Laura Kadner
September 07, 2013 11:00 am

There’s nothing quite like the desire for things one absolutely cannot have. Case in point: fictional foodstuffs. If there’s one thing I cannot abide, it’s seeing a delicious food item I have no chance of eating. At least not in its truest form. Just thinking of the delicious fictional foods of the Harry Potter world make me salivate: butterbeer, fizzing whizbees, and even Hagrid’s rock cakes. Sure I could go to Orlando to the Wonderful Wizarding World, but I don’t have time or money for that! And it’s really not the same.

Here are some other fictional foods that would make up a most flavorful and fanciful feast:

1) To drink, obviously, butterbeer.

According to J.K. Rowling’s butterbeer is “a little bit like less-sickly butterscotch.” Now while that may not be the most appetizing description, it’s also described in the book as arriving in “foaming tankards.” I like any beverage that’s foamy and comes in a giant cup, so this is right up my alley. And it gets house-elves drunk! And look how much fun Ron, Harry, and Hermione are having – I want to have that much butterbeer fun. I can dream…or make one of the many delicious imitations available online.

2) For appetizers, Cheesy Blasters from 30 Rock

“You take a hot dog, stuff it with some jack cheese, roll it in a pizza – you’ve got cheesy blasters!” If that doesn’t sound delicious to you, you’re a damn moron. Simple, elegant, straight-forward. And the Cheesy Blasters spokesman is a cat. Meat Cat. He has a flying skateboard. That is all.

NOTE: Do not google ‘meat cat’ while omitting the very important addition of  ‘cheesy blasters’ – the results ain’t pretty.

3) The main course? A combo – Roast Beast and/or Paunch Burger.

Roast beast is most likely a ham or turkey, but one should never pass up the chance to carve a roast beast. It’s just too cute a name. Not just any food could make the Grinch smile so joyously. Etiquette dictates that eating roast beast should only occur around the winter holidays. The rest of the year, a main course of Parks and Rec’s Paunch Burger is your best bet.

Not only does Paunch Burger get this fatty drooling, but they also have literal child-sized sodas.

Who wouldn’t want to drink a small-child sized amount of soda?

4) Second dinner? Krusty Burger.

I don’t know about you guys, but I always need a second dinner. And what better meal than one that can turn opaque walls transparent? And like butterbeer, The Simpson’s Krusty Burger can also be found in Orlando…complete with beverage options like Duff Beer, the Flaming Moe, and Buzz Cola. Again, I dream…

5) Dessert? Hunny.

If you watched Winnie-the-Pooh as a child and didn’t think Pooh’s hunny looked like the sweetest and most glorious nectar of the gods, then you were the dumbest kid on the block.

6) For after-dinner drinks, Willy Wonka’s Fizzy Lifting Drink.

You know, for flying and burping. Wonka is a genius. Just don’t steal from him.

7) For post-dinner cigar room gentlemen banter, Tomacco

Tomato and nicotine together? Why it’s a match made in heaven! It drives the farm animals crazy so maybe butterbeer up the elves and tomacco up the cows and let’s see what happens. Apparently this was created as a real food – yes, a man in Oregon grafted a tomato and tobacco plant and made fiction real. And the result? Just disgusting.

8) And after that feast we’d all need a nice breakfast the next morning to recover. The only choice: Skip’s Scramble.

 

If it’s good enough for Arrested Development it’s good enough for all of us.

And lickable wallpaper for decor.

Because everything should be edible – eatable – you can eat everything you see. So let us eat all the things!

Images via youthlitreviews.wordpress.com, eatmedaily.com, scientopia.org, mainstreethost.com, eater.com, simpsons.wikia.com, kidstvmovies.about.com, rottentomatoes.com, tumblr.com, arresteddevelopment.wikia.com, vortexstreet.com
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