So, I was going to dedicate my grand return to “Crush of the Week” to The Great Gatsby, because nothing turns me on like literary critiques of America’s obsession with wealth, but…Richard Madden is just too damn attractive not to talk about. Also, it’s harder to imagine making out with a paperback of The Great Gatsby and enjoying the taste of unresponsive pulp in your mouth than it is to daydream about what Richard Madden just staring at you would do to your system.
Look, I don’t care if you do or don’t watch Game of Thrones.* I’m not going to get into the nitty-gritty of the plot.** I just want to say that Richard Madden is by far and away the hottest guy on Game of Thrones.***
Before I go further, I need to make a painful admission that I don’t think Robb Stark is the hottest character in the books. The character I fantasize about most when I’m plowing through endless chapters on the history of Westeros is Jon Snow.
I mean, Jon Snow’s hot. He broods. He’s honorable. He’s tortured. He’s down with the “Lord’s Kiss.” He digs spunky redheads. Jon Snow is my bag.
Now, my preference for Richard Madden over Kit Harrington has nothing to do with Harrington’s performance. Harrington is hot. Harrington has talent. Harrington fully embodies Jon Snow on screen. He’s perfect.
Richard Madden doesn’t perfectly embody George R. R. Martin’s Robb Stark at all. He perfects it. He perfects it by being really, truly, incredibly hot.
See, in the books, Robb Stark is this kid in his early teens who gets swept up in the “Game of Thrones”, and is a brilliant tactician, but makes some immature mistakes because he’s pretty much just a freshman in high school.
On the show, Robb Stark is a hot guy of sex-able age who wears his shirt open a lot so we can see his chest.
Do you understand the difference? One of them is a 14 year old kid playing war games and the other one is someone a 20 something woman could have sex with. It’s a subtle difference, but it’s there.
And let’s talk about Richard Madden as Richard Madden….
Richard Madden has hair the color of early morning sunlight hitting autumn leaves. Richard Madden has sapphire eyes that betray a kind soul. Richard Madden looks good with or without facial hair, but since his facial hair is also the color of early morning sunlight hitting autumn leaves, I prefer him with facial hair.
That’s just his head, guys. I haven’t even started swooning about the rest of him.
He looks tall on television which means he’s probably not shorter than me. He’s in good shape. He wears open shirts well. He’s Scottish, which means when he speaks, it sounds less like English and more like a masculine purr.
Do you see how he’s getting better and better?
I would like to add that Robb Stark has a wife on the show that a lot of fans dislike because she’s very different than she is in the books. I don’t like her because she’s not me. In real life, Richard Madden has a girlfriend named Jenna-Louise Coleman. You might know her as “Clara Oswin Plot Device Oswald” on Doctor Who. I like Jenna-Louise Coleman because she and I both enjoy talking fast and buying avocados. I can’t think of a logical reason why I would bring any of this up, but it’s amusing to me and somehow makes Richard Madden hotter.
Oh, and lest I forget, Richard Madden is poised to be more than just Robb Stark. He was just cast as Prince Charming in Disney’s live action version of Cinderella. So, on top of everything else I’ve just said, the man is literally Prince Charming.
If after all this, you still don’t think Richard Madden is hot, you’re probably a Nikolaj Coster-Waldau fan. Or a Peter Dinklage fan. Or a Jason Momoa fan. Or a Kit Harrington fan. Or a Natalie Dormer fan.
All of those are great, but none of them are Richard Madden.
*That’s not true. I care deeply about whether or not we both love Game of Thrones.
**Well, I might. I haven’t finished writing this yet.
***Actually, I could make equally good cases for Kit Harrington, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Finn Jones, Sean Bean, Jason Momoa, Peter Dinkladge…okay, Donna Meagle from Parks and Recreation is right. Everyone on Game of Thrones CAN GET IT.
[Photo Credit: HBO]