Everything I (Didn't) Need to Know, I Learned From Exes
Happy April. Did you know it’s April Fools Day today? Did you tie your little brother’s shoelaces together? Put a thumbtack on your teacher’s chair? Tell your mom you’re pregnant? (That is what I wanted to do last year, but thought against the homicide charge she would likely face.)
As you can tell, I am pretty awful at pranks, or even jokes. I am really honestly just myself, and a lot of people think I am funny, which should actually make me feel bad about myself, but I am just rollin’ with it. I owe it all to Life, the big universe keeps dishing me out hilarious situations, like the other day when I…should not share that story. APRIL FOOL’S, YOU WILL NEVER KNOW MY PERSONAL LIFE.
So anyway, I wanted to do something funn(ier) for EINTKILF this week, so my brilliant best friend was like, “how about what you don’t know?” and I was like, “sure, like everything?” No but seriously, it was a good idea, and then I spent some time with another funny lady thinking of some great ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends, because who learned anything from those people? That is right. Exes are the dumbest!
(Full disclosure: I did not date anybody on this list.)
1. Hitting your girlfriend is okay. So is using the word pansy, and making people play stupid dangerous games in tractors.
Chuck from Footloose
Everything is wrong with Chuck, like everything. In all versions of Footloose except this one I saw last weekend, but it was put on at my local children’s theater, so obviously Chuck was just kinda mean, not an emotionally and verbally abusive jerk. Ariel is a spicy young lady, and as she is starting to fall for Ren (BECAUSE DUH, K.BAKE IN THE HOUSE), he brutally beats her up. Ugh. He even says, “is this what I get, huh? I treated you decent!”
Hey ladies and gentlemen: never, ever, ever settle for “decent.” That’s like the worst word in the history of words.
2. Don’t call off your wedding under any circumstances, apparently. (Emily Waltham from Friends)
Yeah, sure, I am being super biased and unfair by listing Emily as the “bad ex” in this situation, but no joke, why in the world did she marry Ross after he said another woman’s name at her wedding?! I mean, and it’s not like he said something even close to “Emily,” he said the name of the love of his life, so…I just feel like she made a bad move. They both made bad moves by getting married when they barely knew each other (yeah, yeah, yeah, romantics, I’m sure it works out sometimes), but all in all, I think Emily was just mean. And then she rakes Ross over the coals for weeks? days? months? I don’t know sitcom time, but when she tries to keep him away from Rachel? So awful.
YEAH, I DEFEND RACHEL. SHE IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL. We are the same person.
3. Threaten dudes that hang out with your girlfriend, even if you guys are twelve years old. (That jerk in Jumanji on the bike, whose name is apparently “Billy Jessup the Bully“)
Billy and his bully friends beat up Alan, who is a timid young man with a sensitive soul–until he turns into Robin Williams and spends most of his life trapped in a jungle. Where is Billy now, huh?! Alan will take you DOWN and steal your hot girlfriend.
Really though, I don’t think it is all that necessary to beat up or even threaten to beat up guys that are friends with your girlfriend. Have a little security in your relationship, everyone.
Or listen to Biz and never trust a girl who says she has just a friend.
…even when you are twelve years old. Start working on these issues early on, and thank me later!
4. Be as crazy jealous as you want! (Tinkerbell [except when played by Julia, because she is my all] from all Peter Pans)
Alright, so I know that Tinkerbell cannot really be called Peter’s “ex,” but obviously they have kind of a weird relationship, and I have a few dudes in my life that I refer to as “exes” when they were never technically my “boyfriend,” but we still pretty much acted like we were “together,” and my heart got broken in just the same way, so “bite me.” I love quotation marks! Anyway, Tink is a crazy little fairy, and I mean, she tries to off Wendy hella times, so. She is a whack job. Probably a Leo like me, cause let’s be real: I am not far from trying to off some chick trying to get up on my man.
Do you like how I just became an early 2000s R&B/hip-hop song, right there?
But, but, but! Julia Roberts’ Tinkerbell interpretation is the only nice one. When she confesses her love to Peter Banning? God, kill me, it’s like the cutest thing ever. And she doesn’t totally hate Moira, so that’s good too.
“This is the only wish I ever wished for myself. Peter, this is the biggest feeling I’ve ever felt. This is the biggest feeling I’ve ever had and this is the first time I’ve been big enough to have it. Peter… I want to give you a kiss.”
