Rachel Paige
August 01, 2016 11:41 am
Anthony Wallce/Getty Images

Are you an adult who spent all of Sunday, July 31st binge reading the 8th (and supposedly ~final~) Harry Potter book? COOL, ME TOO LET’S DIVE IN.

Obviously there are spoilers ahead.

1. Where did Scorpius get his sense of humor?

You know, because you’ve read all the Harry Potter books, Malfoy is just a BARREL OF LAUGHS. Not. But his son, Scorpius, precious, precious Scorpius, is quick and witty and has an amazing sense of humor. He is constantly making jokes about everything, like a Weasley Twin, but also he’s a bookworm like Hermione. How exactly was he raised in Malfoy Manor?

2. Hold up, does chocolate now fix EVERYTHING in the Wizarding World?

As you know, because you passed Third Year Defense Against the Dark Arts, chocolate works wonders after you’ve been semi-attacked by a Dementor. In Cursed Child, Harry hands some chocolate over to Albus when he’s in the hospital wing for a broken arm, because that’s going to cure him…? Hey can we get some chocolate over here, too?

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3. Is Umbridge still rocking the pink?

In one of the most shocking surprises of the novel, Umbidge is still around and kicking and now the Headmistress of Hogwarts (read the novel. It makes sense). But, is she still wearing all pink? Is she still obsessed with cats? There are very few true character descriptions over the course of the novel, but every now and then we got a true costume description. There’s not one for Umbridge, leaving us to assume she’s still in all pink. Or has she deserted the pink for more of an ~all black~ look for Voldemort Day?

4. Speaking of Voldemort Day…

Oh god. No. Why was this even thrown out there into the world. Let’s not make this a thing. But also, how is the Great Hall decorated for this? Asking for a friend.

5. What KIND of bread does Scorpius dream about at night?

The first laugh-out-loud moment in the novel comes right after Scorpius tells Rose Granger-Weasley that she smells of bread. It is a great pick up line (WHAT, it’d work for me!!) but Rose is like “Ew, get away from me.” However, we need to know what KIND of bread Scorpius is smelling. French Bread? Sourdough? Asiago Cheese? This is important.

6. What are the Hufflepuffs doing? Are they still just keeping to themselves?

Once again, Hufflepuffs are neither seen, nonr heard, and that hearts my hurt. Hey Jo, didn’t you just say that we’re living in the new Age of Hufflepuff? Yet, they’re still stuck in the school basement.

7. WHO IS PROFESSOR CROAKER AND WHAT IS THIS TIME-TURNER LAW??

There’s a whole lot of time travel and Time-Turning going on in Cursed Child. Just accept it, even though this alone raises like a billion questions. Also forget what you think you know about time turners, because actually there’s a law in place that states that Time-Turners can only bring you back UP to five hours, and that’s thanks to a wizard named Professor Croaker.

Oh. Well this would have been nice to know during Prisoner of Azkaban, but okay. We’re going to need to know more about this Professor Croaker, and who he is, and can we actually get a spin-off, a la Fantastic Beasts, about him? Would read that, yes.

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8. Also since when do Time-Turners take you ~whenever~ ~wherever~ for only 5 minutes? That’s weird.

Like…what. Can you imagine Hermione being told that she can take double classes Third Year, but oh also she can only be there for five minutes at a time? She would literally explode into a ball of fire, like Fawkes.

9. Harry just strolls in and out of the Slytherin common room, and SINCE WHEN?

The Hogwarts House common areas are strictly off-limits for everyone BUT the Head of House. Hey, remember how Harry risked life and limb just to see Sirius’ face in the flames?

Well, I guess when you’re the Boy Who Lived, and you’ve got a boy yourself at Hogwarts, you can just get like ~special permission~ to go in and out of all the dorms like it’s nothing? How much pull does Harry have at Hogwarts? He (and Ron and Hermione) are always there.

10. Ummmm…has there always been a cemetery right next to Hogwarts?

Harry takes Albus to visit a cemetery next to Hogwarts. YOU’D THINK IN THE TRIO’S ADVENTURES HIDING AROUND THE CASTLE FOR SEVEN YEARS, THIS CEMETERY WOULD HAVE BEEN DISCUSSED. Unless it was built specifically for the Fallen Fifty…

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11. Who are the Fallen Fifty, can we have exact names?

Harry at one point talks about the Battle of Hogwarts, and Fred, and the “Fallen Fifty.” Obviously, this is in reference to those who died during the Battle, but who are they? Can we get a master list of them. J.K.?

12. Hold up, so like, Bellatrix gave birth, and then went to go fight The Battle of Hogwarts?

Delphi mentions that she was born just before the Battle of Hogwarts. Okay. Wait, what? Bellatrix was pregnant, that whole time? And then got up and was just like, “Well, time to go and fight for the Dark Lord.” Props to her for bouncing back from pregnancy right away.

13. Yes, that sounds badass…but no.

Actually, no, let’s not give Bellatrix that much credit.

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14. Now, doesn’t Mrs. Weasley yelling, “not my daughter, you bitch,” take on a different meaning?

Bellatrix had JUST GIVEN BIRTH. TO A DAUGHTER!

15. Wait. Where. Are. Mr. and Mrs. Weasley?

There is literally no mention of them made in the entire book.

16. Same with Neville. Discussed, never seen.

Herbology just be off the hook down in the greenhouse.

17. AND WAIT, TEDDY LUPIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don’t you dare tell me that he was not part of this mischief.

18. An entire new Harry Potter book, and not one single mention of Hogwarts, A History?

So, so disappointed in you, Hermione. That was her FAVORITE book to throw around like, “OMG, you dumb lugs Harry and Ron, what do you MEAN you’ve never read Hogwarts, a History?” There was a fleeting moment where it sure seemed like the boys would find it in the library. But they did not, and it’s kind of a bummer.

19. Is this really the end of Harry Potter?

Rowling has stated that she’s done. But is she really done? Like, really really? We’re 100% willing to wait, if she wants to dive back into the Wizarding World, one more time. Because, come on, you NEED more Albus and Scorpios in your life.

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