jessica tholmer
May 22, 2013 8:00 am

Dear Kevin and Danielle Jonas

Listen.

We love “fairy tale” marriage. I got down with them “saving themselves” and telling us all about their relatively short-lived marriage before, like everyone, they began to resent the televised version of their lives. Oh, okay, and there was also The Osbournes, and the Kardashians, and I guess even that couple with a million kids, and the jerk that was married to Kate with the cute haircut. The point is: we LOVE watching married couples and their lives together because we can relate to you even though you have more talent and money than us.

Well, some of us. I have a lot of talent, thanks.

But here’s the deal: if you want to stay likeable, we have to change some things.

Danielle, what’s the deal with your Cosmopolitan choices? I mean, first off, if “writing” for Cosmo is your dream job, great! But I feel like you should definitely have laid out some boundaries before you married an, I don’t know, international superstar? (Are we calling the Jonas Brothers that still? These days?) It is totally fine if you want to write for Cosmo, or even if you just want to have your picture taken alongside recipes in Cosmo, but I mean…stake your game, girl! Stand up for yourself! I feel like if I was all of a sudden all about travelling to the moon, it would be legit for my boyfriend to speak up against it.

I don’t have a boyfriend, and I accidentally typed “brother” instead of boyfriend at first, so that’s real creepy.

BUT NICK. I mean KEVIN. (I’ll lecture Nick on another day!) It is the year 2013. I know that you are a big tough man, and I think that is great! Who doesn’t love the kind of guy that can serenade you while he opens the jar of spaghetti sauce or whatever? That is what I am going for in a man, at least.

Anyway, Kevin. You have to release the stronghold on your lady at some point. The two of you have been married for a very small period of time, and there are no children to think about, and if you insist on touring with your brosephs, you have to be able to humor your wife as well. What if Danielle is the next big deal for Cosmo and you have suppressed her for your own selfish “but I want you around always because I’m a Klingon” reasons? That’s not healthy in the beginning of a relationship, or at any point. You know what else isn’t healthy? Making your wife do stuff she doesn’t want to do for your selfish benefit. Here’s the thing about being married: I am going to assume that when you choose to get married to another person, part of that decision is about security and comfort, and that entails choosing different paths at different times, but knowing that you two will still be together. Danielle is not your property, she is your partner. She should do hers, and you yours. Marriage does not mean assimilation.

And if that is not how you feel? If you are lacking that comfort and stability? Maybe don’t get married so young.

PS Remember that Nick and Jess variety show? So cute!
PPS Are you guys like twelve years old?
PPS THIS IS BRILLIANT.

Featured image via jonasworld, other image via kevinjonascentral

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