Erin Mallory Long
November 01, 2013 6:00 pm

It’s Halloween time! And since there’s apparently an argument between celebrating Halloween last weekend and this weekend I figured I could still talk about Scream this week.

Scream came out when I was 11 so I didn’t see it in the theaters. (Though I think I saw Scream 2 in the theaters through the ‘ol Buy a Ticket to a PG Movie Trick and I definitely saw Scream 3 in the theaters when I was 15 so who knows.) But somehow by the time 8th grade rolled around we were all pretty invested in Scream. At a party in 8th grade I watched a friend of mine act out the entire Drew Barrymore opening scene, and a couple years ago I bought a sweater that I call my Drew Barrymore sweater because of that scene.

I don’t really seek out horror movies in normal life but I will watch Scream forever and ever. The whole franchise, even. (I live for that Carrie Fisher cameo in Scream 3. Ditto Joshua Jackson in Scream 2.) My girl Courteney Cox is amazing as Gale Weathers, I was all about Neve Campbell in the late 90’s (who wasn’t?) and Kevin Williamson was a god-like character in my world ever since Dawson’s Creek.

So here are five ways Scream ruined my life:

1. Convinced I Could Survive a Serial Killer With Horror Movie Knowledge 

As a self-referential horror movie, it’s important to know the “rules” of horror movies to survive within the confines of Scream. The killers even plan and get away with the murders because they watched a bunch of movies. So basically I assumed if you watched a bunch of horror movies you’d be able to survive a serial killer.

Of course, then I became obsessed with Law & Order: SVU and realized you can’t do anything to stop serial killers and everything is pointless but whatever.

2. Made Me Even More Terrified of People On the Other End of the Phone

I was always pretty excited to run home and check the answering machine after we were out. And I sometimes even liked answering the phone – expect for my parents’ insistence I say the correct, “this is she” much to my embarrassment as a 12-year-old. But sometimes answering the phone was terrifying. Basically any time I was home alone I was afraid to answer the phone. And Scream did nothing except make this much, much worse.

WHAT IF SOMEONE STARTS CALLING ME AND ASKS ME HORROR MOVIE TRIVIA? I’D DIE INSTANTLY!!!

(Also, when I talk to my cat named Ace I sometimes say, “Acey, baby” in the way Casey’s mom says, “Casey, baby” when she can hear her dying on the other end of the phone. My home is really fun!)

3. Beginning of the Henry Winkler “Comeback”

As a child of Nick at Nite, I was deeply familiar with Henry Winkler. And long before he showed up on Arrested Development he was in Scream as the principal.

Seriously, growing up in the 90’s was so confusing because I would watch so many old shows on Nick at Nite and then they’d also produce new movies or reunion shows at the same time! Like, I always thought The Monkees was a current show which is really confusing coupled with watching The Brady Bunch Movie and seeing Davy Jones because I was like, duh that’s exciting! (See also, The Addams Family and The Brady Bunch and Mary and Rhoda reunion movies.)

So seeing Henry Winkler pop up in Scream seemed so normal to me. Obviously I realized he was much older than on Happy Days but it still was just like, “cool, The Fonz” rather than an “OMG The Fonz is still getting acting work!” kind of thing.

4. Love Rose McGowan’s Tatum Lines

One thing you should know about me is I love the movie Jawbreaker. But I have a confusing relationship with it because me friends dubbed me the “Fern” when we watched this movie.

But that didn’t effect my love for Rose McGowan. I love her so much in Scream. I love her clothes, I love that her name is Tatum, I love that David Arquette plays her older brother, everything.

But most of all I love her lines. Tatum hits that sassy best friend sweet spot that we all strive for. (Just me? Cool.) Some of my favorites:

“’I’ll send you a copy.’ Bam, b*tch went down. ‘I’ll send you a copy.’ Bam. Sid. Super b*tch.”

“Stupidity leak!”

(said only while hitting someone in the forehead with a lollipop which we definitely did to each other in middle school)

“What am I? The beer wench?”

(another thing we used to say to each other while, obviously, not referring to beer)

“Oh, you wanna play psycho killer?”

5. Totally Extra Terrified of Garages 

Speaking of Tatum and playing “psycho killer,” her death is, arguably, the most traumatizing one of the movie. Firstly, she’s wearing an amazing psychedelic skirt that I coveted, secondly it’s after being sassy to the killer who she assumes she knows, thirdly, why didn’t she put both arms through the doggie door?? She did such a good job throwing beer bottles at him and stuff and then really misses out on the escape opportunity. Major bummer.

I mean, look, I already find garages pretty terrifying. But this just takes the cake. When I would have to go and put the garbage out as one of my chores, I HATED spending time in the garage. It didn’t help that I grew up in a house where there was a terrifying loft space inside the garage so I always assumed a murderer was living up there.

Also, saying the word garage so much makes me think of Moe teasing Homer for being fancy for using the term “garage” when obviously you should use the more normal “carhole.”

(Main image with me added, all others screengrabbed by me or my own)

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