Jen Juneau
April 19, 2016 8:35 am
Disney

As amazing as the reviews and box-office numbers are for the new live-action version of The Jungle Book, we still cherish the animated version of the movie (which will turn 50 next year). Its characters, songs, and message of “We all need to move on sometime,” has us crying every time we watch it — and nothing, even the live-action version, can take its place in our hearts.

Of course, we still have a few questions about The Jungle Book that need to be answered. Like…

What made Bagheera think a mother wolf, with five new babies, should take on one more in the form of a human child?

The first thing Bagheera does when he finds infant Mowgli in the jungle is say, “Oh dang, you know who is in a great position to take care of this human kid? That wolf lady who just had five babies at once! She probably doesn’t have enough on her plate, right? Totally fine.”

Oh, really? Look at this wolf woman’s face. Look at it, Bagheera.

Disney

As someone whose friend just had twins, I say, BRO, WHAT!? I know my friend is not the first person I’d think of to dump extra children on. In fact, she’d probably murder me in cold blood if I tried.

Of course, animated wolf mom is sweet about it and she takes Mowgli in because it’s a movie, but wow, you put her in a really crappy position, man. It’s not like she can be like, “Eh IDK, I’m not really a maternal creature here.” So of course she has to be nice. But you know who would’ve made more sense, Bagheera? The bachelor panther. Just FYI. I know you’re super busy prowling around the jungle and being condescending to everyone, but think about it.

Where has Shere Khan been this whole time?

So the head wolf tells the pack that Shere Khan is “back” in their part of the jungle after at least 10 years elsewhere, so the first thing they need to do is not build extra shelter or brush up on their fighting skills, but get Mowgli out of there because Shere Khan hates all humans.

But where was Shere Khan all this time? Was he just in a different part of the jungle with his secret family? Was he with Merlin in Bermuda? Why did the other animals suddenly think they were safe and assume that, like Voldemort, his return would be loud and obnoxious?

How does Mowgli have no cuts, sunburns, scars, etc. ANYWHERE?

Mowgli has been in the jungle his entire life, from basically birth. But his skin is somehow flawless — and it’s not like he stays inside the wolf den all day, either. This kid climbs trees, runs around, falls down, scratches his back on trees growing God knows what on their trunks, etc.

In fact, he doesn’t even have a shirt, which like…if they found shorts for him somehow, couldn’t they have fashioned some kind of shirt at one point over the last 10 years? Sunburn, bug bites, etc. and real struggles for humans — especially in the jungle. I’m assuming. I’d never spend more than a traditional tour’s length of time in the jungle, so I can’t really say.

Why did they need to keep fire away from King Louie?

I have watched the main King Louie scene over and over again, and I still can’t find where this orangutan is doing anything wrong. The only thing I see is a cool guy who likes to sing (the best song in the movie IMO, sorry “The Bare Necessities”), dance, and give children free bananas.

So when Baloo and Bagheera show up and hear that he wants to learn how to make fire from Mowgli, they majorly overreact. Sure, Louie is a little bit overzealous and might be a swindler, but last time I checked, y’all have bigger fish to fry with a murderous tiger who just returned from Bermuda. Maybe King Louie just wants to make bananas foster. Calm down.

Why don’t all the animals just kill Shere Khan?

Every single animal in the jungle, aside from MAYBE Kaa, hates Shere Khan. Which makes me wonder why don’t they just band together and take him out instead of being like, “OMG get that innocent man cub outta here!” Seems like a cowardly way around the problem to me.

Fire ends up scaring him away on total happenstance because of a lightning incident, but OH WAIT, you know who wanted fire to be a thing this whole time? King Louie. You know, the guy who’s apparently so terrible just because his minions did a little kidnapping. MAYBE he wanted to use fire to scare Shere Khan away, which would’ve saved everyone the trouble of having to literally wait for lightning to strike. I think we can agree King Louie is the real hero of this movie. No wonder they got Christopher Walken to voice him in the live-action version.

Advertisement