Erin Mallory Long
June 20, 2014 2:17 pm

Oh boy. *cracks knuckles* It’s time for Never Been Kissed. One interesting thing about the time period in which I grew up is I feel like I’m experiencing ALL the different kinds of media. Like, I had cassingles, I had VHS tapes, I had records, then DVDs and CDs and now Blu-rays and MP3s and digital downloads. (Though I suppose the real boss people would have also had 8-tracks and laserdiscs but I at least KNEW what they were, you know? Anyway…)

There are a couple movies I’ve only owned on VHS and then Blu-ray: Titanic, Independence Day and Never Been Kissed. Let me tell you, I ALWAYS check the $5 Blu-ray section at Target to see what they have. This was my most recent purchase and before that it was Romeo + Juliet so you better believe that’s gonna be my next post.

Fun fact: obviously we know Jessica Alba is in this movie but did you remember Octavia Spencer and John C. Reilly and JAMES FRANCO are in it too? James Franco was a SURPRISE for me on this most recent viewing.

Here are five ways Never Been Kissed ruined my life:

1. My Heart Swells When I Hear “Don’t Worry Baby”

Oh, brother. I’m getting all sweaty just thinking about this. (TMI?)

Look, I get that the relationship in this movie is a little questionable because Michael Vartan thinks Drew Barrymore is in high school – but she’s NOT in high school so really, it’s fine. He never kisses her or makes advances at her or anything outward. He just DEFINITELY flirts with her and I’m DEFINITELY into it.

Ugh, I mean, ugh. Once she’s standing on the mound and the time runs out and you’re like, “WHERE ARE YOU MICHAEL VARTAN?!?” and then people start cheering and he is RUNNING towards her. I’m dead. I can’t handle it and I’m every single person on tumblr reacting to everything. My face is a series of gifable expressions and I can’t control my emotions. Sorry.

2. This Quote About Kissing

“That thing, that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around you becomes hazy. And the only thing in focus is you and this person and you realize that that person is the only person that you’re supposed to kiss for the rest of your life. And for one moment you get this amazing gift and you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that that it will go away all at the same time.”

This movie came out my freshman year of high school and this quote was all I wanted to have happen. Ever. That feeling. And it’s stuck with me for a really long time.

3. “I’m Not Josie Grossie Anymore!” Still Seems Like The Best Pep Talk

I think we all need this pep talk sometimes. We all had awkward periods. A lot of times surrounding whenever you had braces – that was certainly an awkward one for me. My worst period was the end of 5th grade (after getting braces on) until like mid-8th grade. Starting in the middle of 8th grade I got my IDGAF attitude back and didn’t worry about people AS MUCH. But as someone who used to get teased a lot in middle school I LOVE proclaiming, “I’m not Josie Grossie anymore!”

It’s really partly not being an awkward phase of life and MOSTLY self-acceptance and self-understanding. And that’s a lesson we all could use.

4. Always Think of Josie When Someone Says They’re ‘Nauseous’

Okay, that person is me. I’m the person who always complains about nausea. And every time I say I’m nauseous I think, “You KNOW it’s nauseated. Say nauseated.” But by then I’m usually just eating saltines to cure it and have forgotten all I learned from Josie.

One of my favorite things in this movie is how Josie, the brilliant copy editor, is constantly correcting everyone’s grammar. And Leelee Sobieski’s character even knows she’s changed when Josie says “I must have forgot” instead of “I must have forgotten.” So great.

You’re nauseated. I’m nauseated. I’ll try to hold up your grammar lessons, Josie.

5. Was Terrified I’d Have to Put a Condom on a Banana

You know how in movies and TV shows and books kids will have to take care of an egg or a bag of flour as if it was a kid? I was terrified of doing that. I’d rather care for an actual baby than have to take care of a bag of flour. I think my problem was mainly that since it was a school assignment (in my head) I knew I’d take it seriously and also knew my classmates might not.

Anyway, in Never Been Kissed they have to put condoms on bananas in health class and I was MORTIFIED. Mortified and also convinced this is what I’d have to do in health class one day. Luckily, this never happened but watching this scene again brought back all those same anxieties.

And in case we ever forgot, these girls have perfect selfie techniques.

Don’t worry baby…

(Main image via, stills from the movie screengrabbed by me)

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