after he’s been worn down a bit.

I also prefer old pennies to new ones (I like the years 1987, 1997, and anything before 1960), goodwill clothing to new stuff, and used book stores. Buying old books is my joy.

But if my book is ever published, please buy it new and don’t wait to find it in an antique shop, kthanks.

6. If you believe you are, you are.
So I started to blabber on about this lesson up above before I started to discuss Buzz’s depressing tea party, but I stopped myself because hello spoiler alert! I almost ruined the EINTKILF for you!

I really love that Woody has to convince Buzz that he is more than “just a toy” since he initially was the driving force in trying to get Buzz to realize he is not a spaceman. But then Woody learns the error of his ways and decides (I’m assuming, I’m not a cowboy toy mind reader) that whatever someone believes they are, they are. 

You can apply this lesson to anything, so I believe I’m the President of the United States, therefore I am.

This is also relevant to the whole “flying” versus “falling with style” thing.

7. Odd couples are adorable.
Woody and Buzz? Cutest friends. 

And Buzz and Jessie? (I know this isn’t this movie, but let me have it!) SO CUTE. I always loved how they didn’t make Jessie and Woody get together just because they are both cow-people. #interracialrelationships

8. The things you love will always find their way back to you.
I should really just post that wonderful picture of Woody’s shoe with Andy’s name written on the bottom of it because it is my favorite part of anything ever. Andy loves his toys so much and he can’t let go of them, and even when they escape him, they return. Like Homeward Bound, except animals actually do come home to people on their own accord and Woody is a toy, but regardless the concept is reminiscent.

I want to hear your stuffed animal/toy stories, you guys. Sitting on my dresser are Crying Minnie and Crying Mickey and now the whole world is going to know that I am basically a kid in a grown woman’s body, but there is nothing in the world that means as much to me as Crying Minnie. Really, she’s just a baby Minnie Mouse that I got on my second birthday (which means she turns 24 years old next month)! I called her Crying Minnie because I left her in a movie theater once and made my parents turn around and go back for her because I said she was “probably crying.” We’ve had some rough times, Crying Minnie and I. My late puppy chewed her to pieces, and it was the worst day of my life until he was hit by a car and then everything was put into perspective, and I still love her anyway. Her buddy Crying Mickey is almost as important to me, but really I keep him around because I think she would be sad without him. I sleep with them now only when I am sad, but they sit watching over me at all times. I would never, ever give her up, and if I did, I bet she would find her way back to me.

Sob. Also, I used to tell my mom I wanted to be buried with her. My mom probably thinks I am such a creepshow. 

9. Loyalty.
Woody is definitely the most loyal character in any Disney movie ever. ARGUE ME, GO AHEAD. I mean, he would do anything for Andy! He defends him, he loves him, he accepts other toys for him. He is the best toy in the world. 

I have probably said it before, and I will most definitely say it again: loyalty is the most important thing in the world. I am super loyal. Just call me Woody from here on out.

…hey guys. Did I used to go by Sheriff Woody as an alias on the middle school newspaper? Tell me I’m making that up, please just lie to me.

10. Other things: I love the sound of John Ratzenberger’s voice, thank you Pixar for this movie, “You’ve Got a Friend in Me” is potentially the greatest song ever written, how sexual is Bo Peep? Best line:

Sergeant: It’s… it’s bedsheets!
Mr. Potato Head: Who invited that kid?

And,of course, happy birthday Tom Hanks

Featured image via mydailyboost, Mr. Potato Head GIF via pistachi-o, Buzz tea party image via nerdlikeyou, Woody and Buzz image via pixarmoviestumblr, Andy boot image via ourvintagehomelove.

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