jessica tholmer
July 15, 2013 4:00 pm

As I announced last week, and boy does it make me feel powerful to make up a national month for something, it is Tom Hanks Month! Which means I am writing all of my EINTKILFs about Tom Hanks, in case that was unclear. Let’s go ahead and talk about Cast Away, which, for the record, Tom was nominated for. There was some confusion because I was like “yeah he was,” and then my best friend Cody was like, “nah, I just looked it up and he wasn’t,” and then I tweeted at The Academy because duh, and then this happened:

And I’m like “WHY WASN’T HE NOMINATED FOR SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE?” But I didn’t want @TheAcademy to hate me so I just like…let it go. Also, if @TheAcademy is reading this, can I work for you? Like, I’ll mop Academy floors and work my way up old school if that’s what it takes.

I’m an awful mopper. I can clean windows though.

EINTKILF Cast Away

1. Being a translator would be super hard.
That is a direct quote from my roommate, who was sitting next to me while watching this movie. But for real, I do love that adorable translator who manages to endearingly talk smack about Chuck while he is VERY SERIOUSLY lecturing the FedEx crew on time management. He seems like a great boss.

Chuck: First thing it’s two minutes, then four, then six, then the next thing you know, we’re the U.S. mail.

BURN USPS.

2. Tom Hanks is the king of the world.
Which reminds me that Tom Hanks really is the best. Did you know he was recently voted the most trusted man in our country? His voice is so soothing, and I think I have loved all of his characters ever. Chuck, in his adorable Christmas sweaters and overly attentive obsession with time is no exception. 

3. Chuck and Kelly’s relationship sucks.
Okay but anyway even though I love Chuck and everything, I think it really sucks that he has to leave her so often, especially during the holidays.

And I get that work is important, but so is your girlfriend. And I get that she is really understanding, but my heart breaks all the time when he has to leave her on Christmas. And maybe I will just be a really needy girlfriend one day, but I’d be super bummed. 

4. Car proposals = surprisingly cute.
Because the dish towels were a joke, by the way.

I know most women would probably hate being handed a ring in a box without the proposal being properly executed, but I think it is pretty darn romantic. Plus, it gives Kelly time to think about if she wants to say yes or not, and obviously all of it ended up being irrelevant, but still. I am all about surprise proposals (I think?) and she seems pretty darn surprised.

5. I definitely don’t know the emergency procedures on an airplane. 
And I still don’t. And I am looking at my notes from last night during the movie and I had written “I don’t think I know the emergency procedures on a plane,” and it made me laugh because last-night-Jess was giving wayyyy too much credit to herself. I don’t know anything. Mostly I think about the scene in Hook where Jack makes the things come down and it scares Peter Banning and Jack laughs about it and then gets in trouble, and I always thought they were orange peels, which makes no sense, but I basically still don’t know what they are.

Anyway, I am impressed at the speediness of both Chuck and the other guy (may he RIP) at their quickness. I would need a few minutes to be like, “what’s happening?” and then another few minutes of like…”where do they keep the weird orange peels on this plane?” and then I would be dead already, so never ask me for anything in life.

6. Stuff about coconuts. 
Two things I have always wanted to do in life: milk a cow, and eat a coconut off a tree.

I can’t explain the desire behind either of those things, but I am almost 26 years old, and I think I should just get to it on both accounts. Watching Chuck crack open a coconut like a boss is the best. I have only ever had shredded coconut from a plastic bag, so I have barely even lived my life.

And then also “Coconut milk is a natural laxative. That’s something Gilligan never told us.”

Chuck also uses empty coconuts to drink water out of, so that’s pretty cool too.

7. Volleyballs can break your heart.
Do you really need me to say anything more about this? 

8. How to start a fire.
Probably the most satisfying moment in the entire movie, am I right? It makes me feel guilty that I have a hard time getting Bic lighters to work most of the time.

Chuck: I HAVE MADE FIRE!

You go Glen Coco.

9. Don’t marry Big. 
That goes for you Kelly and you Carrie Bradshaw.

I hate the scene where Big (I won’t call him his movie name) meets Chuck to tell him that it is too hard for Kelly. I hate it because Chuck’s face is so sad and slightly confused like when a dog cocks his head to the side, and I hate it because the camera pans to Chuck sorta consoling Kelly outside while she’s bawling, but also sorta trying to get her into their car instead of letting her go see Chuck. I mean, I get it. The situation is weird, but also like…let her do what she wants. I would definitely want to see the love of my life that I thought was dead, even if it was super hard. She’s a tough gal, I’m sure. And how do you think Chuck feels? She was literally the only thing keeping him alive (I mean, besides Wilson. RIP BUDDY.) and I think he deserves to see her in that moment. Which leads me to my next lesson:

10. Never move on from anything ever.
So while I was watching this movie, I texted my…person I don’t even really have a word for and told him if I thought he had not died in a plane crash, I would stick to my guns. I know it is a tricky thing, but how sad is that Kelly knew he was alive, but everyone told her to move on? How sad is that? I would be so depressed, and I would probably just hate myself for moving on to Big, or really anyone else. I know she “had to,” but it makes me cry when she tells Chuck that he is the love of her life. Not was, but is. I don’t know, you guys. I just don’t get over love stuff very easily, especially if it is an unfinished business situation. It took me like a thousand years to get over my last relationship and that guy was a big fat jerk anyway. Like, I can’t imagine if I had been in a relationship with a great guy who then kind of died, but found his way back to me. I mean, he kept her watch on Kelly time, even on the island! I would totally leave my husband if the love of my life came back, and if that makes me a bad person, so be it.

Bawww, heartbreaking. Heart. Breaking. It’s almost as bad as Wilson floating away. Kelly almost literally floats away from poor Chuck too. So much rain. Where do they live? Seattle? Helen Hunt, you can’t do anything right.

Oh and my awesome friend Jacob sometimes watches movies the same week I am watching the same movie (because he’s the greatest) and he brought up some really great lessons that are useful instead of relationship critique like I just did, so:

“Always pack ice skates in your carry on; attach a rope to your volleyball friend and boat.” Jacob

Hey also! FedEx, what the heck is in the box? We really need to know. I’m not good at “interpret it yourself.”

Featured image via lolibrary, coconut image via srfoster1994, Wilson image via metacafe, fire image via rottentomatoes, Chuck and Kelly kiss image via movieoftheday.tumblr

You May Like