Erin Mallory Long
October 18, 2013 10:00 am

I have a well-documented love of The Simpsons and also the holiday-themed episodes of The Simpsons specifically, so it’s no shock I also love the Halloween specials aka the Treehouse of Horror episodes. Among many other things, after watching those episodes for years I desperately want a Simpsonized scary name. Maybe something like Erin Scarily Long or Scarin’ Mallory Long or Screamy Witchery Ghost (because sometimes they don’t make sense).

The Simpsons is something that has existed for the entirety of my little brother’s life and the chunk of mine since I’ve been actively watching TV, so it’s pretty important to me. When I was growing up the Treehouse of Horror episodes always aired after Halloween – because of baseball – so it was always something to look forward to with a giant bag of Halloween candy. Since the first one aired in 1990, I’ve been hooked watching them do crazy things in these episodes that wouldn’t happen in normal episodes – aka “non-canon” events.

I really want to go to Marge’s Halloween party with the spaghetti and grapes and stuff and every Election Day, you better believe I spend about 80% of the time saying, “Don’t blame me, I voted for Kodos.”

Here are five ways The Simpsons Halloween episodes ruined my life:

1. Sometimes Think The Shinning When I Mean The Shining

Much like Joey Tribbiani, The Shining is one of my favorite books that stars Jack Nicholson. I’ve been watching The Shining forever and part of that is due to my love “The Shinning.” (I may have even seen The Shining before that Treehouse of Horror – since it came out in 1994.) But I always have to take an extra second to say “shine” instead of “shin.”

But I just watched the first Treehouse of Horror again and realized I don’t know ANYTHING about “The Raven” outside of The Simpsons. Frankly, I might not know anything about any Edgar Allen Poe outside of The Simpsons.

2. Nervous Around Giant Advertising Mascots

One of my most feared things is talking dolls (which makes the Stephen King-penned episode of The X-Files one of my biggest nightmares, to bring this full circle) so in Treehouse of Horror VI, I pretty much hate it when the advertising mascots come to life.

(Don’t even get me started on Treehouse of Horror III, just please make sure all terrifying Krusty dolls are set to “good.”)

Anyway, these mascots and supposedly inanimate objects start walking around and killing people and being all, animate, and I just can’t handle it.

In “Attack of the 50-Foot Eyesores” they just have to not look at the advertisements and they’ll go away (to quote Tracy Jordan, “Commentary!”), but they don’t go away fast enough for me and I always look at mascots in real life with nervousness.

Sidebar, when I went to Randy’s Donuts, I said, “wait, isn’t there a dude with the donut?”

I’m too used to Lard Lad.

3. But What If I Have a Twin In The Attic?!?

I’m going to make a bold statement here but: Treehouse of Horror VII is my favorite one. I actually don’t think that’s a bold statement at all, I think it’s just a solid episode but doesn’t it sound dangerous when someone says they’re going to make a bold statement? (Ugh but also the first one is amazing. SIGH)

I love Lisa making new life in her science fair project petri dish (“imitoot you exarctly” is one of my favorite jokes) and again, let me say again, “I voted for Kodos.”

But I really really love the first part of this episode when they find out Bart had an evil twin, Hugo, who Homer and Marge keep in the attic.

Obviously it turns out Bart was actually the evil twin and they should have been making HIM eat fish heads in the attic but ah well. Also, gotta admire Hugo for his pigeon-rat.

4. Terrified Of Traveling Back In Time

From Treehouse of Horror V, (oh goodness, all three of this one are amazing too – I’m a fraud!) we learn how to time travel, or, actually, how NOT to time travel.

Homer Simpson: Okay, don’t panic! Remember the advice Dad gave you on your wedding day.

Grandpa Simpson: [Flashback] If you ever travel back in time, don’t step on anything. Because even the slightest change can alter the future in ways you can’t imagine.

And I honestly don’t know where I first learned about the Don’t-Alter-Anything-In-the-Past-Because-It-Will-Change-Everything-In-the-Future thing, but I’d like to think I learned it from this episode. And now I’m convinced that I’ll accidentally travel back in time, step on a bug, and TV won’t exist. And that would be a nightmare.

5. Pretty Concerned About Having Someone Else’s head Attached to My Body

For whatever reason, there’s an ongoing theme of someone’s head needing to be attached to another person’s body in the world of Treehouse of Horror.

In Treehouse of Horror II, Mr. Burns’ head gets stitched onto Homer’s body after attempting to steal Homer’s brain for a robot he was building. Obviously the robot was dumb like Homer so they put the brain back but then the robot crushes Mr. Burns and the only way to save him is by SEWING HIS HEAD ONTO HOMER.

Naturally.

I didn’t go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College but this still seems pretty far-fetched for the real world. But obviously I’m a dum-dum and think about this all the time. WHAT IF IT’S THE ONLY WAY TO SAVE ME?!?!

And then they did it again in the most recent Treehouse of Horror! (XXIV!) Bart loses his head and gets attached to Lisa’s body and then they’re in an accident and Bart is attached to Selma and Lisa is attached to Krusty! So nuts!

And I leave you with one of the best lines: “He was a zombie?”

(Main image via with Simpsonized me added, The Shinning via, The Raven via, Tell-Tale Heart via, Lard Lad via, Hugo screengrabbed by me, time travel via, Mr.Burns/Homer via)

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