jessica tholmer
August 05, 2013 7:00 am

Today is August 5th, which means we are well into Leo season, and since you guys probably know I am a Leo (and if you don’t, you NEVER pay attention to me), you must assume it is my birthday pretty soon. Well, it is, and I am excited to turn 26, and I thought I would just go ahead and write about all of my favorite characters throughout the month of August. So, I’ma do something I have shockingly not done thus far and write about a character from Seinfeld.

I have always loved George Costanza the most. Though I think I might be slightly more Elaine Benes than George, I am mortifyingly similar to the man himself. What better way to celebrate my birthday month than talk about characters that remind me of myself? Leos are self-involved, deal with it.

EINTKILF George Costanza

1. What matters in life. 

George: I think I’ve reached the point in my life where I can tell the difference between nougat and cookie.

You know what I always go on and on about? Bran versus chocolate. And I wish I could be like George and be like, “I finally know the difference,” but I totally don’t. I mean, I know the difference by taste obviously because I’m a human being, but I don’t really know the difference by sight and nougat used to make me as mad as bran does because I would always think nougat was like…marshmallow creme when I was a kid, and I wanted marshmallow creme always. But enough rambling (yeah right, the rest of this will be exactly like this lesson).

2. Being optimistic is important.

George: My whole life has been a complete waste of time. And there’s so much more to go.

…yep.

3. It’s good to be passionate about something.

George: Food and sex. Those are my two passions.

I am quite passionate about a lot of things…though to be totally honest, I am not like George in this regard because I can go a really long time without thinking about food, and honestly I am not that crazy about it in general, and…well, I don’t know, I guess I’m just more passionate about wine and makeup, or wine and just wine.

And Titanic.

4. Be honest.

Gary: The truth is, I’m living a lie.
George: Just one? I’m living like 20.

To be real, I think everyone is probably living a lie or two, right? I don’t really condone lying about twenty (or more) things because that just seems really hard to keep track of, but I don’t know. I kind of think it is okay to go on about a few things that may or may not be true. Like how I tell people I have a minor when I don’t. I mean, come on! I took almost all of the classes!

I think I’m living like three lies, maybe. At most.

5. Quitters are people too. 

George: I’m a great quitter. It’s one of the few things I do well. I come from a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter. I was raised to give up!

My aunt gets mad when I say “Tholmers are quitters,” but I am always just kidding. My family comes from a long line of not quitting anything, but also, I am realllllly lazy so I quit all the time. I mean, I have almost stopped writing this piece like five times and it has only been a half hour. The only thing I can finish is a glass of wine (please see above: passions).

6. Having irrational fears is normal.

George: I can’t carry a pen, I’m afraid it will puncture my scrotum.

So when I was a freshman in college, I always held my tray really strangely in the dining hall, and one day my friends asked me why I held it the way I did and I very casually, as if it were normal, explained that I never wanted to trip, fall onto my tray, and have the glass plate and/or cup puncture my chest and/or my face. And I meant it, and I never even thought it was weird until my friend was like, “whaaaaaat is wrong with you?” Very few people know that I have a fear of ruining my face, but when my bffffff and I were hiking, or running or something, I told him that I couldn’t run up and down the rocky steps area for the same reason, and then because I CAN’T JUST LEAVE THINGS UNEXPLAINED, I told him about the dining hall, and also how I think it all started when I tripped on rocks while fishing as a child and bruised my chin so bad that I had a Jay Leno thing forlikever, maybe still.

ALL IN ALL, I GET IT, GEORGE. FREAK ACCIDENTS ARE A THING.

7. Don’t mess with soup nazis.
I just feel like this one is obvious, but also have I ever even ordered soup at a place before? I probably won’t ever.

8. Save yourself!

I mean, seriously. Gotta look out for number one.

9. It’s okay to be cheap.
I don’t know, I think if someone offered me fifty bucks to take a bite of someone else’s egg roll, I would totally not only do it, but probably do it for less than they offered. And actually, considering how hungry they were after all that waiting, I might have taken a bite of someone else’s food before money was even offered to me. Like George says to Elaine, “For fifty bucks I’d put my face in their soup and blow.”

10. Divorce is alright.

George: Divorce is always hard. Especially on the kids. ‘Course I am the result of my parents having stayed together so ya never know.

To be real, I came from divorced (well, separated for twenty-five years, so pretty much samesies) parents and I actually think I am far more functional than most people my age, so…counting it.

George has a way more hilarious relationship with his parents than I do, though. Neither of my parents have accents or yell when they are talking, or make up holidays, but I appreciate them. They made quite a good looking almost 26 year old!

Featured image via sassyjane, Titanic image via blacknbougie, George’s parents image via sodahead

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