Technology ruins romance.
I often find myself crying over how I wish my life were like a movie. Until I had this reality check: no classic love story would be as romantic if set in 2013, because social media murders romance.
We live in an age where guys don’t call. And if they do, you wonder if there’s something wrong with them. There are no love letters. If you’re lucky you’ll get an emoji that you spend hours decoding, “Is he sending me a pig face because he’s being cute? Or does he think I’m fat?” You’re not fat. He’s just lazy.
So, here’s what happens when we take nine of the most classic love stories of all time and set them in modern day:
• Romeo and Juliet
If these lovers crossed stars in 2013, Romeo would’ve found Jules “too needy” for always texting him, “Wherefore art thou Romeo?” And Jules may have been a little creeped out that Romeo was the Mayor of outside her balcony window on Foursquare. And instead of them confessing their love for each other face-to-face, they would’ve just tweeted it.
• The Notebook
If this happened today, instead of RyRy writing Rachey all those letters that they cried about in the rain. He would’ve just poked her a bunch of times on Facebook.
Instead of Prince Charming searching high and low to find Cinderella, he would’ve just posted a Missed Connection on Craigslist. Cindy saw it. But she’s not responding. After the ball she went home and googled the Prince, only to discover he’s a womanizer with commitment issues and a shoe fetish.
• The Odyssey
I lost interest in this classic tale after I discovered even though it’s written by Homer, it has nothing to do with The Simpsons. According to Cliff Notes, this dude Odysseus spends 20 years on a journey fighting monsters and still finds his way back to his wife Penelope and their kids. All because of true love. Okay. If that happened today, it would be less of a love story, because Odysseus would totally be one of those obnoxious travelers who checks into EVERYWHERE on Facebook. And most of these check-ins would probably be with girls who have slutty looking profile pictures. And Penelope would be all, “who’s Athena?!” And Odysseus be all, “get off my sh*t!” And then Penelope would change her profile picture to one with sick skinny arm so Odysseus could be reminded of how much hotter she is than that Athena slut.
If set in modern day, Jack would not have drawn Rose naked like “one of his French girls.” Instead, he would’ve just snapped a “tasteful” nude of her on his iPhone. And then posted it on Instagram. But! He would’ve chosen a super romantic filter! Something like Hefe. Everyone looks good in Hefe.
• Antony and Cleopatra
Love at first sight. Forbidden love. It’s basically like Romeo and Juliet but in Egypt (Shakespeare got lazy). So, Tony kills himself after hearing fake news of Cleo’s death. And then she kills herself after she finds out he died for real. If this took place today that would’ve never have happened because of Twitter. Even if someone posted on Cleopatra’s wiki that she was dead. And #RIPCleopatra was trending on Twitter. That would last like a minute tops. Because the Internet makes faking your death like REALLY hard. And what’s so romantic about a live happy couple? Booooooring.
• Say Anything
Instead of John Cusack blasting Peter Gabriel outside that chick’s bedroom window, he would’ve just sent her a playlist on Spotify. But, she’d be reluctant to play it. She doesn’t want all of her Facebook friends to know that she is listening to Peter Gabriel…
Critics call Casablanca, “the most romantic movie, like ever.” And by critics I mean my Mom. If you haven’t seen it, it’s about two long lost lovers played by Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman who reconnect in Casablanca. Turns out Bogart who used to be a war hero, now owns a nightclub.
Yes. A nightclub.
Granted it takes place 1942 when clubs were classier, romantic even, with pianos and candlelight. If Casablanca took place today, I guarantee you Bogart’s club would be one of those douchey spots, with bottle service, sparklers, and apathetic cocktail “waitresses” who somehow figure out how mess up a vodka soda.
I hate clubs.
I’m pretty positive Ingrid Bergman would be over Bogart after his weekly “Thursdays at Casablanca” Facebook invites which she would reply “maybe” to with no intention of actually ever going.
• Breakfast at Tiffany’s
No one goes outside today unless they absolutely have to. Why venture out into the potentially cold outdoors when you can shop in the comfort of your own home?
If this story took place today, instead of Holly eating breakfast at Tiffany’s, she would’ve just stayed at home making a Tiffany themed Pinterest board and eating the croissant she just paid $20 for on Seamless because of the $15 delivery minimum.
Later, Holly would fill her day attempting to turn her cat, “the poor slob without a name” into the next YouTube sensation. And since Holly is always locked in her apartment either on Pinterest or Youtube, she would’ve never met her love interest and would inevitably die alone with her croissants and her cat. But don’t feel too bad for her. Since Holly’s a “socialite” she has a ton of followers on Instagram!
What other classic love stories would be less romantic in modern day?
Is romance dead? Are we so consumed with tweeting, poking and checking in that we can’t call or write love letters? Is it too much to interact in — dare I say it – in person. Or maybe this is just because I live in Los Angeles? Whatever it is, I’m going to try to disconnect more and hopefully find the Romeo to my Juliet, but without the whole joint suicide thing.