Gina Vaynshteyn
April 24, 2016 8:05 pm
HBO

The night is dark and full of spoilers —you’ve been warned!

Ten months, a thousand fan theories, and infinite tears have passed since the Season 5 finale, but the day is finally here. And so is winter, pretty much. “The Red Woman” takes place shortly after we left off. Ser Davos discovers Jon Snow’s dead (still babely) body in the snow and almost certainly does a double-take when he sees what shape his pooled blood has taken (a direwolf? A dragon?). He and Jon Snow’s faithful men place his body on a table and bring Melisandre (The Red Witch) in to see him. She’s bummed. They’re bummed. We’re bummed. No resurrection happens —YET.

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Meanwhile, Ramsay Bolton says a few sweet words about his girlfriend Myranda (who you might remember being pushed from a balcony by Reek) before he orders her body to be fed to the dogs because WHAT A SWEET GUY, AMIRIGHT. Ramsay runs into daddy-o Roose Bolton, who’s like, “Great, kid. You’ve scared off your wife who has a very powerful name because you couldn’t like, NOT torture her for a couple nights? YOU HAD ONE JOB.” But Ramsay says not to worry, his hounds are on it.

Except they’re not. Sansa and Reek escape, and yes they do run into Ramsay’s men and his hounds, but guess who shows up and saves the freaking day? BRIENNE OF TARTH, that’s who. Finally, Sansa MAY have just caught a break. And girl needed one.

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If you were wondering about how Cersei took the whole daughter-being-poisoned-to-death thing, let’s just say, not well. But also not as badly as we thought? After lover/brother Jaime comes to comfort Cersei, she tells him that it’s not his fault that Myrcella died —after all, a witch once prophesied that Cersei would have three kids and that those three kids would die. Back in the High Sparrow’s cell, Margaery is still hanging out and not confessing her sins (which would maybe be playing the Lannisters and being cool with her gay brother —not anything to be shameful about TBH).

Back in Dorne, Ellaria Sand and her daughters murder the Prince right as he finds out they poisoned Cersei’s daughters. They also murder the Prince’s son because they’re badass and also think the men who rule Dorne suck. We can respect that.

Poor Daenerys Targaryen is NOT in a good spot right now either. She’s been kidnapped by the Dothraki, who at first whip her, and joke about raping her. She’s even offered to the Khal as a sex slave until she informs him she used to be Khaleesi. Unfortunately, widows to Khal basically spend the remainder of their life locked up with other Khal widows. Jorah and Daario better hurry UP and find her.

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At this rate it seems like nobody is really having any kind of moment of victory (except you, Sansa, you go girl). Could Arya Stark’s fate be the worst of all? She’s left blind and begging for money on the street. And apparently also has to deal with getting her ass kicked with a stick by Jacquen H’ghar’s apprentice (or whoever she is), or probably by Jacquen himself. But does this mean Arya’s loss of sight will make her grow stronger than ever? IDK, guys. IDK.

Lastly and most shockingly, we learn something very bizarre about the Red Witch. You know how she’s super ~hot~ and beautiful and uses her looks to enchant and manipulate men? Well, it seems like as soon as she takes off her choker she transforms into her (what we’re guessing is) true self. An old woman who is like, 300 years old.

HBO

So, our biggest question is: Does this mean anything for Jon Snow? Snow’s loyal friends are probably going to bring back the Wildlings so they can wreak havoc, but does the Red Witch have something up her sleeve? Can she actually bring Snow back to life, or would she have done so already? If you didn’t notice, Melisandre does look at her candles (which is significant because Jon Snow MIGHT be the son of Fire and Ice —here’s all the proof) pretty thoughtfully. Orrrrr maybe that’s wishful thinking.

For now, Jon is dead. Dead, dead, dead. We’re sorry. 🙁

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