Love the holiday or hate the holiday, this year Valentine’s Day will bring us something that we’ve been talking about for what feels like YEARS: the release of 50 Shades of Grey. Currently, there are really only two types of people on this green Earth: those who are really excited for the movie’s release, and those who are dreading it.
50 Shades has caused a literal FURY of opinions and now that we’re in the home stretch pre-movie release, the hype is in overdrive. Will it live up to the book? Just how steamy will it be? Should it have gotten that R-rating, or an NC-17? These are all things to consider. And they’re just a few of the many many thoughts racing through my head as I sat through the brand new Valentine’s Day themed trailer:
A few further thoughts below:
1. Why is the beginning in black and white?
2. Oh. Grey. CLEVER, UNIVERSAL.
3. That closet, though.
4. Glad to know that Christian Grey is one of those people who has their closet meticulously organized.
5. I wish there was a juxtaposition shot of Anastasia‘s closet, just so we could see how opposite these two are! Because these crazy opposites have attracted!
6. Why would Christian run with his hood up? How does he see? Isn’t that 50 shades of no peripheral vision?
7. Can we not call this a “fairytale”? What would Cinderella say?
8. Motion for 50 Shades to not be called a fairytale.
9. Hey, remember when Jamie Dornan played Graham on Once Upon A Time? That was kinda like a fairytale.
10. I maybe cried a lot when he died on the show. Spoiler alert, OUAT.
11. It’s hard for me to look at him as Christian Grey and not be like, “You were Snow White’s Huntsman!!”
12. My mind only thinks in terms of what other characters actors have portrayed.
13. I still can’t stress enough how great Dakota Johnson was on Ben and Kate.
14. In all honestly one of the hardest things to believe about all of this is that Anastasia works at a hardware store. Nothing against hardware stores, but she really doesn’t seem like the kind of girl who loves Home Depot.
15, I’m gonna need a further explanation as to what it means to “not do” romance.
16. What search engine are we working with here?
17. Hold up, is that Mark Cuban from Shark Tank?? Bottom middle. It kinda looks like him. Internet, correct me if I’m wrong.
18. No one told me 50 Shades was going to have a Shark Tank tie in. NOW I’m intrigued.
19. Also props to Mr. Grey because he clearly has enough money to own the Internet, so he can control which dashingly attractive pictures pop up of him in a simple search.
20. Marcia Gay Harden. LOVE HER.
21. I just imagine some rich guy trying to take me up in his airplane and saying, “I’m going to do a barrel roll!” While I cry hysterically and get horribly motion sick.
22. If anyone wants to write that love story, let me know.
23. At least Anastasia is having fun.
24. That dress though. It twirls. I’m a sucker for any sort of dress with a big skirt that can twirl.
25. I count at least two planes and at least two cars. Why does one man need so many vehicles?
26. Everything appears to be shot in such dark and dreary tones. Like grey tones.
27. Except for Anastasia who is always wearing a color of some sort.
28. Opposites attract!
29. Its R-rating includes a warning regarding “some unusual behavior.” Define, “unusual behavior” MPAA.
30. The Last 5 Years opens on Valentine’s Day, too.
31. So does that Colin Firth movie where he’s a secret agent.
32. Future Valentine’s Day Date (hypothetical) please take me to see one of the latter options.
33. But don’t judge me when I download this Beyoncé song.
34. One last thing, I need to admit that often I type “gray” instead of “grey.” I WILL NEVER STOP.