There are some things in life that we have all come to expect. You know, those cemented truths that no amount of dissent, knowledge, logic or time can alter. Like the fact that grapes are always included in a fruit salad. Ugh. Or the fact that we still sometimes purchase cottage cheese despite our access to all kinds of wonderful, legitimate cheeses. Or the fact that a few million of us will always watch The Bachelor, regardless of how predictable, outdated, and problematic it is.
The series, which kicks off a new season tonight (we’ve got farmer Bachelor, Chris Soules, this time around), will undoubtedly provide a collection of moments we totally swear we’ve already seen before. But still, we will watch — all 7 million hours of it, from first rose ceremonies, to hometown dates, to women telling all they’re allowed to. In anticipation of this season, why don’t we prepare ourselves for what’s to come by reflecting on those deliciously predictable moments that happen season after season after season — from the good, to the bad, to the say whaaaaa?
Chris Harrison will do this with his hands. Several times.
Look, it’s polite, it’s classy, it’s newsy. It kind of forms a heart. Keep it up, dude.
Someone will make a very strong first impression.
I don’t know what contestants are told when they’re in that limo, but I believe it’s something along the lines of: “If you can do a backflip or wear a prosthetic grandma mask, we encourage you to do so.”
Someone will bring along weird prop.
Never a good idea.
There will be cultural appropriation in the form of a romantic challenge.
This actually has to stop.
People will be forced to face their totally reasonable fear of falling off a skyscraper.
It’s just what you do, when you kind of like a guy you just met.
There will be lots of exotic outdoor lawn arrangements.
“Did someone order a bird’s face carved out of a tree?” “Yeah, just put that behind the giant ornamental tusk and the pile of rocks.”
Let’s just call them group dates, yes?
Gratuitous shots of the Bachelor showering or getting dressed . . .
. . . while his voiceover reflects on his desire to find true love.
The latest from Pier 1 Imports’ home design collection.
Someone who clearly doesn’t have a job at the moment.
Animals being force-fed.
Women competing with each other in weird challenges while wearing matching outfits.
Women competing with each other in weird challenges wearing skimpy matching outfits.
While the Bachelor wears sweats.
That moment when a contestant’s family member pointedly asks the Bachelor wtf is going on.
The one-on-one plus one date with a not-so-famous country singer.
“This guy has a contract with our parent company so he’s going to serenade us while we make-out, K? Oh, also, act like I planned this whole thing.”
Anything that involves a cowboy hat.
The woman who’s “not there for the right reasons” mostly because she made this face once.
Awkward photo shoots . . . for charity?
A glaring diversity problem.
Seriously, this is not and never will be acceptable. Sigh, Season 19, please be better.
Marital decisions based on framed photographs.
Neil Lane and his box of jewelry.
Water-based make-out sessions.
That nice letter involving the word “FOREGO” in which Chris Harrison invites a contestant to sleep with the Bachelor.
Someone who understandably can’t handle this sh*t.
Some dude who has to pretend he’s not there.
Participation in some kind of play.
Sometimes it’s a Broadway show. Sometimes it’s a local elementary school production. You know, budgets and such.
Someone getting in trouble for not exclusively dating a guy who’s dating 15 other women.
“The most shocking rose ceremony in Bachelor history.”
Promised every season, folks.
The return of the three successful Bachelor couples to offer wisdom to the next generation.
Someone being rejected at the conclusion of a speech that really seems like it’s going to end well.
“You’re wonderful, you’re perfect, you’re everything I’ve ever wanted, but . . .” So not cool.
A couple who has to explain why their weird televised engagement has lasted more than three months and they’re still NOT MARRIED!
It’s OK, guys, we get it. Take all the time you need.
BONUS: Something that SHOULD happen every season but doesn’t? CH in a turtleneck sweater. Man can pull it off.
All images via ABC.