Happy birthday, 'Clueless'! Here are some of Cher's most brilliant moments
Clueless is one of about seven movies that I will never tire of watching, and with today being the 20th anniversary of it’s release, it sort makes me wonder how many times I’ve actually seen it. Hmm…three to twelve times per year, multiplied by 20 years, carry the one—okay, according to my calculations, I’ve seen it a lot. Approximately, a lot.
So, in celebration of this, like, totally killer occasion, I have gathered some of Cher’s most memorable quotes that make her worthy of the endless re-watch. Because my favorite thing about this movie is that, for someone who is supposed to be “just totally clueless,” her logic and comebacks are really quite genius.
Cases in point:
Josh: “Hey, just because my mother marries someone else doesn’t mean he’s my father.”
Cher: “Actually, Kato, that’s exactly what it means.”
It is. (Or at least, his step-father.) That’s what it means. She’s right.
Mel (Cher’s dad): Where’s your report card?
Cher: It’s not ready yet.
Mel: What do you mean it’s not ready yet?
Cher: Well, some teachers are trying to lowball me, Daddy. And I know how you say, never accept a first offer. So, I figure these grades are just a jumping off point to start negotiations.
Mel: Very good.
Just one of many lessons I learned from Cher Horowitz: play to your audience.
Mr. Hall: Cher Horowitz, two tardies.
Cher: I object. Do you recall the dates of these alleged tardies?
Mr. Hall: One was last Monday.
Cher: Mr. Hall, I was surfing the crimson wave. I had to haul ass to the ladies’.
Yeah. Mr. Hall wasn’t gonna touch that one.
Mugger: Down on the ground, face down.
Cher: Oh, no. You don’t understand. This is an Alaia.
Mugger: An a-whatta?
Cher: It’s like a totally important designer.
She still ended up face down on the ground, but she fought the good fight.
Josh: In some parts of the universe—maybe not in contempo-casual, but in some parts—it’s considered cool to know what’s going on in the world.
Cher: Thank you Josh, I so need lessons from you on how to be cool. Tell me that part about Kenny G. again…
Mission Shutdown: accomplished.
Mel: Do you know what time it is?!
Cher: A watch doesn’t really go with this outfit, Daddy.
Ah, the perfect excuse for missing curfew.
Josh’s date: It’s just like Hamlet said, to thine own self, be true.
Cher: No, uh, Hamlet didn’t say that.
Josh’s date: I think that I remember Hamlet accurately.
Cher: Well, I remember Mel Gibson accurately, and he didn’t say that. That Polonius guy did.
If you’re going to be infuriatingly pretentious whilst being totally wrong, you really do deserve to get knowledge whipped by a sixteen-year-old pop culture savant.
Cher: So, okay, I don’t want to be a traitor to my generation and all, but I don’t get how guys dress today. I mean, come on, it looks like they just fell out of bed, put on some baggy pants, and take their greasy hair—EWW—and cover it up with a backwards cap, and like, we’re expected to swoon?? I don’t think so!
The only thing that could have made this better is if she would have looked directly into the camera at the end and said, “Ladies, am I right?” It’s just so very good.
Cher: Searching for a boy in high school is as useless as searching for meaning in a Pauly Shore movie.
This is seriously wise-beyond-her-years kind of stuff.
Mel: What the hell is that?
Cher: A dress
Mel: Says who?
Cher: Calvin Klein
Mel: It looks like underwear. Go upstairs and put something over it.
Cher: Duh, I was just going to.
Aaand, she comes back wearing a see-through cover. Well played, Cher—well played.
Christian: I have a question, alright? The jacket: is it James Dean or Jason Priestly?
Cher: Carpe diem, okay? You looked hot in it.
Seize the day, you guys. Especially if you look hot in it.
Cher: “So, okay. Like, right now, for example, the Haitians need to come to America. But some people are all, what about the strain on our resources? But, it’s like when I had this garden party for my father’s birthday, right?—I said RSVP because it was a sit-down dinner. But people came that, like, did not RSVP. So I was like, totally buggin’. I had to haul-ass to the kitchen, redistribute the food, squish in extra place settings. But, by the end of the day, it was like, the more the merrier. And so, if the government could just get to the kitchen, re-arrange some things, we could certainly party with the Haitians. And in conclusion, may I please remind you that it does not say RSVP on the statue of liberty.”
Cher’s version of a mic drop:
[Images courtesy Paramount Pictures]