Megan Phelps
July 13, 2014 2:52 pm

Just an announcement: I am now the unofficial spokesperson for the teenage girls of the world. Just kidding. I spent about a month polling millions, thousands, hundreds, more than 10 teenage girls. Which was necessary for statistical purposes despite the fact that I am one.

The result? A modern, easy-to-use, (moderately) accurate list of common things that annoy most teenage girls. (All this done for you, dear giggler.) Without further ado, I will now present this list (see end-note for terms of use):

1. Assume You Know Everything About Her

She is very complex. Not because “she’s a girl” but because she’s human. So, just because she’s opened up to you about certain things doesn’t mean you know everything. Respect the fact that she takes pride in keeping some things about herself secret.

2. Reorganize Her Stuff Without Asking

It’s her stuff, and you may be trying to help by organize her things, but it’s her stuff. She most likely has things just how she wants them. It might seem like “no big deal” to you, but to her, it’s more like an invasion.

3. Comment on Her Looks Excessively

It’s appreciated if you call her beautiful from time to time, but saying it too often will, consciously or subconsciously, make her feel like that’s the only thing you value about her. To the point where she will start to feel less than secure when she doesn’t think she’s looking her best around you.

4. Don’t Reply to Her Messages

It’s especially obnoxious when you don’t respond to messages after she knows you’ve seen them. (Facebook has a special knack for creating this type of drama. Thanks “seen” feature.)

5. Call Her Hormonal

Let’s face it, she’s a teenage girl. She’s hormonal. She knows that, you know that, everybody knows that. But the reality of the world is that everyone is hormonal. Babies are hormonal, adults are hormonal, and teens are hormonal. Every human (and, okay, animal) is hormonal. No need to restate the obvious.

6. Call Her a Term of Endearment

She’s no longer “sweetie,” “honey,” “sugar,” or any other pet name that somehow involves food. It’s either condescending or creepy. (Family exempted in most cases.)

7. Grow an Adolescent Mustache

I don’t have anything against men who have facial hair, and facial hair doesn’t annoy me at all. But when they just start to grow wispy, not-quite-peach-fuzz and not-quite-actual-hair on their chinny chin chins, bam. It’s annoying. I can’t put it any other way.

8. Wear Clashing Patterns

Unless they’re the right clashing patterns. Otherwise it’s just too much going on in one outfit.

9. Use the word “tween” in any context

C’mon, you guys. This isn’t even a real word.

End note: I’m not actually encouraging you to try these things. This wasn’t an actual “how-to.” It was more of a “how not to.” Or “what not to do.” Because the world hath known no wrath as great as that of a teenage girl. You don’t want to test this out.

Featured image courtesy of Nickelodeon

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