Gina Vaynshteyn
January 18, 2014 7:00 am

Ever since I flipped open my first glossy issue of Seventeen Magazine, I’ve had the unspoken rules of love rammed into that part of my brain that wants to find the cutest guy in the room to make-out with. According to the experts, one does not simply walk up to a guy and show interest. You need to trick him into giving you his number, wait three days and then pretend you’re not actually interested. Even before all that, you need to make sure that this guy has his eyes on you. And how does one do that, exactly? Let’s start with:

1. Make sure you wear a white tee every time it rains.

Girls, there is nothing a man loves more than a clingy, wet white top. Even if it’s not raining, make do by spilling some coffee on your shirt; be sure to douse it with a bucket or two of water in the bathroom.

2. If you can’t find a way into his heart, find a way into his stomach!

A man can’t say no to a well-prepared steak. If you don’t know how to grill a steak, take a few classes or YouTube directions. If you are hopeless in the kitchen, then don’t even bother.

3. Pretend everything he says is hilarious.

Even if he’s inappropriately joking about starving children in Africa, laugh as though you’re on a date with Tina Fey. There’s nothing a man loves more than believing he’s truly funny. Practicing laughing at home so you don’t sound too fake—he’ll know if you’re trying too hard.

4. If you’re drinking together, pretend you’re super wasted.

This way, you can say anything you want! This is your one chance to flirt unabashedly and be honest about your feelings for him. Even if he doesn’t reciprocate, you can blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol (Jamie Foxx, anyone?).

5. Stalk on him online and “run into him.”

Use his obsession with checking in everywhere to your advantage! I mean, he’s not just tagging himself at Rubio’s for no reason, right? He wants you to find him, corner him, and coerce him into lunch. Just don’t admit you were on his Facebook minutes before. Lie and exclaim what a small world it is.

6. Re-tweet and favorite all of his jokes and pictures online and on Instagram.

Lavish his posts with love and affection, especially if he’s sharing personal photos of him and his family or dog. Like, how cute is that? It’s almost like he’s ready for you to become a huge part of his life already. Limit yourself to five likes, comments, and re-tweets a day, though. You don’t want to look too desperate.

7. If he likes sports, wear his favorite team’s jersey.

Men love it when women pretend to be really into sports. It shows how willing they are to compromise their identity and hobbies. If you absolutely hate sports, then you clearly are not meant for a serious relationship. Suck it up and get your football/baseball/basketball pride on.

8. Don’t let on that you’re educated.

Men hate feeling stupid, so even if you have your Ph.D., don’t make yourself sound super smart. Even if you’re dying to talk about Chimamanda Ngozi Adichi’s newest novel, stick to the basics, like weather. Or your favorite color combos.

9. Banish any and all conflicting philosophies.

If you’re a Democrat and he’s a Republican, just keep quite about your beliefs, because if you’re too opinionated, you’ll scare him off! We’re all entitled to our own beliefs, but if you really want him to like you, just pretend you don’t have any for a while.

10.  Be yourself.

Forget rules 1 through 9 – they’re stupid. Wear what you want to wear. If you want to make him dinner on your first date, do it! But don’t feel obligated. Talk about your favorite books, because if he doesn’t like you for your brain, he’s not worth it. Don’t abandon yourself for a guy. If you he’s  cute, go and talk to him. You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone. You don’t have to follow any rules, and pretend to be someone you’re not. Remember, you are amazing just as you are, and if he doesn’t see that, then he’s clearly not worth your time.

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