ABC
Elena Sheppard
May 31, 2016 10:41 am

The new season of The Bachelorette (JoJo’s glory) started last week. Last night was the second episode. Let us begin.

1. Wait, is this seriously another two-hour episode?

2. I will, without question, be fast forwarding through all superfluous “coming up” moments.

3. Something you can always count on The Bachelorette for is a reflective, soulful balcony shot. Tonight’s episode is no exception. 

4. Chad coming in hot as a grade-A prat by saying none of these guys know how to handle JoJo because they’ve never dated a beautiful woman before. Sigh. 

5. Brandon, the “hipster,” is officially a Dax Shepard doppelgänger.

This is Brandon: 

ABC

This is Dax Shepard: 

Getty Images/ Christopher Polk

6. Perhaps it’s a “me” thing, because I’m also having a hard time telling Robby and Chad apart (physically). 

This is Robby: 

ABC

This is Chad: 

ABC

7. The objectification of JoJo on this group date as a sexy firefighter handling a hose is slightly insane, but I guess that’s what we signed up for? 

8. Meanwhile back at the house, Chad is doing pulls ups from the building while hanging luggage from his weight-belt. 

9. It does seem like the guy who is an actual fireman should have a leg up on this firefighting group date, but if Bachelorette history proves anything it’s that the men often get bested at their own game. 

ABC

10. Meanwhile back at the house, James Taylor is leading the guys in a sing-a-long about JoJo and it’s tender and amazing. 

11. Chad sitting in the corner and glaring at them is mildly terrifying. 

12. Real talk: This episode is making me think a lot about Bachelorette feminism. Namely, is there any way to read burly men saving a damsel in distress from a burning tower as anything other than antiquated and traditionally gendered? 

ABC

13. The sick beauty of this show though is that it allows you to have that thought and quickly follow it with: “but I don’t care, I really want the fireman to save her.” 

14. Robby referring to JoJo as “the girl of his dreams” is a little much. As chilling as Chad is, he’s right to say that these men have only known JoJo for, like, two days. 

15. The one-on-one date goes to someone we’ve never head of before: Derek. 

Here’s Derek:

ABC

16. I blindly support Derek because I like his list of favorite moviesHook, Field of Dreams, Star Wars.

17. Meanwhile, back on the group date: Luke has a LOT of feeling and strikes me as a person who looks totally different in person than he does on camera. 

18. Wells got the group date rose which seems fair because 1. He almost died; 2. He is charming even when near passing out; 3. He has an endearing twinkle in his eye. 

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19. Side note, as learned during the commercial break, Ben is going to be on Celebrity Family Feud. 🙁 

20. Alright, one-on-one date time. I’m highly into the premise of this date being about making choices together. Seems logical! Realistic! Growth and compatibility oriented! 

21. Derek saying he has “a little crush on JoJo” is WAY more normal than these guys saying she’s the love of their lives.

22. I really support that JoJo has an endless supply of lap blankets to wear on her dates. 

ABC

23. Derek is also the third guy she’s kissed on tonight’s episode and I am here for it. 

24. Meanwhile back at the house, the guys are still practicing their straight-up adorable JoJo song. 

25. Back at the house, Chad is also sharing possibly the worst dating advice of all time: “I always warn girls, stay away from nice guys.” 

26. Also it makes sense that Daniel and Chad are bonding. Daniel is the Iago to Chad’s Jafar. 

Here are Daniel and Chad (wearing matching tank tops): 

ABC

Here are Iago and Jafar: 

Disney

27. Classic fountain kiss happening on the one-on-one, just heads up. 

28. That said, it vaguely looks like the meal on this one-on-one is happening in a parking lot. 

29. The thing I really like about this dinner date is that JoJo is in the power seat. She can ask all the questions people always want to ask on dates and it’s totally okay.

30. Time for the second group date and it’s like the ESPN building is the mothership calling these boys home. 

31. All the guys now fully hate Chad. Alex just referred to him as a “super douche” which seems accurate.

32. Their BachelorNation activity is the type of game that would likely send me home as a contestant. 

33. Though it’s hard not to love Saint Nick’s shower dance. 

34. Annnnnnnd Chad just called JoJo “naggy” in his faux proposal. This is the definition of negging. 

ABC

35. As charming as James Taylor is, him singing all the time would probably drive me crazy.

36. What is Chad’s game here? I can’t tell how he’s going to make her fall in love with him, but I also feel like he totally is. 

37. Chad also just fully stripped down the other guys by essentially calling them actors. 

38. Chad just completely and artfully manipulated this situation. “I’m the only one looking back who’s honest.” The thing is, he’s kind of right, and that’s what’s terrifying. 

ABC

39. Real talk: Is The Bachelorette feminist? It definitely underscores traditional gender roles, but if we’re talking about feminism as equality of the sexes, there is equality here.

40. Even though James is darling and was ranked #1 in today’s group date, I truly don’t think he has a shot. 

41. Chad does have a way of summing up everything really concisely. Case in point: “Alex is too short.” 

42. It’s also completely damning that they had Alex hop up onto that oversized chair. 

43. “I do think Chad is overcompensating for something.” JoJo is wise. 

44. It’s strange to watch Chad, to hate Chad, and still understand why JoJo is into him (based entirely on the version of himself he presents to her). 

45. Contender for quote of the night: “If Chad gets the rose tonight, I would rethink my whole life.” – James Taylor

46. Luckily James Taylor got the rose, and with that beautiful note that made her cry. 

47. Cocktail party time and I feel an inexplicable fondness for all the guys who opted for ties.

48. Chad is waiting for JoJo right outside of the limo — which is both brilliant and chilling. Just like a sociopath would know to do. 

49. The guy’s response to JoJo walking in with Chad is literally perfect: “what’s up with that dude?”

50. More Chad psycho-analysis, it’s also freaky that he latched onto the weakest link, aka Daniel, which allows him to be a weird bully. It’s like how Mean Girls friend groups form. 

51. Okay, 10 points to darling Chase who didn’t get a date with JoJo so made a snowy mini-date for her. 

ABC

52. Meanwhile, Chad is consuming full trays of sandwich meats. 

53. Contender for quote of the night: “Chad has consumed enough tonight to feed, like, a kindergarten classroom.” – Grant.

ABC

54. Chad describing talking to JoJo as “very satisfying” is disturbing.

55. I think she’s going to send home Bachelor Superfan James S. and that makes me sad, because it will be totally crushing to him. 

56. Chad is entering the Rose Ceremony while continuing to eat sliced meats. 

57. When all these guys get together it’s totally insane how similar they look. 

58. That said, it’s really hard not to smile about Alex getting the first rose. 

59. Though Chad swoops in with this soundbite: “She’s going to keep Alex around because she doesn’t want America to think that she hates short people.”‘

60. It seems like she actually really like Jordan.

61. And after the snowy date I think she really likes Chase too.

62. Ali’s hair really, very sincerely continues to rival JoJo’s in its perfection.

63. We are closing out tonight with Chad calling the other guys “a parade of losers.”

64. We’re also closing out with Chad saying, “At the end of the day, I’m gonna get the girl.” I guess we’ll see.

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