jessica tholmer
October 26, 2015 11:22 am

Because Bill Murray is in this movie and Bill Murray is my king and I guess I love other people in this movie but mostly I love Bill Murray. Also I had never previously seen this movie and it seemed like a perfect Halloween movie to watch. I’m sorry, Hocus Pocus. I’ll write about you one day.

EINTKILF Zombieland

1. How to survive Zombieland:

I didn’t make these rules up. I just, as a life rule, always do what Jesse Eisenberg says. I also left some of them out because clearly I believe in lessons, but I do not want to condone some of these lessons if we are not in a  zombie apocalypse. 

2. Nobody likes Sno Balls.
So Tallahassee (played by my boyfriend Woody Harrelson) and Columbus have just met up and they discover a Hostess delivery truck, abandoned on the side of the road. Tallahassee is in the mood for a Twinkie (and who isn’t?) and they discover that the ENTIRE TRUCK is FULL of Sno Balls–the WORST Hostess snack ever, IMHO. I feel like, even in a zombie apocalypse, no one should eat those.

3. Twinkies have an expiration date.
I mean, I don’t know why Twinkies have such a reputation for lasting forever, but they do! And also they don’t last forever. Also I don’t even like Twinkies but one time, my best guy friend and I put one in the freezer because it represented our friendship for some reason. Also, it was a chocolate Twinkie. Does that make a difference? It is still a sweet gesture I think.

4. Never trust anyone.
Sisters Wichita (Emma Stone) and Little Rock (Abigail Breslin) totally play Tallahassee and Columbus, pretending that Little Rock has been bitten and is about to turn into a zombie. When Wichita takes Tallahassee’s gun in order to “kill” her little sister, they steal the boys’ car and weapons. What I love is Wichita’s line, “Hey, better for us to not trust you than for you to not trust us,” which is just a metaphor for life probably.

5. Enjoy the little things.
This is one of the lessons that Columbus spits out throughout the movie but it comes at a time that is really touching. I think no matter what the state of your life is, making sure you enjoy the little things is always important. The little things rule. Here are a few of my favorite little things: 4:00, red wine, rain during summer, a sweet text message.

6. It’s tough growing up.
After Columbus laments that it is hard to grow up during a zombie apocalypse, Wichita quips, “It’s tough growing up.”

WHICH IS TRUE. Okay, I don’t know what a zombie apocalypse is actually like, but it is tough growing up regardless. Has anyone ever grown up flawlessly? NO. Growing up with a bunch of zombies and fighting for life sounds hard, but also just like, life is hard and everyone should be aware of that.

7. Ghostbusters is the most important movie ever?
Everything ties in crazy well, including THE TWINKIES. When the team gets to Bill Murray‘s house, Columbus immediately takes Little Rock to his private theater room to show her Ghostbusters. While “there’s something strange, in the neighborhood” plays, Tallahassee and Wichita are actually recreating scenes from the movie, the other two are watching the film IN BILL’S HOME ON HIS BIG SCREEN. Everything is perfect in these moments because Ghostbusters mean everything to me.

8. Literally everything makes me cry.
Because when Tallahassee starts talking about his son and we realize it was never his dog that he missed, I cried. And then they make it funny and he says, “I haven’t cried like that since Titanic,” they had me sobbing. Okay, silently sobbing, but sobbing nonetheless.

9. You can always make up for 8th grade.
Because obviously Wichita and Columbus were going to have a thing but obviously I didn’t know that that thing would be so adorable and even make me tear up (SEE ABOVE). When Columbus tells Wichita that his relationships in 8th grade during a Sadie Hawkins dance left a little less than he desired, she stands up and lets him know that she is going to make up for all that he wished for back then. They do a whole 8th grade awkward slow dance and all is well–you know, until the zombies get in the way and stuff.

10. Some rules are meant to be broken.
Rules like, “Don’t be a hero,” because Columbus decides to “BE A HERO” and saves Wichita and Little Rock. Obviously Wichita and Little Rock did not need saving because they are clever and quick and wonderful, however they were literally stuck on an amusement park ride and it was kind of nice that Columbus stepped in to help them. You go Glen Coco.

Zombieland meant more to me than I thought it would and I don’t know if it is because I am emotionally invested in the actors or because I was feeling Halloween-y. Regardless, the movie is great and I hope zombies never chase me because I just wouldn’t do well.

GIFs via , and here. Featured image via here.

Advertisement