5. Sleeping with your ex is a great idea. (Jake from It’s Complicated)
I know we all love Alec Baldwin, and I can admit that I do love this movie, but I am very much a fan of Steve Martin’s character, and not Baldwin’s. Like, at all. Jake is such a jerk to everyone in the world. He cheats on his new wife with his old wife, and he is just grimy, in general. He gets in the way of sweet Adam (Martin) and he makes Jane feel bad about herself, and he is really, really pushy, and he only apologizes when he knows it will get him something.
SOUNDS LIKE EVERY MAN I KNOW.
Watch this movie, take notes, and be the total opposite person that Jake is. Maybe…that all Jakes are. Not Jake Gyllenhaal. He’s good.
6. Fight dirty. (Waldo from The Little Rascals movie)
Man, Waldo ruins everything when he moves into town with Daddy Moneybags and tries to steal cute little Darla from even cuter little Alfalfa. Because of the awesome “He-Man Woman Hater’s Club,” Darla starts to think that Alfalfa is ashamed of her, so she lets Waldo woo her with his honey voice, big glasses, and slick dance moves. Even though he has the moves and the dolla dolla bills, ya’ll, sabotage just ain’t right.
And in general, watch out for singers. They know what they are doing!
7. Be possessive! B-E possessive! (Lavender Brown from Harry Potter)
So in Miss Brown’s defense, it kinda sucks that everyone is rooting against her from the beginning because Hermione Granger is the perfect woman, and her love for Ron is so clearly true. But even if Hermione weren’t around, Lavender is insane. I am all for girls going after what they want, but I am not all for nicknames like “Won-Won.” And I am not for girls who call poisoned young men “interesting.”
Lavender: I happen to be his girlfriend!
Hermione: Well, I happen to be his…friend.
Lavender: Friend? Don’t make me laugh! You haven’t spoken in weeks. I guess you want to make up with him now that he’s suddenly all interesting!
Hermione: He’s been poisoned, you daft dimbo! And as a matter of fact, I’ve always found him interesting.
God, I love Hermione. Get it, girl.
8. Break young girls’ hearts.
All dudes in Taylor Swift songs
But really, if you don’t want to be talked about in the public eye, how about don’t date a famous singer? (Or any writer, ahem.) Or, even better–if you would prefer to not be put on blast, how about you just try not to be the worst?
Some of my favorite lines:
“And I lived in your chess game, but you changed the rules every day.”
Obviously a chess player. Don’t date them either!
“You called me up again just to break me like a promise, so casually cruel in the name of being honest.”
Don’t date guys who still call people on the phone! Psychotic.
“And I can see you years from now in a bar, talking over a football game with that same big loud opinion, but nobody’s listening.”
Annnnnnnnnnnd don’t date guys that watch football. End scene.
9. Be aloof, always.
Big from Sex and the City
Sure, Big can almost not even be counted as an ex because the show ends with Carrie and Big together, but still–they were on and off again enough that he may have been her “ex” more than her legit partner. Big’s biggest issue, IMHO, was always the fact that he was so weirdly aloof all of the time! I mean, she doesn’t even know his name! Or does she know his name, she just doesn’t tell us? I forget. But anyway, she like…doesn’t know how old he is for a long time, which is weird too. I am/always will be #teamaidan but IRL I chase Bigs all day, son. I hate aloofness, though. I don’t even like that word, and now I have used it like a million times so I am just super annoyed.
Also, Aidan is just way hotter.
JESS CARRIE, GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME.
10. Cut her meat for her, too. (Cal Hockley from Titanic)
Bossing your lady around will put you straight up on the fast track to her falling in love with a peasant, at least that is one of the many things I learned from Titanic. Cal is the most controlling, disrespectful, greasy-haired weasel ever, and poor Rose is trapped in a “commitment” with him because her mom wants their family to have money again. Her dad left the family (and who could blame him? Ruth is awful!), so it is up to Rose to marry rich and support her mother’s habits of overdressing, gossiping, drinking tea, mean mugging, and riding on really expensive cruise ships.
Do you think Rose’s mom and Cal were sleeping together? That is another bad ex move–do not sleep with your fiancee’s mom.
Obvi, we all know the story here, and Rose leaves Cal for Jack, even though he dies like a half a day later, but she still left Cal, found some other dude, and married Jack in a creepy Titanic heaven 84 years later. BOO-YAH. Who said nice guys don’t finish last?
Peace and love and make good choices!