Sean Morrow
September 02, 2013 1:00 pm

If you’ve been pay attention to any media these past few weeks – which you must, because we’re humans and we need to be connected or whatever – you heard about Miley CyrusVMA twerking problems. She was criticized for being overly sexual, racist and precocious, trying-to-hard-to-be-Britney and worst of all, a bad twerker. It’s all very silly for a number of reasons: for one, aiming the criticism at Miley. It’s not like she just went rogue and developed an intricate dance number to offend you. Tons of MTV executives and producers saw many, many rehearsals of this routine. Miley has nothing to do with it; like most modern pop stars, she’s just a pawn in a greater game.

Now that the twerkpocalyptic crisis that was the media response to Miley Cyrus’ VMA performance is coming to an end, what will we as a nation care about? What should we have been caring about all along? Whether you’re fresh off the ‘caring about Miley’ boat and looking for a new thing to care about or you’ve been not caring about it all along, here’s some other stuff to care about:

Real News Stories

There is a good chance the United States will “intervene” in Syria, which could lead to full-on war. That’s a big freaking deal. Why isn’t that what everyone’s talking about (it’s because the Cyrus story is more profitable, and those profits can then be used to subsidize covering stories about Syria…).

Other Cultural Appropriation 

One of the many ways that Miley’s number was accused of racism was it’s being cultural appropriation, but honestly can you hold ‘twerking’ that dear? What about the appropriation of Yoga? What was once, and still is to many, a very important spiritual experience is now just used for getting a better butt. What size Lululemons do you think the Buddha wears? I’m sure lots of the people who wrote thinkpieces about Miley’s twerking do Yoga themselves.

Anyone else twerking

If you’re offended by white people twerking, never, ever, use Vine… Vine content is like 90% white people twerking and 10% cup song parodies.

Miranda Cosgrove

Come on, iCarly was always better than Hannah Montana, right?

The possibility that Miley Cyrus is living a double life

What if somewhere out there is a girl living a simple life, hiding a big secret: that she is the world-famous Miley Cyrus? That would be pretty meta.

Breaking Bad

At the same time as everyone was getting all riled up about Miley, others were watching a different channel and getting all riled up about how the writers of Breaking Bad are just way too good and they have to stop because it’s ridiculous. I often find myself cheering for the evil actions of Heisenberg, but not actually cheering for Heisenberg, cheering for the writers for coming up with those genius evil actions.

My troubles with IKEA

I bought a bed last week that was missing an important piece. IKEA is giving me a really hard time getting that piece, and they’ll only let me return the bed if they come and pick it up at my house, but I’d have to miss work to let them in… I went to IKEA twice to pick up the missing piece, but they didn’t have it either time even though they promised they would. Why isn’t this extreme struggle getting national news attention? Come on Obama, do something!

This awesome Japanese velociraptor prank

We should all forget about the whole VMAs thing and just watch this incredible prank over and over again.

The absurdity of the VMAs in general

You know for the money spent on the VMAs you could feed like, entire countries, right?

The beauty of everyday existence 

Come on, guys, it’s pretty dope that we get to be. Let’s focus on the for awhile.

I’m going to go care about those things now. Happy Labor Day?

Advertisement