Tyler Vendetti
June 02, 2013 10:00 am

Dear Diary,

It’s been three days and they haven’t even acknowledged my existence. I sit here day in and day out, watching this family go about their business without even attempting to start a conversation. Not even a “hi.” Is that so much to ask? I mean, I was born in this house, you know? My siblings and I, all 53 of them, were raised in this living room. We watch television with the children every night and we participate in dinner conversations even though no one ever answers us. Sometimes, I even crawl into bed with the youngest child and snuggle with him at night because he’s afraid of the dark, you know, and I want to make him feel better.

I could never tell him that, though, or he’d have a heart attack. The child doesn’t really like me, I don’t think. In fact, nobody in this family likes me and let me tell you, they’re not afraid to show it. Sometimes, I’ll sit in the corner, just minding my own business, and one of them will start rambling on about how ugly “my kind” are and how flat objects work best for killing us and all that. It’s like, hey, buddy, I’m right here! I can hear you! Isn’t that just the rudest thing on the planet? It’s one thing to throw me out of the house or shove me into the toilet but it’s another to discuss how to effectively murder me when I’m sitting right there. Is that even legal?

I’ve dealt with people like this before. The family before me acted even worse. If I sat in one place for too long, they would stare at me with this half-amused, half-terrified expression, as if I had just morphed into a wizard in front of them and started talking. And not to mention, if I had the choice to turn into any creature, why on Earth would I choose something that everyone hates? I’d rather be a cat or Mickey Mouse or something. I may be ugly by human standards but I’m not stupid. Anyways, as I was saying, if I sat still, they would stare at me. If I moved, they would start screaming bloody murder like I was some serial killer running at them at full speed with a butcher’s knife. I could never win. I still can’t.

This whole thing is just a case of discrimination, if you ask me. My friend Bob hangs out on the same wall I do and no one ever gives him any trouble because he’s a fly. (I know what you’re thinking. A spider and a fly being friends? Aren’t spiders supposed to eat flies? Yeah, well, guess what, that’s another misconception that someone totally blew out of proportion. I’d never eat Bob. Flies are friends, not food, I say. What am I, some sort of savage?) And yet, no one ever criticizes him or threatens his life. In fact, there are songs out there about the guy. Everyone wants to be a “fly on the wall,” but “spider on the wall”? Forget about it. You might as well suggest not Instagramming every single one of your meals or some other ridiculous proposal.

Why are spiders picked on, huh? Why should we get treated any differently? Is it because we’re ugly? Is that it? Do we have too many legs? Too many eyes? Do we move too slowly? Well, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was born a monster but there are some things that we just can’t control in life. All I’ve ever wanted was to be loved by someone, to be appreciated, you know? Is that really too much to ask? Can anybody just-

Hold on. One of them saw me. The mother. The mother is looking…at me. Finally! Her eyes are getting big. She must have finally realized how long she’s been ignoring me. Oh, the poor thing, she’s shaking! She’s so guilty about ignoring me that her hands are actually shaking. Maybe I should go comfort her. I mean, it’s possible that she’s just overlooked me all these years. And all those things she said about spider-killing? I’m sure she doesn’t actually mean it. We’ll talk about it and she’ll admit to making the whole thing up to look tough in front of her sons. I’m going to go comfort her. If I can just get a little closer… hang on, what does she have in her hand? Oh my gosh…she’s bringing me a little platform to land on so we can talk face to face. It kind of looks like a plastic spatula or something.

Well, I should go. She’s getting awfully close with that platform. Let’s hope she doesn’t get too close, am I right?? Haha! But seriously.

‘Til next time!

– Spidey

Image via ShutterStock.com

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