Everything I Need to Know, I Learned From Kelly Kapoor
It is so sad when things come to an end, but like they say, all good things do. The Office‘s series finale will air on May 16th, and I think it is high time we start talking about what we learned from the radical characters that the show is built around. I have not been an avid watcher of The Office for a couple of years, but I am admittedly flaky when it comes to my series follow-throughs. It is no offense to the show, I just…don’t own a television, and I am super lazy about catching up on past episodes, and I get sad when even fake couples marry off and lose their sexual tension, which translates to my real life, but I am not here to talk about my issues, I am here to talk about my favorite character from The Office.
EINTKILF Kelly Kapoor
1. To say exactly what you’re thinking is a mind game.
Kelly: Darryl Philbin is the most complicated man that I’ve ever met. I mean, who says exactly what they’re thinking? What kind of game is that?
…to be real, though, I kind of agree. It’s like–what’s your problem, buddy? You didn’t have an emotional event occur in your life that forces you to suppress all of your feelings from the woman trying to love you? You actually want to talk about stuff? I feel very uncomfortable even picturing this scenario in my own life. If I can’t eventually (emotionally) beat the tears out of ’em, I don’t even want his phone number.
2. Try not to be crazy all of the time.
Kelly: Well, I just need to know where this is going.
Darryl: Hey, I like you. All right? What’s not to like? But you need to access your un-crazy side; otherwise, maybe this thing has run its course.
This is the most heartbreaking thing I have ever heard ever. How does one access their un-crazy side? Can anyone help me with this? I usually just bank on dudes finding my insanity endearing, which tends to have a six month expiration date.
3. How Netflix works.
Kelly: So then the next movie moves to the top of the queue. So number five becomes number four, number six becomes number five, number three becomes number two, etcetera, etcetera. And let’s just say that I just sent back Love Actually, which was awesome. And they sent me Uptown Girls, which is also awesome. But guess what, now I want to see Love Actually again, but it’s at the bottom of the queue. Oh, no, what do I do? What I do is this. I go online, I go click, click, click, and I change the order of the queue so that I can see Love Actually as soon as I want to. It’s so easy, Ryan. Do you really not know how Netflix works?
Yup. Also, Uptown Girls and Love Actually? Both truly awesome.
4. The difference between “trash talking” and “smack.”
Kelly: I don’t talk trash; I talk smack. They’re totally different. Trash talk is all hypothetical, like, “Your mama’s so fat, she could eat the Internet.” But smack talk is happening, like, right now. Like, “You’re ugly and I know it for a fact ’cause I got the evidence right there.”
When this episode first premiered, I kind of freaked out because I had recently had a conversation extremely similar, except I was explaining the difference between talking “smack” and talking “s***.” I mean, it’s basically the same explanation, the latter just sounds way cooler.
For the record, I trash talk.
5. It’s okay to tune yourself out.
When I was a kid, I had a super crush on this dude named Dan (I have a like…super weird Dan connection), and I thought I was suave and awesome for being eleven years old, but he probably hated my guts because he was old, like seventeen. One time, he told me that every time I talk, he hears the song “Kumbaya.” My family thought it was hilarious.
I have heard variations of that statement throughout the entirety of my life. Apparently, no one can hear me but me, but maybe I am actually unaware of how obnoxious I really am. JESS, CAN YOU HEAR ME? I’M RIGHT HERE.
It is a bit muffled, I guess. I always assumed it was the loud rap music, but maybe I just long ago tuned myself out.
6. Sports terminology.
Jan: Right. “Par for the course” is a golf term. It means “right on track.” “Below par” means “worse.” Wait. That should mean better. That doesn’t make sense.
Kelly: What about “second base”? Like, if Michael said he got to second base with you, does that mean you, like, closed a deal?
Jan: Excuse me?
Kelly: I mean, that’s a baseball term, right?
Jan: I don’t know what Michael was talking about. I don’t know.
I do know about bases in dating, and I also know that I think the bases have changed since our parents invented the terminology, but that is probably not the appropriate conversation to be having right now, and really, my boyfriend may have just been trying to get a touchdown, or whatever they do in baseball. Anyway, I know nothing about sports, ya’ll, and in fact, I never even remember to say “athlete,” I always call them “sports guys.” I mean, I don’t even know Olympics stuff. I thought Ryan Lochte was just a friend of Prince Harry’s, and maybe I have told that story before, but I’m just trying to let you know that I think sports are boring, thanks.
But I think dating gossip is the BEST, so Kelly and I have that in common, obvs.
7. Don’t be afraid to make them choose you.
Kelly: Ultimatums are key. Basically nobody does anything for me anymore unless I threaten to kill myself.
I used to be queen of being like, “I would never tell him it’s either me or _____,” but I long ago forbid those words from my personal lexicon. (My Jessicon? Jexicon?) Because hello? It totally should be me or! It should be me or your job with your stupid boss! It should be me or the girl with the bad fringe and loud friends. It absolutely should be me or your pretty and exotic Swedish girlfriend.
OKAY TOO MUCH REAL LIFE.
8. Smoking is so unfair.
Kelly: Why is it okay for smokers to take breaks all the time? If I want to go outside and hang out once an hour, then I’ll just take up smoking. I’ll do it, I don’t care.
Can we get an answer to this, though? And can I also get an answer to my lifelong question about smoking in the rain? How does that happen? Shouldn’t the cigarette be extinguished? And does it really keep you warm?
9. Be yourself.
In all seriousness, though, I really love that Kelly totally owns her personality and just works it. She is absolutely batty, totally obsessive, pretty darn ditzy, quite self-involved, and really, really, really adorable. And that is okay, because diversity makes the world go round. Hey, we are not all Pams, okay? The Kellys of the world need some love, too, and having self-confidence is the first step toward being loved by everyone else.
Though we all know everyone loves Kelly, let’s be real.
10. Love shamelessly.
My favorite relationship on The Office is surprisingly not Jim and Pam, or Dwight and Angela, or Dwight and Pam’s platonic, but precious friendship.
My favorite relationship is the totally dysfunctional, back-and-forthness that is Ryan Howard and Kelly Kapoor. Sure, Kelly is literally crazy in love with Ryan–and who can blame her? Novak is a damn fox–and Ryan is a super jerk to her, but I see the love there.
Kelly has a quality of putting herself out there, and getting what she wants: which is usually a man. Her man. I admire that. Do what you gotta do to get what you want, ladies. Nothing wrong with a little screwball behavior in your love life.
Thank you Kelly, for the laughs and the lessons!