71 thoughts I had while watching last night's episode of "The Bachelorette"
1. Why am I shocked every single week that this show is two hours long?
2. Apparently we are still in Nemacolin, Pennsylvania, which officially means this is the most publicity Nemacolin, Pennsylvania has ever gotten.
3. First power moment of the night: The men so euphoric that Chad is gone that they are holding a funeral for him and spreading his protein powder like ashes.
4. Annnnnnd the Chad funeral is entirely premature as here he is whistling (terrifying) and knocking on the front door (equally terrifying).
5. He becomes mildly less terrifying when you think of him saying this on the last episode:
6. Jordan to Chad: “It was interesting getting to know you.”
7. Meanwhile Evan is still hassling Chad for the $20 he’s owed for the shirt Chad stretched out. Yeah.
8. Chad is really vacating the property now but DON’T WORRY GUYS WE CAN SEE HIM ON BACHELOR IN PARADISE.
9. Also, he took his evil villain status to the next level by posting this Instagram yesterday with Robby’s ex-girlfriend.
10. There is a literal party happening in the house now that Chad is gone and the men are chanting “slayer of the dragon” as they rally around Alex. It might be the best moment of his life.
11. Robby taking things a liiiiiiiitle far saying that Alex will be “America’s hero.”
12. As we enter the episode’s first pre rose ceremony, Chase has orchestrated a moment inside those plastic hamster balls(?) that were part of the football episode.
13. Meanwhile Robby’s Bump It infused hairstyle seems to forever be growing in height.
14. It actually evokes that Amy Schumer/ Tami Taylor sketch where the glass of wine just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
15. The men are pulling out the big guns at this cocktail party though. James F. wrote her a pretty strange poem, Alex is super over it and cutting in.
16. As one of the men named James said, “The gentlemen’s agreement has gone out the window.”
17. Huge props to Luke for being the first guy of the season to tell JoJo he’s falling for her.
18. Tension is growing though and my hero Wells hit the new vibes on the nose when he said, “there was a wonderful thing about Chad: He was a common enemy.”
19. By the way, Wells has a seriously precious Instagram account for his bloodhound Carl.
20. Real question: How does JoJo keep all these guys and their stories and their experiences straight? This is a lot of information! Does she have a Veep-style Gary bag man just off-screen?
21. This shot of Jordan and JoJo making out while the guys are on the other side of the wall is woah.
22. But even after that passionate moment her lipstick still looks flawless BTW.
23. A rose ceremony come-eth.
24. Honestly if it were me, I’d get rid of James Taylor and Daniel. Daniel was never a win and James Taylor’s eye (unfair I know) is giving me weird feelings.
27. Don’t love that Derek calls her “ma’am” but happy that he has a rose.
28. Okay Robby just called her “ma’am” too . . . guys, come on.
29. So the gents going home are Daniel and James F. — I really liked James F. Sniff. Even after that weird poem. Let’s say our goodbyes.
30. Daniel says he would have an easier time, “getting struck by lightning while shaving his face” than finding love with JoJo. It’s probably good he’s going home.
31. JoJo with that Uruguay product placement: “where the South America’s elite go to play.” We’re going to Uruguay though!
32. First one-on-one date for Jordan (which is kind of crazy because I feel like they’ve had seven) and the guys are haaaaating on him now.
33. The first step of their date seems to be some sort of boat trip and they’re kissing in the water while surrounded by seals, which honestly seems brave.
34. Meanwhile back at the ranch, Vinny is cutting the guys’ hair and he really hasn’t gotten enough air time. He’s sweet.
35. Also, happy to see how they are keeping their hair under control. I had started to wonder how they still looked so coiffed after a month.
36. Jordan is the second guy of the night who says he’s falling in love with her, but JoJo is firing back with some deets that she met an ex of Jordan’s who said he wasn’t the best.
37. His immediate reaction is to take this incredibly guilty looking sip of water.
38. Also, where and how did JoJo meet a girl who used to date Jordan? Like literally how was that possible? Haven’t they been sequestered in Pennsylvania and Uruguay?
39. I know JoJo is set at ease by Jordan’s response to all of this, but truly that one sip of water changed him completely in my eyes.
40. FYI they have not touched their food on this “dinner date.”
41. JoJo re: Jordan, “This could be the start of the most perfect love story.”
42. Televsion! Post JoJo’s on-camera Jordan date confessional she says: “I just feel so happy and I don’t think anything could take away this feeling.” Then the producer hands her a magazine with a tell-all from her ex Chad (a different Chad).
44. I feel terribly for JoJo but I also wonder how she can call her love with Ben “the truest form of love.” Considering there were dozens of other women there.
45. In a funny way, JoJo having a good cry in front of the guys feels super real and they’re really sweet.
46. Maybe they should end the season now and JoJo should just leave with a whole slew of new boyfriends.
47. Fast-forward to the next day and the only thing worth mentioning about the sand surfing date is Evan saying that he’s “staring down this sand hill” and he knows he’ll be “getting another bloody nose.”
48. Men on the season that JoJo hasn’t kissed yet: Wells, Evan, Vinny . . . anyone else?
49. It’s cocktail hour and jealousy is mounting with the guys. The guy feeling it the worst, and not-so-quietly seething is
John Krasinski Derek.
50. Well, she’s giving the rose to Derek as “reassurance” and the guys look like they want to murder him.
51. Alex put his feelings into words, “my mind has officially been blow…he’s an insecure little bitch.”
52. Alex is now calling the group date rose a “pity rose,” and he’s starting to sound more and more like Chad which I don’t love.
53. Maybe Alex just loves to fight?
54. Don’t know if JoJo should be petting a random Uruguayan stray dog but okay.
55. Robby and his Bump It are here for their one-on-one date.
56. I don’t think Grant has said a word this entire episode. Like, is he okay?
57. Meanwhile on the group date, Robby and JoJo are jumping off a cliff into the ocean below and all I can think of is the intern who had to find this perfect rock-free jumping spot.
58. Please note, their matching shoes.
59. PS, JoJo just jumped off a literal cliff into the ocean and her makeup is still perfect and I would like her product regimen, please.
60. Robby says he “knows he loves JoJo,” which is pretty hardcore considering this is the first time he’s ever really been alone with her.
61. Also I’m truly not sure how I feel about the lead-in to Robby saying I love you being a story about his best friend dying. That’s a tragic story, but the timing of sharing it feels manipulative.
62. Robby is also displaying a very weird love philosophy: “if it’s there on one side it’s there on the other.” Really?
63. Derek has decided Robby, Chase, Alex, and Jordan are ganging up on him but even I (the literal most sensitive person in the world) am finding that a little too sensitive.
64. Also he’s bringing this up right before the cocktail party. As Chase said, “bad timing, bro.”
65. Chris Harrison coming out of the shadows with news of no cocktail party. It’s rose ceremony time and three people are going home. The men are nervous.
66. My votes for those going home: Evan, James Taylor, and Grant.
67. Annnnnnd I’m two for three. Those going home: Grant, Evan, and sweet, sweet Vinny.
68. Let’s say our goodbyes.
Sweet, sweet Vinny:
69. Oh no Evan is crying!! “I’m just so disappointed in myself.” Wahhhhhh!
70. And now Vinny is crying too! “I’m hurt!” Wahhhhhhh.
71. Drying our eyes for now and looking forward to next week . . . when JoJo wears a gown and some for real drama goes down.