Dear Internet, Stop Saying Jay-Z and Beyoncé Are Breaking Up
Because we really can’t handle it. We can’t handle the rumors that their marriage is “purely a business arrangement” that will be dissolved once the two finish up their remaining projects together. We can’t take the gossip that Bey and Jay are planning on getting divorced Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes fast. We can’t deal with “Drunk In Love” being a work of fiction. We can’t handle the world’s most aspirational couple’s lives being nothing more than a house of lies and we certainly can NOT deal with that house being demolished by that wrecking ball that hangs out in Miley Cyrus songs sometimes. More than anything we can’t deal with what the fallout will be like for Blue Ivy, her life is going to be hard enough being the most famous child in the world tied with The Royal Baby and North West. She does NOT need daddy-and-mama-drama to add to the list of shenanigans she has to deal with.
Here’s the thing. If Jay and Bey really are going to call it quits, then they will at some point officially make a statement and we as a species will all officially stop believing in true love forever and ever.
But right now, there is nothing official about these rumors. Only the tabloidiest of tabloids (kisses and hugs, Page Six) are even deigning to treat these rumors as actual news.
We as a nation will grieve if there really is something to grieve about. But unless that day comes, stop making us think we possibly-maybe-potentially have something to grieve about, we are NOT “Crazy in Love” with all this emotional manipulation.
Also, can we please get out of Jay and Bey’s literally perfect faces? What have they done to us but be an awesomely aspirational power couple?
Bey and Jay are celebrity role-modeling at its straight-up finest and it feels really icky to be descending on them like the paparazzi version of those mutant-zombie-human-wolf-things from The Hunger Games.
Bey and Jay have only ever been cool to us, giving us great music and style and a baby name for the ages.
So if we have to deal with their break-up at some point down the line, we will deal. And by deal, I, of course, mean never stop crying. But if it’s not even going to happen, let’s just stop with the rumor-mongering. We LIKE Bey and Jay, remember? All they’ve ever done is be the best. Let’s not repay their awesomeness with gossipy jerkery.